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Another two-game series, and this time is the pitiful Houston Astros. Don’t the MLB schedule-makers know that all a two-game series does is increase my work?

So, the series preview: the idea is to hook you up with what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of hot chicks, too.

We’re Going Streaking

The Cubs have finally, sort of, maybe, started to turn things around, and took a four-game winning streak into yesterday’s game against Tim Lincecum and the Giants. That’s when Lou Piniella decided it wasn’t worth trying, and fielded the Cubs’ middle school lineup. Naturally, the Cubs lost. Still, they are 14-12, tied for second in the Central.

The Astros, on the other hand, find themselves in the Central cellar. They’re so bad, they couldn’t even complete yesterday’s game against the Nationals (ok, that’s probably unfair).

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Wednesday, May 6 at 7:05 CT on CSN.
  • Thursday, May 7 at 7:05 CT on CSN+.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups are rarely perfect, but they’re usually close.

Cubs

Starters: Rich Harden, Ted Lilly

Lineup:

  1. Soriano, LF
  2. Theriot, SS
  3. Fukudome, CF
  4. Ramirez, 3B
  5. Bradley, RF
  6. Lee, 1B
  7. Fontenot, 2B
  8. Soto, C
  9. Pitcher

Astros

Starters: Mike Hampton (he’s alive?), Russ Ortiz (HE’S alive?)

Lineups:

  1. Kaz Matsui, 2B
  2. Michael/Jason Bourn, CF
  3. Lance Berkman, 1B
  4. Carlos Lee, LF
  5. Miguel Tejada, SS
  6. Hunter Pence, RF
  7. Ivan Rodriguez, C
  8. Jeff Keppinger, 3B
  9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

Rich Harden looked like poop in his last outting, so hopefully he’ll rebound against a fairly ok Astros lineup. The Cubs should be back at full strength offensively for both games, so keep an eye on Aramis Ramirez. Also, um, Ryan Theriot? I will resist the urge to make the obvious steroid joke, but seriously dude: lay off the stuff. Um, in November.

The Astros bullpen is taaaxed, so hopefully the Cubs can get to Hampton and Ortiz early. Michael Bourn has gone from end of the lineup, crappy-hitting fast guy to top of the lineup, pretty-ok-hitting fast guy.

marissa miller cubs jerseySeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about who would represent the Cubs this year. Given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs – oh, and the fact that she is a level of hot commensurate with the Chicago Cubs’ ability, I’ve chosen supermodel Marisa Miller. You’re welcome.

sexy jessica simpsonFor the Astros, although it’s the second time we’ve seen her, we’ve got to stick with the same representative: Jessica Simpson. Much like the team she represents, she’s strong up the middle, and always seems to show up even after you’ve counted her out. But she spent the offseason bulking up, and not in the good way.

So how do they match up? A lot of similarities between these two combatants – they even look the same in the right light. But the back end (of the rotation, I mean) separates these two. Of course, this series matchups up the front end (of the rotations, I mean).

So who takes it this time?  Last time it was Marisa and the Cubs. Anything changed? We’ll go with the red carpet look for this match-up.

jessica simpson boobs

versus

marisa miller side boob

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