edmonds-grabThis is the fifth and final installment in Bleacher Nation’s 2009 preview of the National League Central – specifically, how every team not named the Cubs is going to suck. Previously: Cincinnati Reds, Milwaukee Brewers, Pittsburgh Pirates, Houston Astros.

Welcome back to Bleacher Nation’s foray into the other teams of the National League Central, and their prospects for 2009 success. But, as it’s boring to just preview a team and predict their finish (boring/too hard), we do things a little differently here. It’s much more interesting (easy) to simply examine why they currently suck and are going to suck in 2009. So I guess the prospects we explore are the prospects for failure.

Up this week is the St. Louis Cardinals. Mmmm. Let me say at the outset that it has truly been a pleasure writing this particular article. The Cardinals evoke for any rational Cubs fan a completely irrational response. We hate them. We just do.

And thank God they’re going to suck this year.

Baseline for Suckitude

The Cardinals were 86-76 last year, but a healthy 11.5 games out of first in the NL Central – all the way down in fourth. That includes a completely meaningless 6-game winning streak to end the year, too. Still, the suck bar is set kind of high. Expect it to get worse this year, Cardinal fans.

Sucky Offseason Moves

Sad Arrivals: LHP Charlie Manning (waiver claim from Nationals), SS Khalil Greene (trade with Padres), LHP Trever Miller (free agent), LHP Royce Ring (free agent), LHP Dennys Reyes (free agent).

Happy Departures: RHP Matt Clement (free agent, signed with Blue Jays), INF Felipe Lopez (free agent, signed with Diamondbacks), SS Cesar Izturis (free agent, signed with Orioles), INF Aaron Miles (non-tendered, signed with Cubs), OF Juan Encarnacion (free agent, if he plays again, it probably won’t be for the Cardinals and/or won’t be well), RHP Jason Isringhausen (free agent, signed with Rays, not expected good), RHP Braden Looper (free agent, signed with Brewers), LHP Ron Villone (free agent, not expected back), LHP Mark Mulder (free agent, not expected back), RHP Russ Springer (free agent, signed with A’s), LHP Randy Flores (non-tendered), LHP Tyler Johnson (non-tendered), RHP Mark Worrell (traded to Padres), OF Josh Phelps (free agent, signed with Giants), Felipe Lopez (free agent, signed with Diamondbacks), Adam Kennedy (dumped, signed with Rays).

Yo. That’s a lot of people stoked to be getting out of St. Louis. Most of them sucked anyway, so it’s not a huge loss to the Cardinals. The ones likely to hurt the most are Russ Springer (been quietly dominant for years) and Braden Looper (recipient of Dave Duncan starting pitcher voodoo magic). Fortunately the Cardinals replaced all of those losses with, um, Khalil Greene.

Their Very Own Blogoverse Thinks They Suck

Before brilliantly noting that the Cardinals 2009 rotation is a major concern, Viva el Birdos delightfully describes the problem:

Pineiro was caught smack-dab in the middle of the vortex of suck last year. We got a better performance from the fact that he ate up so many innings as opposed to giving them to Mitch Boggs (last year!). The point is that the Cards’ rotation had depth, but not strength and, for us to really be a strong team, it’s going to have to have some strength.

Cardinals Diaspora doesn’t even need to say it in a post. They’ve got tags that include: “09 is Gonna Suck,” and “The Cards are Gonna Suck.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

The Suckiest Part of Their Suck

I know what you’re thinking – it’s got to be on the pitching side. After all, the bullpen looks like crap after the departures of Springer and the formerly-effective Jason Isringhausen, and the rotation is held together with the thin hope that Chris Carpenter can somehow come back – again – and perform as a solid 2 or 3. How could I not select something within the portion of the team that throws stuff?

But nope. It’s the lineup.

Take a look at what’s going on outside of Albert Pujols. Yes, Pujols is the best hitter in baseball, and is the equivalent of three solid hitters. But the other 7 regulars are also the equivalent of three hitters. And those three kind of suck.  With Troy Glaus out for an indeterminant period of time, the rest of the lineup sports Rick Ankiel’s un-juiced arms and goatee, Skip Schumaker, the guy who played way the hell over his head last year but you’ve still never heard of him (his name is Ryan Ludwick, by the way), and then crap.

