cincinnati-reds-failEvery sports publication in the world puts out season previews. Some are interesting, some aren’t. For the most part, folks just don’t have the time necessary to do the kind of in-depth preview that is going to be of any use to a reader that actually follows the team being previewed (the team previews going on at Sharapova’s Thigh are the exception that I’ve seen).

So most previews end up being pretty surface level, and boring. Well, we’re not going to do that here at Bleacher Nation. It’s much more interesting (read: easy) to simply examine why the team currently sucks and is going to suck in 2009.

So enjoy – we’ll be previewing the suckiness (suckeyness?) of the other teams in the National League Central over the next five weeks.

First up after the jump is a team that holds a special place in all Cubs fans’ hearts because of the lovable scamp at the helm – the Cincinnati Reds.

Baseline for Suckitude

Last year, the Reds went 74-88, finishing 23.5 games out of first. That’s pretty sucky. And away from the cozy confines of Great American Ballpark, the Reds were 31-50. That’s really sucky.

The baseline for suckitude is quite low for the Reds, so it’s going to take an impressively sucky performance in 2009 to outdo 2008. Fortunately (for us), they’re pretty sucky.

Sucky Offseason Moves

Sad Arrivals: C Ramon Hernandez (trade with Orioles), LHP Arthur Rhodes (free agent), CF Willy Taveras (free agent), OF Jonny Gomes (minor league free agent), Jacque Jones (minor league free agent), Daryle Ward (minor league free agent).

Departures: INF/OF Ryan Freel (traded to Orioles), LHP Jeremy Affeldt (free agent, signed with Giants), CF Corey Patterson (free agent, signed minor league deal with Nationals), INF Andy Phillips (free agent, signed minor league deal with Pirates), RHP Gary Majewski (non-tendered, signed minor league deal with Phillies), RHP Matt Belisle (non-tendered, signed minor league deal with Rockies), C Paul Bako (free agent, signed with Cubs), RHP Josh Fogg (free agent, signed minor league deal with Rockies), LHP Kent Mercker (expected to retire), C Javier Valentin (free agent, not expected back).

Even though he isn’t technically a departure because he was traded in August, you could fairly add Adam Dunn to the list. And that sucks.

Perhaps the only thing that doesn't suck about the 2009 Reds: Bronson Arroyo's flowing locks

Willy Taveras is the big addition for the Reds. Um. Woo. Dusty Baker is going to have a field day with that speed, dudes. Speed never slumps. It’s hard to criticize much else that the Reds have done because they didn’t add anyone worth mentioning, and didn’t lose anyone who didn’t madly suck anyway. Well, except for Corey Patterson and Paul Bako. They’re going to miss those guys hard.

Shout outs to more Cubs castaways: Jacque Jones and Daryle Ward. There must be a sign in Cincy that says, “Not quite good enough for the Cubs anymore? Come to Cincinnati!”

Their Own Blogoverse Thinks They Suck

The Red Reporter takes shots at a couple signings, near and dear to we Cubs fans:

The Reds have just signed Jacque Jones and Daryle Ward to minor league deals.  Ward is listed as a first baseman, which is news to me.  I guess we needed depth at first base since Valentin is gone.  It bears mentioning that both of them are 33, both are crappy, and both are left-handed.  I’m really not sure what to make of these deals.  They’ll be used as bench filler, but I have no idea how they make us better as a team.

Even more directly addressing the suck, Redlegs Rundown offers some poignant quotes:

Finally I got the Reds to look forward to, except I can’t put my finger on what exactly it is I actually “look forward to” about the Reds, I guess I just love watching them no matter how bad they are. So anyway, here we are after the long offseason, where our biggest name signed was Willy Taveras. Ugh.

Damn. Sometimes I forget how good I have it, getting to blog about the Cubs and all.

The Suckiest Part of Their Suck

Just take a look out in left field. The Reds face a roaring battle between Jerry Hairston, Jr. and Johnny Gomes (and maybe Jacque Jones). Hairston was admittedly solid last year, but the career .700 OPS doesn’t scream corner outfield spot. It screams middle infielder. Backup middle infielder. And Gomes, so hot early in his career, has fallen off the map. However it ends up, left field is going to suck hard for the Reds in the post-Adam Dunn era.

Ironically, if they could just get pitcher Micah Owings out there, they’d have a solid-hitting left fielder.

A close second for the suckiest part of their suck? Perhaps the suckiest manager in all of baseball, especially for a young, low-salaried team. Dude.

And in the End

They suck.

The Reds rotation has a chance to not be horrible. Johnny Cueto and Edinson Volquez make up one of the hottest young pairs in baseball (that sounds hot). Of course, the last time Dusty Baker managed one of the hottest young pairs in baseball – sigh, Kerry Wood and Mark Prior – he broke them both. Aaron Harang is no longer the great and under appreciated pitcher he once was, and Bronson Arroyo is incredibly hit or miss. His hair is beautiful, though.

And then there’s the long-heralded, but can’t-quite-make-it-work-on-the-big-league-level Homer Bailey. If he could finally put it together, and the rest of the crew didn’t, you know, die, the Reds could have a rotation that easily matches the Cubs. But it would take the confluence of a whole lot of good luck.

So that’s where the 2009 Reds are. Shaky bullpen, young and overworked rotation (well, they will be overworked), and a lineup that is decidedly worse than it has been for the last couple of years. That’s a recipe for suck. And the 2009 Reds will.

