edmonds-grabThis is the fifth and final installment in Bleacher Nation’s 2009 preview of the National League Central – specifically, how every team not named the Cubs is going to suck. Previously: Cincinnati Reds, Milwaukee Brewers, Pittsburgh Pirates, Houston Astros.

Welcome back to Bleacher Nation’s foray into the other teams of the National League Central, and their prospects for 2009 success. But, as it’s boring to just preview a team and predict their finish (boring/too hard), we do things a little differently here. It’s much more interesting (easy) to simply examine why they currently suck and are going to suck in 2009. So I guess the prospects we explore are the prospects for failure.

Up this week is the St. Louis Cardinals. Mmmm. Let me say at the outset that it has truly been a pleasure writing this particular article. The Cardinals evoke for any rational Cubs fan a completely irrational response. We hate them. We just do.

And thank God they’re going to suck this year.

Baseline for Suckitude

The Cardinals were 86-76 last year, but a healthy 11.5 games out of first in the NL Central – all the way down in fourth. That includes a completely meaningless 6-game winning streak to end the year, too. Still, the suck bar is set kind of high. Expect it to get worse this year, Cardinal fans.

Sucky Offseason Moves

Sad Arrivals: LHP Charlie Manning (waiver claim from Nationals), SS Khalil Greene (trade with Padres), LHP Trever Miller (free agent), LHP Royce Ring (free agent), LHP Dennys Reyes (free agent).

Happy Departures: RHP Matt Clement (free agent, signed with Blue Jays), INF Felipe Lopez (free agent, signed with Diamondbacks), SS Cesar Izturis (free agent, signed with Orioles), INF Aaron Miles (non-tendered, signed with Cubs), OF Juan Encarnacion (free agent, if he plays again, it probably won’t be for the Cardinals and/or won’t be well), RHP Jason Isringhausen (free agent, signed with Rays, not expected good), RHP Braden Looper (free agent, signed with Brewers), LHP Ron Villone (free agent, not expected back), LHP Mark Mulder (free agent, not expected back), RHP Russ Springer (free agent, signed with A’s), LHP Randy Flores (non-tendered), LHP Tyler Johnson (non-tendered), RHP Mark Worrell (traded to Padres), OF Josh Phelps (free agent, signed with Giants), Felipe Lopez (free agent, signed with Diamondbacks), Adam Kennedy (dumped, signed with Rays).

Yo. That’s a lot of people stoked to be getting out of St. Louis. Most of them sucked anyway, so it’s not a huge loss to the Cardinals. The ones likely to hurt the most are Russ Springer (been quietly dominant for years) and Braden Looper (recipient of Dave Duncan starting pitcher voodoo magic). Fortunately the Cardinals replaced all of those losses with, um, Khalil Greene.

Their Very Own Blogoverse Thinks They Suck

Before brilliantly noting that the Cardinals 2009 rotation is a major concern, Viva el Birdos delightfully describes the problem:

Pineiro was caught smack-dab in the middle of the vortex of suck last year. We got a better performance from the fact that he ate up so many innings as opposed to giving them to Mitch Boggs (last year!). The point is that the Cards’ rotation had depth, but not strength and, for us to really be a strong team, it’s going to have to have some strength.

Cardinals Diaspora doesn’t even need to say it in a post. They’ve got tags that include: “09 is Gonna Suck,” and “The Cards are Gonna Suck.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

The Suckiest Part of Their Suck

I know what you’re thinking – it’s got to be on the pitching side. After all, the bullpen looks like crap after the departures of Springer and the formerly-effective Jason Isringhausen, and the rotation is held together with the thin hope that Chris Carpenter can somehow come back – again – and perform as a solid 2 or 3. How could I not select something within the portion of the team that throws stuff?

But nope. It’s the lineup.

Take a look at what’s going on outside of Albert Pujols. Yes, Pujols is the best hitter in baseball, and is the equivalent of three solid hitters. But the other 7 regulars are also the equivalent of three hitters. And those three kind of suck.  With Troy Glaus out for an indeterminant period of time, the rest of the lineup sports Rick Ankiel’s un-juiced arms and goatee, Skip Schumaker, the guy who played way the hell over his head last year but you’ve still never heard of him (his name is Ryan Ludwick, by the way), and then crap.