It’s going to take uberprospect Colby Rasmus breaking through and several more career-like seasons from the middle of the order for this lineup to be above average in the NL Central, let alone the NL.

And in the End

They suck.

God it feels good to say it. The St. Louis Cardinals suck.

There is little reason to believe Chris Carpenter will make it through most of the season both productive and healthy. That means that on as many as four out of five days, the Cardinals will be trotting out a mediocre, at best, starting pitcher who will be hoping to last seven or eight innings so as to protect the equally mediocre bullpen.

Pujols will get his. And some douche you’ve never heard of will blow up and have an All-Star season because, well, it’s the Cardinals. Outside of that, I don’t see where the runs will come from.

If this team were wearing anything other than Cardinal red, I have a hard time believing anyone would expect this team to break the .500 mark. I just don’t see it on paper. Much like every other team in the Central, the Cardinals are probably worse than they were last year.


Given the team’s unsuccessful overtures this offseason toward Brian Fuentes and toward acquiring Matt Holiday, it is likely the Cardinals will have extra money in the coiffers to make an addition. One move will not, of course, take them from suck to not suck, but it might be just enough when combined with the Cardinals’ uncanny superability to play over their heads to be a thorn in the Cubs’ side.

As things stand, they look primed for a third place battle with the Astros and Reds. Here’s hoping they fall off sooner rather than later, diminishing the likelihood of a major acquisition, and shutting the trap of smug Cardinal fans.

Oh. And did I mention they suck?

*I can’t believe I made it through this entire preview without so much as a scandalous insult hurled at Tony LaRussa. Well. You know what they say about pictures.

  • MC

    Wow! You’re jealous of the Redbirds. When does “Why the 2009 Chicago Wee Bears Will Suck” come out? Oh, that’s right. No need to – that story has been written 101 times already. OH!

    • Ace

      This article was clearly written because I am jealous of the Cardinals.

      And the Astros, the Pirates, the Brewers, and the Reds.

    • alison

      The bottom line is the Cardinals suck!!!!

  • Cardfan

    The Cardinals will likely suck this year. Weak management that hasn’t addressed the need for pitching. The only bright spot is that they will suck less than the Cubbies and much less than the Brewers. The Redbirds haven’t strung consecutive losing seasons together in 50 years. They will be back. As for your boys, look for the ’09 Cubs to look like the ’08 Tigers. Oh the inhumanity of it all……..

    • Ace

      Yikes. Definitely hope you’re wrong about that one.

    • The Real Cardfan

      Cardfan….leave the Nation, you are not worthy.

      This team will not only contend but will push the $150 M Cubs payroll for the division title. If we spent that kind of money, the rest of the division might as well fold as they would never win. Needless to say, when any Cub fan has sniffed a World Series title in their lifetime, then they can talk trash. Keep spending that money on those “loveable losers”. One day you will figure out that this is a team game not an All-Star game every night. I do believe Zambrano is due for Tommy John surgery really soon. Oh yeah, and Milton Bradley is the Terrell Owens of baseball.

      • Ace

        Another fan somehow claiming that the fact that the Cubs haven’t been to the World Series in a long time is evidence that the Cardinals will not suck in 2009. Brilliant.

  • Cardfan

    PS. Props for the LaRussa pics – classic. Hated the bastard until last year. I will give him the benefit of the doubt after churning a winning record out of that sad bunch in ’08

  • Kmac

    Yea, The Cards Do Suck.
    I Dont Care What Facts You Have To Give Me.

    I Know They Are Not National.
    But The Yankees, Are Just Plain, God.
    So What They Have The Highest Payroll.
    Its Because Everyone Likes Them.

    • Ace

      Is that a poem?

  • Emily

    I guess since you are not employed you have nothing better to do with your time than to sit around and to analyze why a team so much more talented than yours will not do well this season – how many years in a row have you done this anyway? I understand why there is so much pent up frustration – you are a Cub fan – and most likely a Bears fan too. How can you deal with it? I love your link on Chicago Cubs humor – the only humor about the Cubs is that they still let you play in the Major leagues – it is a shame that can’t send entire teams down to the minors because the Cubs would have been the first to go years ago. I think that it is cute that you have found a hobby, but when you start piecing together entire sentences, please do respond. Thanks so much for your incredible insight,

    P.S – I would tell you to write back when the Cubs win a World Series but I am afraid I might never hear from you again and we would not want that now would we.

