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The Chicago Cubs now cannot avoid the craphole that is Busch Stadium, in this, their second series against the hated St. Louis Cardinals.  A refresher on the series preview here at Bleacher Nation:

The idea is to hook you up with the bare minimum of what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of hot chicks, too.

We’re Going Streaking

The Cubs (8-6) just dropped their first series of the year (to the Reds, no less). The Cardinals just swept the Mets, the lousy bastards. They’re on top of the Central with an 11-5 mark.

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Friday, April 24 at 7:15 CT on CSN.
  • Saturday, April 25 at 3:10 CT on FOX.
  • Sunday, April 26 at 1:15 CT on WGN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups aren’t always perfect, but they’re usually close.

Cubs

Starters: Ryan Dempster, Sean Marshall, Rich Harden

Lineup:

  1. Soriano, LF
  2. Theriot, SS
  3. Fukudome, RF
  4. Lee, 1B
  5. Ramirez, 3B
  6. Fontenot, 2B
  7. Soto, C
  8. Johnson, CF
  9. Pitcher

Cardinals

Starters: Adam Wainwright, Mitch Boggs, Todd Wellemeyer

Lineups:

  1. Skip Schumaker, 2B
  2. Colby Rasmus, LF
  3. Albert Pujols, 1B
  4. Ryan Ludwick, RF
  5. Rick Ankiel, CF
  6. Khalil Greene, SS
  7. Brian Barden, 3B
  8. Yadier Molina, C
  9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

Ryan Theriot led the NL in hitting before the series with the Reds. A total fluke and he’s coming down to Earth? Maybe. Probably too early to know for sure.

Lou Piniella has indicated that Micah Hoffpauir is heading back to the bench following some defensive misadventures in right field. Thus, Kosuke Fukudome will slide over to right in Milton Bradley’s absence, and Reed Johnson will get some starts in center. The defense gets a huge boost, but the offense takes a huge hit. So the eyes will be on ‘ole chin balls. I love that guy.

For the Cardinals, the guy to watch is the resurgent and dominant Chris Carpen… oh. Nevermind. Oh snap, you better believe I used that one two weeks in a row.

How about Ryan freaking Ludwick? Last year’s joke is this year’s “oh crap, this guy is for real.” He leads the Cardinals in batting average and home runs. Yes, Albert Pujols is still on the Cardinals.

marissa miller cubs jerseySeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about who would represent the Cubs this year. Given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs – oh, and the fact that she is a level of hot commensurate with the Chicago Cubs’ ability, I’ve chosen supermodel Marisa Miller. You’re welcome.

sheryl crow bikiniChoosing a representative for the St. Louis Cardinals was very difficult last week. Frankly… I don’t want them to win. But I also didn’t want to pick some total, ridiculous ugmo – that’s rigging the game and, well, not exactly easy on my readership’s eyes.

So I went with someone that, I don’t know, some people might find hot. Let’s call her a grizzled veteran, not unlike a few Cardinals.

Oh, and because I’d like all Cardinal fans to eat crow when the series is over: we go with Sheryl Crow, who hails from Kennett, Missouri – which is just a stone’s throw (ok, a ridiculously long stone’s throw) away from St. Louis.

We’ll call this one the Battle of the Butts. Marisa Miller’s ass versus Sheryl Crow’s ass. The winner?

Clearly, it’s you.

sheryl crow ass

versusmarisa miller butt

  • jack

    FVCK the cubs. 100 Years.

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