It’s going to take uberprospect Colby Rasmus breaking through and several more career-like seasons from the middle of the order for this lineup to be above average in the NL Central, let alone the NL.

And in the End

They suck.

God it feels good to say it. The St. Louis Cardinals suck.

There is little reason to believe Chris Carpenter will make it through most of the season both productive and healthy. That means that on as many as four out of five days, the Cardinals will be trotting out a mediocre, at best, starting pitcher who will be hoping to last seven or eight innings so as to protect the equally mediocre bullpen.

Pujols will get his. And some douche you’ve never heard of will blow up and have an All-Star season because, well, it’s the Cardinals. Outside of that, I don’t see where the runs will come from.

If this team were wearing anything other than Cardinal red, I have a hard time believing anyone would expect this team to break the .500 mark. I just don’t see it on paper. Much like every other team in the Central, the Cardinals are probably worse than they were last year.


Given the team’s unsuccessful overtures this offseason toward Brian Fuentes and toward acquiring Matt Holiday, it is likely the Cardinals will have extra money in the coiffers to make an addition. One move will not, of course, take them from suck to not suck, but it might be just enough when combined with the Cardinals’ uncanny superability to play over their heads to be a thorn in the Cubs’ side.

As things stand, they look primed for a third place battle with the Astros and Reds. Here’s hoping they fall off sooner rather than later, diminishing the likelihood of a major acquisition, and shutting the trap of smug Cardinal fans.

Oh. And did I mention they suck?

*I can’t believe I made it through this entire preview without so much as a scandalous insult hurled at Tony LaRussa. Well. You know what they say about pictures.

  • TheBigSpanker

    Dear Stoney,

    I would like to spoon with you, and stroke your hair.

    I would like to take all your hurt, bind it up into a big ball, and toss it to the river.

    I would like to know your inner-being, and see what makes you tick.

    I would like to meet the English teacher at your “private school”, and smack him/her in the puss.

    I would like to make you know that we love you, and that you’ll always be our sister…no matter the issue.

    I would like to buy you a great big ice cream cone…in your choice of flavors.

    But…most of all, I’d like to spoon with you, and stroke your hair.

    Your Everloving,

    Ted Nelson

  • Stoney

    Dont have hair im bald but besides that it all sounds good. As for what makes me tick 6 years in the army has given me a little edge. There isnt ny hurt in me to ball up and throw in the river. The ONLY thing that makes me a little angry would be a stupid cubs fan having the balls to create a web page that slams the best team in national league history and, seeing how the cubs havent won anything in the modern era I think they should blow up that dump they call a field and move the team to idaho or somewhere out of sight and mind. The gall that someone would have to have to say the cardinals suck just makes me worry that there are some really really really retarded people out there. I guess im bieng a little mean its not your fault that half of chicago is reterded I just think that all you tards should wear a bright colored shrit so i can see you fucks and know where you are at all times ( i dont want one of you gay cubs fans comin up behind me cause since you guys are always gettin fucked i know your lookin to fuck someone yourself).

    P.S. Just what the world needs Ted another Gay fireman……DONT ASK DONT TELL TED!!!!!

    • Cardfan

      Stoney, you may want to take Ted up on the offer. Given the string of 10 incoherent and unremarkable posts, your bald head, and your teenager-level personality, you are not likely to have much luck with the ladies.

    • The_Mick

      Well as an Army vet that is currently deployed Stoney im curious of your MOS while you were in. Anybody with your attitude and abilty for exceptional anti-cub rhetoric would have gotten your ass handed to you on a daily basis, well, unless you were a cook or a finance clerk as I suspect.

      Go CUBS! and please keep the comments coming, so damn entertaining.

    • Joe Blow

      Hey “Stoney”, telling people ur a cardinals fan is not something you want to go bragging about. I respect ur service to our country as I was in the air force myself (Go ahead I’m sure you’ll have a field day with that one), but the cracks on chicago were uncalled for. I’m sure there’s plenty of gay people in St. Louis who would probably try to fuck you. Hell, ur probably in great shape from being in the service, I’m sure gay redbird fans want your sweet can ALOT. You don’t have to drive to Chicago to get your fudge packed, just stop by Busch stadium and don’t forget to drop ur keys in the bathroom. Apparently the batters won’t be the only ones takin’ a high hard one inside when you come to the game!

  • Butcher

    This has absolutely turned into the most entertaining comments thread in the history of the Internet.