    • Ace

      me. can’t spond w/ n-tire sendences yet. thx 4 reeding;

  • heimtime3

    Guess first place means you suck right? Win a playoff game then you donkeys can talk about the red birds. But this site is funny, I mean whats funnier than the worst team in sports history talking shit about somebody. 101 years since you guys won and you havent won a pennant since the Truman era yet you try to say teams suck. And you wonder why St. Louis has 8 more titles than you. Karma kills morons but after 03,07,08 you probably already knew. that hahahahahahaha

  • adam

    Hmmmm. Looks like the cubbies got off to a good start. NOT. They look horrible to start the year and as always the redbirds have strung together a bunch of victories and lead the nl central. Oh and that starting rotation you were hating on has the BEST era in the NL. I hope that makes you eat your words. Ps. DAVE DUNCAN is god!

    • biggz

      You do realize this blog post is only semi-serious, right?

      BTW, it doesn’t matter how you start out the year…it’s how you finish. See Mets, New York.

  • Butcher

    Who the hell still says, “NOT?!”

    • biggz

      This suit is black not.

  • boba schrute

    I was so glad to come across this post today. HOW FUNNY!!! As we speak, the NLC’s version of the Yankee payroll is in 4th place after getting slapped around at home by the first place Cardinals. I guess spending $150 million can’t overcome a 101 year losing tradition. Write back in another century if the Cubs have a World Series ring. If not go back to pumping gas and blaming a kid and a cat for all your troubles.

    • Ace

      The 2009 Cubs have been nothing short of an embarrassment. That is a fact.

      You are kind of a douche. That is also a fact.

  • Ben

    Of all the things I’ve laughed at, this got me the best. You, a classic ignorant cubs fan, continue to try to take down the cardinals and every other team in the division. As a true Cardinal fan, I do not believe i can bee happier to say that at the all-star break we are in first place, and we just beat you because that “douche” ludwick just hit two homeruns against your cubbies for the second time this season. I recommend next time you make predictions you stick to the facts. The Cubs suck. They are a mediocre, over-paid team, with the most pathetic excuse for fans the world has ever seen. Do not speak until you have seen a world series trophy in your beloved Wrigley Field. One last thing. Continue to trash talk the Cardinals’ staff, after they acquire Roy Halladay.

    • Ace

      Another fine – and clearly intelligent – representative of Cardinal nation. I feel so put in my place.

  • HTC

    Maybe the Cardinals will start growing mullets to go with their moustaches so they can look like all their fans.

    • Ben

      Maybe you can strap on a pair of nads and put your name instead of initials. You wouldn’t say that out loud, only on your blogs.

      Best fans in baseball. Always have been, always will be.

      • Ace

        Yes, name instead of initials. You’re such a coward, HTC. Not like “Ben.” “Ben” put his name out there. His REAL name. Now we all know he’s “Ben.” The “Ben.”

        • HTC

          One of my best friends is named Ben and he’s a diehard Cardinals fan. Is that you, Ben?

          • Ben

            Yeah. How’d you know?

  • Ben

    HTC, who do you root for? Can’t be the Cubs, because all of their fans are too busy bitching about that ball Moises Alou might have caught to notice the mustaches on the pitching staff of the team with the lowest ERA in baseball.

    • Ace

      I noticed.

  • HTC

    Are the Giants growing moustaches?

  • deeznuts

    wrigley sucks. zambrano sucks. lou pinella sucks. wrigleyville sucks. chicago sucks. (its called the windy city because it BLOWS HARD). annnnnd…oh yea, the CUBS SUCK

    • Butcher


  • HTC

    You know who else sucks?

    Wait for it.


    • Butcher


  • JoseQuendo

    Hey Genius,

    SCOREBOARD. Nice foresight Peter Gammons.


    • Ace

      Another brilliant offering. Do you guys just touch water and sprout off each other like gremlins?

      • Wace Of Space

        Save it for the Sci-Fi channel Peter Jackson. Sweet gravatar. I’m surprised you get such a good internet connection in the suburbs.

        They might not have your payroll, but the Cardinals do not “suck” (unlike your stadium, it’s fans, your front office, and your sister). This season they have proved to have management who support the club, players who give a shit, and fans who watch the game (and dont just show up to drink old style and hit on fat girls).

        • Ace

          Your name is so appropriate – both in content and spelling – that I just can’t get over it. Preach on, brother.

