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The Chicago Cubs kick off their home schedule with a totally normal, and not at all bizarre two-game, off-day-in-the-middle series against the Colorado Rockies.  A refresher on the series preview here at Bleacher Nation:

The idea is to hook you up with the bare minimum of what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of hot chicks, too.

We’re Going Streaking

The Cubs come into the series winners of two in a row and four of their first six on the season. The Rockies, on the other hand, come in losers of two in a row. They are 3-3 on the season.

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Monday, April 13 at 1:20 CT on WGN.
  • Wednesday, April 15 at 1:20 CT on CSN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups aren’t always perfect, but they’re usually close.

Cubs

Starters: Ted Lilly, Rich Harden

Lineup:

  1. Soriano, LF
  2. Fukudome, CF
  3. Lee, 1B
  4. Bradley, RF
  5. Ramirez, 3B
  6. Fontenot, 2B
  7. Theriot,SS
  8. Hill, C
  9. Pitcher

Rockies

Starters: Ubaldo Jiminez, Jason Marquis

Lineups:

  1. Dexter Fowler, CF
  2. Ryan Spillboroughs, LF
  3. Brad Hawpe, RF
  4. Garrett Atkins, 1B
  5. Ian Stewart, 3B
  6. Troy Tulowitzki, SS
  7. Chris Iannetta, C
  8. Clint Barmes, 2B
  9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

Going into this past weekend’s series with the Brewers, the guys to watch on the Cubs included a group that was scorching hot. Now, it’s a couple guys who are ice cold. Derrek Lee has just two hits so far this year, and Milton Bradley just one. At least Bradley has the courtesy to take a game off or two when he’s hitting like crap.

Relatedly, the question is whether Bradley or catcher Geovany Soto will play in the series. Bradley is out for today’s game, and Soto is a question mark.

For the Rockies, is there any doubt that it’s Jason Marquis? Wednesday’s starting pitcher was dumped by the Cubs in the offseason, and might be looking for a little payback. More importantly, Marquis has been dominant in the first half of the year for several seasons now.

marissa miller cubs jerseySeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about who would represent the Cubs this year. Given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs – oh, and the fact that she is a level of hot commensurate with the Chicago Cubs’ ability, I’ve chosen supermodel Marisa Miller. You’re welcome.

jessica biel sexyFor the the Colorado Rockies, well, the entendras abound, don’t they? Well, I’ve managed to avoid the temptation to simply post the grandest, um, rockies out there, and come up with a worthy opponent for the Cubs’ Marisa Miller.

Though the Rockies’ representative wasn’t born in Colorado, she did spend many of her formative years in the state when her family settled in Boulder. She is the beautiful, and probably really intelligent, Jessica Biel.

Given our readership, you’re probably obsessively awaiting her appearance as a stripper in the upcoming film, ‘Powder Blue.’ I have trouble picturing that movie as anything other than the kid from ‘Powder’ getting doused with Gatorade, staining his albino white skin blue. But that’s just me. You probably picture Jessica Biel’s boobs.

So who do you like in this matchup? Jessica Biel gets an unfair advantage as she’s getting a dual picture, showing her Colorado Rockies and her, um, Alasska? I don’t know, Cubs fans. Rockies might take this series.

jessica biel pantiesmarisa miller breasts

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