  • John

    Would it change your opinion of Bronson Arroyo if you knew that he recorded a crappy cover album called “Covering the Bases”? What if this album included a cover version of the Verve Pipe’s “The Freshmen”? Because he totally did, and it totally did.

    • Ace

      I now want to marry Bronson Arroyo.

  • CJ

    This article could not be any more flawed, especially if homer bailey keeps posting the numbers and pitches like he is right now during spring training, but obviously that is still a question mark. Jay Bruce and Joey Votto have looked pretty sharp so far during spring training. Johnny Gomes and Dickerson have also been turning some heads. Not even a Reds fan, but I think that the Reds will be a pain in the cubs arse the entire year.

    • Ace

      I gotta agree – in case it wasn’t clear in the article, there’s a little bit of satire in the “they suck” thing. The Reds could be a thorn, for sure. That rotation, as I said, could end up being every bit as good as the Cubs.

  • Ryan

    When was the last time the cubs won a championship??? o yea… that long.
    To me this article does not tell me why the reds will “suck” instead it tells me that the little cubie nation is a bit nervous!! Dont worry even if you make it to the playoffs, you will just CHOKE again. It’s all Bartmans fault! Ha, when and doubt blame somebody that had no difference in the outcome of the playoffs (typical cubs fans)… whinners! Have fun waiting another 100 years!

    • Ace

      Well, how long? Oh. That was rhetorical. I get it now. The Cubs haven’t won a WS in 100 years, therefore it is impossible for the Reds to suck. Makes sense to me.

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  • lg

    why the 2009 cubs will suck:


    • Ace

      That is true.

      • Zeph

        Poorly written article, why waste the time? It’s clear you don’t know the first thing about the game of baseball because Micah Owings is a sleeper and going to the Reds 5th starter. That rotation can be very intimidating if it all comes together. If you did you’re research you would also know Harang really buckled down in the offseason, got into a workout regime, and won’t even come close to the horrible performance he had last year. Please do your research man and sound like you know what you are talking about before you write such drivel.

        An article about the 2009 Reds without one mention of the young studs we have in Bruce & Votto just proves your ignorance.

        • Ace

          Poorly written comment[;] why waste the time? It’s clear you don’t know the first thing about why this series was written. If you did “you’re” research[,] you would also know I really buckled down in the offseason, got into a writing regime about why teams *suck,* and won’t even come close to the horrible performance you had in your comment. Please do your research[,] man[,] and sound like you know what you are talking about before you write such drivel.

          The article is about why the 2009 Reds will SUCK, not the things about them that are actually good. Your expectation that an article about that things WRONG with the Reds would include mention of the young studs [you] have in Bruce & Votto just proves your ignorance.

          Thanks for reading.

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  • hyperform


  • Joe

    Yeah, the Reds do suck. But now that its April 29th and the Reds have left Wrigley winning 2 out of 3 against the Cubs just a week or so ago…what does that say about your beloved hometown losers? Even in their eternal suckiness, they still managed to smoke the Cubbies. Sorry Chi-town.

    • Ace

      Technically nothing in this column says the Cubs don’t suck…

  • redsin09

    At least when the reds make it into the playoffs THEY WIN A GAME OR TWO unlike the sorry CUBS!!

  • Hannum

    I do believe the Cubs are the Team in NL Central that suck this year.

  • Chris

    Looks like there doing pretty well to me….Enough said

    • Ace

      You’re right. But there’s still time to suck.

  • Jake

    The reds r only two and a half games back from the cards for first place in the central thats not suckish to me

    • Ace

      gd point lol xcept dis was ritten like mnths ago lol

  • Ricky

    so how are those cubbies doin this year…. apparently having the best rotation in the nl and most talent on offense isnt good enough oh and good work signing milton bradley hes been a real winner everywhere good job givin him all that money….

    • Ace

      Another winning effort. Wipe your chin. There’s paste.

  • Ace is a Douche

    Dude. Just stop talking. Your only embarrassing yourself, just like the Cubbies.

    • Ace

      Don’t worry – “your” not embarrassing yourself.

  • Westy

    Hey guess what? The Reds aren’t doing to bad this year. Oh and why are you writing about the numero uno pitching rotation in the National League. You say they suck eh? Too bad you guys aren’t in first either hahahahah.

    • Ace

      Great point. You know, 5 months after the article was written. Well done.

  • al

    the whole division has been mediocre at best…watch how fast the division winner fades in the playoffs………YES THE CARDINALS>>>>and before any of you cards fans spout off about this ….remember it doesnt mean shit unless you win it all…


    Look at how shitty the Cubs are. They haven’t won a World Series in 100 years!!!!!!! Their players suck penises and their owners don’t even want them. The only good thing about the Cubs is their manager. And who won him a ring? THE REDS!!!!!!!!

    And all your fans are drunken ass holes!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Ace

      At least you posted this on the right year.

    • jstraw

      Seriously? A hundred years? Damn, now I feel bad.

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  • quer

    Arthur Rhodes (all star)
    and Johnny Gomes (solid left fielder)
    were terrible pickups??

  • N/A

    This is all opinionated. My opinion: this website sucks.

    • Ace

      My opinion: opinions from three seasons ago are all awesome.