          • w-ACE of space

            I had to break it down so you can see it is a “play on words”. Look that up, I sure they have a library in Schaumberg.

            • Cardfan

              This is getting frickin’ embarrassing. If the Busch-drinking, mullet-wearing contigency must demonstrate their stupidity, I move that a mandatory disclaimer be attached to any post.

              ***Disclaimer: Please understand that I am an idiot and do not represent the heart of Cardinal Nation. I am prone to responses without considering context or understandable bias. In all likelihood, I am typing after throwing back a couple cold ones and sitting in my underwear in front of my Mom’s computer while she works two jobs to pay for my Skoal habit. I am a fringe fan of the Cardinals, however, given birth in another local, I would just as easily have been a fringe fan of the Cubs or the Brewers. Please do not respond to my actions.

              • Butcher

                I think Cardfan might be OK in my book…

            • Ace

              Wow. You don’t even get it when I get it, and am making fun of you.

              Additionally – Cardfan is actually quite awesome.

  • Stoney

    Wow good job predicting the cards to suck this year. Who in there right mind would?I’ll tell you who a cubs fan thats who. Because in that cubs fan crazy little head he thought this year would be differnt. He actually thought that this year he was going to win it all with those pathetic bats of Lee and soriano? Come on Soriano was good like 8 years ago when he wore a yankees uni but since then nothing and Lee might as well not even play whats the point when you play in the same league as the greatest player to dawn a uni (EL HOMBRE). Then there is Zombrano and Lilly ohhhhhhhh im scared there is a one two puch that couldnt puch its way through a wet paper bag. Just get used to it the cubs is a losing franchise much like the lions or golden state. Chicago should just level that pathetic dump that they call a ballpark and put a memorial up for the shelling that STL has put on them. you want to win a WS as a life time cards fan (or as i would say a born winner) BUILD A REAL STADIUM, BUY SOME REAL BATS, GET MORE THEN ONE PITCHER (MAYBE ONE THATS NOT AS ROUND AS HE IS TALL), and maybe move to the nl west cause as long as the cards are in the picture you dont have a chance.

  • TheBigSpanker

    Stoney –

    I’m going to need you to take a breath, buy a couple of vowels, work on your grammar, do a little anger management, try living in the world, enjoy a little friendly competition without lame attempts at being mean, find love and/or religion, stop the nonsense, and smell your own roses.

    Or…you can always crawl back under your rock, and seek out new methods of self-flagellation.

    Nice talkin’ with you.

    Ted Nelson

  • Stoney


    Didnt know this was a grammer test just thought it was a blog. God damn you anal retentive basterd. Here we are talking about baseball and leave it to a cub fan to start talking about grammer? maybe you should think a little more about why your team hasnt won a ws since before man flew and a little less on spelling and grammer.

    And… i dont need to crawl under a rock im not a cubs fan my team wins……GO CARDS

    • Man in the Mirror

      At the very least, spell “grammar” correctly, for f*ck’s sake.

      Cubs fans have no control over whether their favorite team has won the World Series in 100+ years, by the way. What we (and you) do have control over is whether or not we seek higher education…

  • Stoney

    But you do have control for what team you support. Who would support a team that hasnt won in a hundred years? And then you have the balls to make a web page talking about how the second most winning team in baseballs history sucks? F#ck grammEr get some common sense. Would you go see a doctor that hasent cured a patient in over 100 years? Come on. Its so sad your in a divisonal race and your worried about my spelling

    • Man in the Mirror

      1. If the only reason to support a team is their trophy collection, everyone in the country should be a Yankees fan — including you, Stoney. There’s more to it than that — and I’m guessing you know that (unless you’re even more myopic than I thought).

      2. I didn’t make this web page.

      3. Your spelling (or lack thereof) isn’t really keeping me up at night.

      4. You’re still spelling “grammar” incorrectly.

  • Stoney

    Guess u didnt catch my sarcasim with the capital E in grammEr, and if you dont like your team to win why do u follow them? Well at this point id belive that cubs fans like to see there team lose. And as far as the Yankees comment I Love the Cardinals A. cause im from the lou B. because they win with quality baseball not just buying the players. Players take pay cuts to play in what the sports world likes to call BASEBALL HEAVEN. All i see in that dump they call a field is a bunch of washed up or over payed players. Get a clue you michael jackson wanna be

  • Man in the Mirror

    Yeah. I got the “sarcasim.”

