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The Chicago Cubs take on the finally hapless San Diego Padres. Perhaps Jake Peavy’s wistful stares in the direction of the Cubs’ dugout will give the Cubs a leg up. A refresher on the series preview here at Bleacher Nation:

The idea is to hook you up with the bare minimum of what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of hot chicks, too.

We’re Going Streaking

The Cubs (17-14) are still trailing the Cardinals in the Central, and just came back from a short road trip where they took three of five, but lost two of three to the Brewers.

The Padres (13-19) are quite cold, having won just twice this month. The Cubs are usually the cure for slumps like that.

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Tuesday, May 12 at 7:05 CT on CSN+.
  • Wednesday, May 13 at 7:05 CT on CSN.
  • Thursday, May 14 at 1:20 CT on CSN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups are likely to be, well, wrong. But they’ll be close.

Cubs

Starters: Rich Harden (3-1, 4.83), Ted Lilly (4-2, 3.11), Randy Wells (0-0, 0.00 (but he’s totally pitched before))

Lineup:

  1. Soriano, LF
  2. Theriot, SS
  3. Fukudome, CF
  4. Bradley, RF
  5. Lee, 1B (should be back)
  6. Fontenot, 3B
  7. Soto, C
  8. Miles, 2B
  9. Pitcher

Padres

Starters: Jake Peavy (2-4, 4.27), Chris Young (2-1, 4.76), Chad Gaudin (0-2, 4.08)

Lineups:

  1. Jody Gerut, RF
  2. David Eckstein, 2B
  3. Adrian Gonzalez, 1B
  4. Chase Headley, LF
  5. Scott Hairston, CF
  6. Kevin Kouzmanoff, 3B
  7. Nick Hundley, C
  8. Chris Burke, SS
  9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

Perhaps the most interesting thing to watch is how the Cubs deal with the gaping hole at 3B. Mike Fontenot has been equal to the task with his glove lately, but will a regular rotation that includes Fontenot, Miles, and Ryan Freel even produce half the runs of Aramis Ramirez?

For the Padres, could there be a more interesting pitching lineup? First, you’ve got former-almost-probably-future Cub Jake Peavy. He hasn’t been awesome this year. Then you’ve got Derrek Lee’s would be punching bag (you know, if he could actually connect), Chris Young. To round it all out is Chicago Cubs reject regret, Chad Gaudin. Don’t look now, but he’s got the best ERA of the three. Thank God the Cubs avoided that misery.

marissa miller cubs jerseySeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about who would represent the Cubs this year. Given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs – oh, and the fact that she is a level of hot commensurate with the Chicago Cubs’ ability, I’ve chosen supermodel Marisa Miller. You’re welcome.

cameron diaz cleavageFor the the Padres, it was a brutal choice. It may surprise you, but when it comes to sunny Southern California, a handful of beautiful women come to mind. Most are from Los Angeles, or are somehow associated with it – you know, in the sense that a lot of TV and movies and junk come from Hollywood, which is like, the same as L.A. or something, and there are hot chicks in those things, or something, er, but I digress.

Oh yeah, San Diego. You know who hails from San Diego a while back? The subject of a great deal of recent Cub-related scorn: Miss Complicated herself, Denise Richards. But no, no, we haven’t selected her.

We’ve got to go with the San Diego surfer chick – Charlie’s chick. Yup. That’d be the beautiful Cameron Diaz. We’ll make this match up the “having fun” match up. Because San Diego is all about fun, and well, now I’m having fun, too.

sexy cameron diaz boobs

Versus

marisa miller bikini smile

  • Cardfan

    Don’t get too excited about Peavy. The Ramirez implosion just hoisted him to the top of the LA wish list. Two weeks ago I was sure he would be in Chicago. Now, he’ll have a chance to stay in SD and commute to LA.

    He’s the Pads only chance for a W at Wrigley and he’s back on track in May (1.20 ERA).

    • Ace

      The inter-divisional trade thing will somewhat cramp the Pads being eager to deal with the Dodgers. That said, if it’s head to head, the Cubs can’t match the Dodgers’ prospects.

  • Pingback: Cameron Diaz To Be The Next Octomom | Famecrawler

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