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Another series against the pitiful Houston Astros. I know, I know. Calling them pitiful is just asking for the Cubs to get swept (and asking the trolls to come out).

So, the series preview: the idea is to hook you up with what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of hot chicks, too.

We’re Going Streaking

The Cubs are hot-ish, having won four in a row, and just swept the San Diego Padres. Not exactly a huge accomplishment, but the fact is, when you’re playing without guys like Aramis Ramirez and Carlos Zambrano, the Padres are the kind of team you have to beat. And the Cubs did. They’re now a season-high six games over .500, and just a half game out of first place in the Central.

Ok, I guess the Astros aren’t that pitiful. They’re 16-18, and have won five of six. I still dislike them.

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Friday, May 15 at 1:20 CT on WGN.
  • Saturday, May 16 at 12:05 CT on CSN.
  • Sunday, May 17 at 1:20 CT on WGN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups are rarely perfect, but they’re usually close.

Cubs

Starters: Randy Wells (0-0, 0.00, Sean Marshall (1-2, 4.06), Rich Harden (4-1, 4.54)

Lineup:

  1. Soriano, LF
  2. Theriot, SS
  3. Fukudome, CF
  4. Lee, 1B
  5. Bradley, RF (except the first game)
  6. Soto, C
  7. Fontenot, 2B
  8. Scales, 3B
  9. Pitcher

Astros

Starters: Brian Moehler (0-2, 8.44), Roy Oswalt (1-2, 4.50), Felipe Paulino (1-3, 6.93)

Lineups:

  1. Kaz Matsui, 2B
  2. Jason Bourn, CF
  3. Lance Berkman, 1B
  4. Carlos Lee, LF
  5. Miguel Tejada, SS
  6. Hunter Pence, RF
  7. Ivan Rodriguez, C
  8. Jeff Keppinger, 3B
  9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

Ryan Theriot’s power surge continues, and Bobby Scales is hitting like, well, a Major Leaguer. But perhaps the most important guy to watch is today’s pitcher, Randy Wells. If Wells has another strong outing, it could spell the end of tomorrow’s starter’s time in the rotation. That’s because when Carlos Zambrano comes back, Lou Piniella has hinted he would like to move Sean Marshall to the bullpen and leave Randy Wells in the rotation.

For the Astros, it’s still freaking Michael Bourn. He’s gone from end of the lineup, crappy-hitting fast guy to top of the lineup, pretty-ok-hitting fast guy. He’s well over .300, and steals bases like they are candy and the opposing team is a baby, and he’s the kind of jerk who actually takes candy from a baby.

marissa miller cubs jerseySeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about who would represent the Cubs this year. Given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs – oh, and the fact that she is a level of hot commensurate with the Chicago Cubs’ ability, I’ve chosen supermodel Marisa Miller. You’re welcome.

jessica simpson cleavageFor the Astros, although it’s the third time we’ve seen her, we’ve got to stick with the same representative: Jessica Simpson. Sometimes we’ll change the representative mid-season, sometimes we won’t. I think this one is going to stick, though.

So how do they match up? A lot of similarities between these two combatants – Jessica Simpson and Marisa Miller even look the same in the right light.

So who takes it this time?  Last time it was Marisa and the Cubs. Anything changed? We’ll go “artistic water” style for the matchup.

jessica simpson wet

Versus

marisa miller wet

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