    I don’t know why I let myself get sucked into these discussions, but here goes.

    I grew up on the North Side of Chicago and I love baseball. I went to Wrigley with my family growing up. There are other reasons, but those are two of the primary reasons I love the Cubs. Are you suggesting I switch my allegiance to the Cardinals because I haven’t seen the Cubs win the World Series? That’s similar to me suggesting to you that you switch your allegiance to the Cubs because the Cards have finished a combined 18.5 games behind the Cubs the last two seasons. Doesn’t make sense, right?

    Feel free to continue rooting for the Cardinals. I get it — you have my blessing.

  • Stoney

    your parents must not have loved you or thought you were a born loser to bring you to a cubs game when you were little. Im not tellin you at all to become a cards fan. Im just saying who roots for people who dont do there job for a 100 years? especialy when you have a team that wins a few miles away. Why even admit your a cubs fan? and about that 18.5 games in the last two years. How did they don in the palyoffs those years? Cause i have no record of them wining a playoff game….EVER.

    And i know im blessed… IM A CARDINALS FAN

    • Man in the Mirror

      I tried being nice, but now I’m done with that.

      You’re a f*cking moron. The St. Louis public school system should be shut down for churning out a mouth-breathing mongoloid like yourself. I honestly hope you dropped out of school in the third grade, because you can hardly string together a coherent sentence.

  • Man in the Mirror

    And here…let me craft your next response to save you the time.

    the cubs suck. its bein 100 years sense they won ANYTHING. your stupid for liking them and the CARDINALS will always rule the cubs.

    100 years. goats. bartman.

    *fart* *drool*

  • Stoney

    I went to pirvate school and im doin it now to piss you off. Its fun to me your a## is so tight you probably squeak when you walk. U need to losin up a bit. get a girl or go crank one out or something. With a piss poor attitude like that your never gonna win at anything. Im glad there are losers like you and the cubs in this world. you guys make me feel soooooo much better and thanks for the grammEr lesson. There really is nothing you can say to me. I am educated, I make great money, and my team is FULL of winners. I see why your in such a bad mood you dont really have a lot going for ya but dont you think that your bad attitude it only going to make it worse?

    • Colneck

      You went to pIRvate school? I wouldn’t admit that. WTF does losin up mean? You should not be allowed near a keyboard.

    • Man in the Mirror

      A “pirvate” school? So your parents paid to make you this stupid?

  • Stoney

    P.S. dont blame curses or goats. excuses are for the weak!!!

    • Colneck

      If you had a clue you’d realize the only people that talk about any curse is Joe Buck, Tim McCarver and the rest of media. You can damn sure bet that Cubs fans think the curse talk is a crock of shit. Much like you.

      • Stoney

        What the hell is a colneck isnt that some kind of disease your ass gets? go home little boy no one cares what ass disease thinks

  • Colneck

    Cubs fans are morans. I have the photo to prove it.

  • BT

    Holy monkeys. Stoney, do yourself a favor and quit while you are WAAAAY behind.

    “There really is nothing you can say to me. I am educated, I make great money, and my team is FULL of winners.”

    You forgot to mention that you can make it with awesome bitches, whenever you want! And your Camero is totally shiny!

    Nice Stuart Smalley moment there.

    One last thing. You do realize your AWESOME winner-full kick ass Cards are TIED with the Cubs right now, don’t you?

    Oh, and you are a dipshit. Didn’t want to forget to add that.

    • The_MICK


      Don’t discourage him to much I find his banter to be very amusing.

    • Stoney

      I dont own a camero but if i did it would be so shinney and cardinal red or as i like to call it champion red. and its pretty sad that the only thing you have to brag about with your pathetic team is that they are tied with mine, and this is after we led for how long??? better go back to making grammer jokes about me cause you got nothing on the Cardinals.

      As far as the MICk is concerned its a damn shame you have to be amused by a dipshit like me instead of watching a quality baseball team. Hey here is a idea tell your cubbies to spend another 150 mill to copy the yankees and choke on some more dick in the playoffs ( those red hott arizona dimondbacks please)

  • Ace

    I want to wrap this thread up in a package and save it for a day when I need cheering up. It’s like chocolate unicorn sex…. in print!

  • Cardfan