  • Joe Blow

    Most Cardinal fans are a bunch of inbred, beer-chugging redneck assholes. They rely on Pujols to carry them each year and the management attempts to put a supoorting cast around him to help out. Holliay and Lugo were nice additions, but I don’t see them hanging around if the Cards don’t make a big post season run, which is what they were brought in to help with. Or maybe they’ll stay cause St. Louis has so much to offer culturally (NOT, STUPID ARCH!!!) They traded away their best minor league prospect to Oakland, and it’s not like their farm system is cranking out talent left and right. I’m not saying the Cubs are great either, we can’t hit at all right now, but the Cardinals organization would kill to have a fanbase as loyal as ours and the national following that our team has. And by the way, who’s won the division the last two years? Have another Bud St. Louie, you’re gonna need it if Pujols gets hurt. No wait, LaRussa will have one while he’s driving home. But anyway, if St. Louis didn’t have Phat Albert they’d be swimming around with the Reds and the Pirates in the bottom of the division. Wrigley is a piece of baseball history and it’s a symbol of a byegone era in baseball when it was about playing for the love of the game and not for money or corporate sponsorship (like Busch Stadium for example.) The old Busch Stadium wasn’t even that old, what’d they need a new park for? But anyway, I’m sick of people spewing negativity about the Cubs, namely Cardinal and Sox fans. And In regards to Buerhle’s perfect game, he hasn’t done much since. In my opinion, 20 strikeouts says alot more about a pitcher than a perfect game does. Kerry got 20 k’s all by himself, and he didn’t need Dwayne Wise (or some other no name career minor leaguer) to save the day for him. We may be cursed, but i’d be willing to bet Kenny Williams would love to have the Sox sell out the cell for other series during the season, not just when the Cubs come by to play. That place is a ghost town most games. We may not have won in a hundred years and counting, but at least people give a shit about the Cubs. I look at it this way, if there’s that many haters of the Cubs out there that multiple websites are devoted to our loosing and yet we STILL sell out Wrigley almost every game, we must be doin’ something right.

    • Cardfan

      I’m not a psychiatrist, but I would recommend printing your dissertation (was that whole thing typed without breathing once?) and taking it to a professional. You will make them very happy for years to come. Perhaps both you and Stoney could meet in Peoria for back-to-back sessions? He/she will have you two hugging in no time.

      PS Did you drop your beer last night?

  • http://cubssuckclub.com LOL

    Annnnnnnnnd Ace disappears, hahaha. How’s those flubs doing now moron? Great article. Keep chasing the dream of ever winning ANYTHING flub fans, cause it’s not forthcoming.

    • Ace

      I disappeared? That’s weird. Who’s been writing all these articles?

  • Bryant

    Hey, hey about that 7.5 game lead in the central right now? Loser.

    • Ace

      Are you an actual retarded person? I mean, it’s cool with me if you are; but just watch the corners on your computer, ok?

  • al

    suck me bih i didnt hear shit from you for 2 fuckinyears now you wanna spout off asshole

    • Ace

      Your heart is in the right place, al, but your words… they’re in so many wrong places.

  • al

    hey we can always get better but youre still a fucking cardinals fan!!! LOL FROM MISSOURI>>>HAHAHAA talk about being a loser

    • Cardfan

      “Illinois nazis…I HATE Illinois nazis”

  • joe who doesn’t blow

    Joe Blow is in so much denial that he really needs to see someone in the mental health profession. I’ve seen my team, The St. Louis Cardinals, in the World Series 5 times in my lifetime. They’ve won two of them of course. What I don’t get is Cubs fans who trash talk White Sox and Cardinal fans. WHAT ARE YOU BRAGGING ABOUT?! I get the passion, and know what it’s like. I’m a Blues fan for GOD’s sake…but I don’t trash talk Red Wings fans and hang my hat on the Blues winning the president’s trophy in 2000.
    Why is it that some Cubs fans hang their hats on division titles the last 2 years? If that makes you feel good, then have at it. As far as you selling out every game no matter what? That’s why you will NEVER WIN! Wrigley Field is very historic, but it’s a pile of shit! The Yankees have the foresight to know what they need to do to win, and treat their fans well.
    Twenty strike-outs in a game is an AMAZING FEAT, but better than a PERFECT GAME? YOU ARE EITHER HIGH… OR A STUPID CUBS FAN!!!!…. MORON!
    I’m sure that there is some 100 year old, die-hard Cubs somewhere that has to look him or herself in the mirror and think “I’ve NEVER seen my Cubs win a championship”.
    Also, there are 64 year old Cubs fans that have to look in the mirror and think “I’ve never seen my team win the pennant”.
    By the way, I LOVE THIS ARTICLE! It’s amazing how Cubs fans get so high off of two division championships!!!
    By the way…the Cubs are 8 games back right now. Are Cubs fans hoping for next year yet?

