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The Chicago Cubs head to Great American Ballpark to take on the Cincinnati Reds and the greatest manager in all the land, Dusty Baker.  A refresher on the series preview here at Bleacher Nation:

The idea is to hook you up with the bare minimum of what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of hot chicks, too.

We’re Going Streaking

The Cubs are just a game over .500 after a heart-breaking loss and a heart-breaking win against the Braves. They continue to play incredibly short-handed, but simply staying afloat is no longer an option. It’s time to make a move in the Central, where they already trail three teams. Including…

The Reds. Three games over five hundred, just a handful out of first. Will it last? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean they can’t take it to the Cubs this weekend. They have lost five of seven, however, so maybe the wheels are loosening, if not yet coming off.

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Friday, June 5 at 6:10 CT on CSN.
  • Saturday, June 6 at 6:10 CT on WGN.
  • Sunday, June 7 at 12:10 CT on WGN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups aren’t always perfect, but they’re usually close.

Cubs

Starters: Carlos Zambrano (3-2, 4.42), Ryan Dempster (4-3, 4.48), Sean Marshall (3-4, 4.73), Randy Wells (0-2, 1.69)

Lineup:

  1. Soriano, LF
  2. Theriot, SS
  3. Fukudome, RF
  4. Lee, 1B
  5. Johnson, CF (maybe Bradley comes back, who knows)
  6. Fontenot, 3B
  7. Soto, C
  8. Scales/Blanco, 2B
  9. Pitcher

Reds

Starters: Micah Owings (3-6, 5.10), Mr. X (???), Matt Maloney (–, —), Bronson Arroyo (7-4, 5.37)

Lineups:

  1. Jerry Hairston, Jr. 3B
  2. Chris Dickerson, CF
  3. Brandon Phillips, 2B
  4. Jay Bruce, RF
  5. Ramon Hernandez, 1B
  6. Laynce Nix, LF
  7. Alex Gonzalez, SS
  8. Ryan Hanigan, C
  9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

Randy Wells – aka the personified reason why win/loss record is the most useless stat ever –  has been one of the best pitchers in baseball since he entered the Cubs rotation just a few weeks ago. He’ll pitch the day after the man he’s replacing in the rotation, Sean Marshall (yes, I get that’s a strange statement since he’s still in the rotation).

Marshall had been steady in all of his starts this year until Lou Piniella brainlessly blind-sided Marshall by announcing to the media that Randy Wells – and not Marshall – would remain in the rotation when Rich Harden returns from a back injury. Marshall responded by promptly imploding. Hopefully he’s put that behind him, and as the consummate professional, turns in a good outing despite his imminent move the bullpen.

(ed. – Stupid freaking rain completely screwed up the probable pitchers, and now it looks likely that Marshall will not start in this series. But I already wrote all that shit, so it stays. Don’t like it? Go read ESPNChicago. Um. And then please come back.)

For the Reds, Jerry Hairston, Jr. has seven home runs. Seven. Um. Wtf?

The Reds will call up lefty Matt Maloney to replace Edinson Volquez, and start against the Cubs on Saturday. Beware. Guys like that always freaking dominate the Cubs.

But the guy to watch is the guy who always crushes the Cubs: Joey Votto. Watch him not play. Which is awesome for the Cubs. Sucks for him, though, obviously.

marisa miller cubs jerseySeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about who would represent the Cubs this year. Given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs – oh, and the fact that she is a level of hot commensurate with the Chicago Cubs’ ability, I’ve chosen supermodel Marisa Miller. You’re welcome.

lindsay lohan boobsChoosing a representative for the Reds was actually fairly easy. But forget about trying to find someone from Cincinnati. I mean, I’m sure there are beautiful women in that neck of the woods, so it’s not that.

No, it was easy because of the set-up: the Cincinnati Reds. That means red heads, folks. And there’s only one redhead in the news these days. She’s young, she’s hot, she’s kind of lesbian, and she’s every kind of crazy. Yup, we’re sticking with the same one as last time.

That’s right. It’s Lindsay Lohan.

Yes, she’s a bit of a trainwreck these days – not unlike the manager of the team she represents – but Lindsay Lohan is still easy on the eyes. And crazy chicks are dynamite in the sack. The Reds might have the advantage. Unless they’re straight now.

So have at it. Who you got? We’ll go with a hot-laying-down matchup. And yes, I realize that technically Lindsey Lohan is not a redhead in the below picture. But the spirit remains. The spirit.

lindsay lohan naked

Versus

marissa miller hot pic

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