  • glad i’m not a cubs fan

    are you really talkin’ shit? look at the history, look at the standings.
    that’s all!

  • DaveB

    Hey “glad I’m not a cubs fan”, LOOK AT THE CALENDAR!
    Its only August. yes you have an 8 game lead in the division and all but have the division locked up, BUT ITS NOT EVEN THE FUCKIN PLAYOFFS YET!
    Same to you “Joe who doesnt blow”, you talk about how Cubs fans were getting “high” off 2 straight division titles. Well it sounds like all of you Cards fans are getting high off having an 8 game lead in the divsion IN AUGUST!
    ITS NOT EVEN THE PLAYOFFS YET! Lets wait until October until you talk some shit. You guys havent done SHIT this year unless you can win in October.
    Im not saying that the Cards arent going to win in October, they have just as good a chance as any of the other division leaders. But please dont be a hypocrite and accuse Cub fans of getting high off 2 division titles when you Card fans are doing THE EXACT SAME THING. You havent proven anything until you win in October, so lets see it

  • TheBigSpanker

    Hi Cards Fans –

    You know what? I was down in St. Louis, earlier in the summer, for a wedding between a Cards fan and a Cubs fan. It was a terrific affair. Lots of playful jabs between good people. Everyone got along. Everyone had fun. The Cub fans respected the Cards fans, and vice versa. A truly terrific time…we all made friends we’ll have for the rest of our lives.

    Still…at one point…from the corner of the ballroom, there came a guttural cry or sound. We all turned at once…thinking it was something in pain. What we found…was one of the most curious creatures ever described.

    It was probably a male…sitting in the corner of the room…beer bottle in hand. It was wearing a Cards jersey. (I believe it was Tommy Herr.) He looked normal…almost clean cut.

    This is where it gets funky. As he opened his mouth to talk, an obscenely greasy, gargantuan mullet grew from the back of his head, and his teeth…I mean his whole top plate…swiveled 45 degrees, and began to jut out. His two front ones actually broke through his cheek.

    As he spoke; vomit…real vomit…replaced his saliva, and spewed forth with his words. He was clearly sitting happily in his own filth, as well.

    And his words? Only two were coherent…and, even though they were spoken aloud, you could tell they were misspelled.

    “Cub suk!”

    Everyone was aghast. The Cards fans…decent people all…made apologies to us. We assured them of our understanding.

    Problem is…I never got a name.

    Which one of you guys was it?

  • Stoney

    Hey cubs fans……ITS ALL OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hahahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahahaha. Maybe in another hundred years or so……

  • the cubs suck

    Nice. This is a great article about how the cards will suck this year. Way to go Kreskin.

    • Ace

      Way to read, professor.

  • al

    You know why they call missouri the show me state??? Because they cant read!!!!HAHAHA

  • al

    Those two cards in the picture …what are they doing holding hands??? Dancing??
    bet they cant wait to hit the showers!! WINK WINK!!

  • Cardfan

    As of al’s last post, this thread officially qualifies for federal assistance due to the remedial nature of its participants.

  • joe who doesn’t blow

    I went into tonight thinking the Cubs HAVE to sweep the Nats to stay in the race. I just checked the score, they’re losing 9-1 in the fifth inning of a home game that Zambrano started. It doesn’t look good for Cub’s fans this year. I guess that crazy spending spree the Cubs went on last off season didn’t pay off. I know the Cardinals have a LOT invested in dealing prospects for Lugo, Holliday, and Derosa, but that may be the price of winning. (signing Smoltz doesn’t hurt either) Lugo was freebee after all, as Boston is paying all of his salary this year and next. I kind of hate to say it, because the season still has 5 weeks or so to go, but it looks like the Cub’s fans will again be saying “We’ll do it next year!”.

  • joe who doesn’t blow

    I think it’s almost over now. Nine games back . Why are the Cub’s fans not commenting?
    The Chicago and national press pretty much said that everyone else in the NL Central might as well not bother even playing this year…the Cub’s are the class of the division! Well , that’s why they play the games! 101 years of futility does not happen on accident!!!
    I would think it’s clear to even the most stupid and uneducated sport’s fan at this point that …THE CUBS SUCK!
    It’s clearly over Cubs!!!!!!!!! MAYBE next year! It’s a saying you’re use to anyway.

  • the cubs suck

    9 games…make that up BITCHES!!!!!!!!!….let me guess..no comment?!

    • Ace

      You’re pathetic. Does that count as a comment?

  • redbirdfan82

    cubs fans kill me. they haven’t won shit, but they talk nothing but shit. they remind me of boston fans. at least boston fans waited ’till they won something before they became the most annoying fans in the world.

    • Cubs

      The Cardinals BLOW! What waste of a playoff spot!

    • Steve Bartman

      i love how the page starts “the cards will suck i 2009” well I guess hes right if that means win the division by 7 games over a team with 27 more mill. payroll hahaha thank god Im from stl all the fags and shitty beer and bad baseball u have to be put through i guess I get why u hate us hahahaha

      • Ace

        I have really missed these pearls. I can’t wait to do the “Why the Cardinals will suck in 2010.”

        • Jay

          lol, and the Cardinal do completely suck in 2010. And they’re huge pathetic cry babies on top of that. Even with such a talented starting pitching staff they still can’t manage to win more than 85 games, pathetic little organization.

  • al

    speaking of being retarted….cardinals in swayheely means RETARDED!!!

  • Cardfan

    Crap…and I chose “10 game lead” as the over/under for all the wackjobs flying out of the woodwork. Looks like “9” was a winner…

    • Ace

      Yeah, things are getting ridiculous – on both sides. At least we have each other.

      That was romantic.



  • 101years

    still 9 behind. how does that stomach bile taste cubs fans? all that money in the off-season…for what? at least i’ve seen my team go to and win a world championship.
    it is like heaven. too bad you will never know.

    • Butcher

      Somehow I’ll find a way to carry on…

  • STLCards

    Go Cards!!! Where are the trash talking Cubs fans all of a sudden?

  • Pujolis is really good

    The baseball team from my area is far superior to the baseball team from your are.

    The school system in my area is smarter than the school system from your area.

    The people from my area are far less trashy than the people from your area.

    etc…etc…etc…so fucking lame you guys…the sooner you stop defining your life by the city you live in the cooler life you’ll have.

    Btw, the cardinals are totally winning the world series this year (i live in minnesota)

    • Ace


      Unless you’re talking about me. In which case, I could not possibly disagree more.

    • Clinging to my rights

      You only have to step out the front door of Wrigley Field to get a front row view of corruption and everything wrong with America. You would also have a front row seat to the gay pride parade.

      • Ace

        You represent your team – and yourself – well.

  • Chuck44

    Yea, look who’s sucking hard, deep, and long – you guessed it, the Chicago (big mouth) Cubs. Do not take it too hard, or soft. Just sit home and watch the Cardinals trounce all the way to the World Series against the Yankees, and then kick their asses and dedicate all of those wins to the best has-been team in baseball, the Cubs. Next year will be more of the same.

    Suck on a Cardinal 34 inch Cardinal bat and a couple of Cardinal baseballs…

    The next Cubs World Series will be in 4001 AD

    • bt

      Chuck, if you are over 12 years old, this is just embarrassing.

      Also, if English is your FIRST language, see above.

      • Ace

        Bt, you still have the ability to melt my heart.

  • Chuck44

    Knowing that you Cubs devotees are fools, that is the beginning of your wisdom, learning that the Cardinals are the most superior team in baseball in 2009…

    Carpenter, Wainwright, Pinero, Smoltz – Impossible to beat that pitching rotation, all the way to the World Series, with the magical guidance of Tony LaRussa, Manager of the year, 2009….

    Albert Pujols, winner of the MVP, 2nd straight year…

    Cubs are the big Suckers, at least they can do that with maximum expertise. They have had at least 100 of sucking practice. No wonder that are so very, very good at sucking.
    Cubs do the giant suck-down on this…!!!

  • Cardfan