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The Chicago Cubs head back to Minute Maid Miniature Golf Course for a series with the Astros. Hopefully they brought their big putters.

So, the series preview: the idea is to hook you up with what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of hot chicks, too.

We’re Going Streaking

Never have I felt worse about a series victory than the one the Cubs just had in Cincinnati. Somehow they came out with two of three, but it felt like they lost five in a row. Still, despite all of the woe that has been the first third of the season, the Cubs are somehow just 3.5 games out of first (though, perhaps more importantly, they trail two teams and are tied with a third).

The Astros find themselves in the NL Central cellar, a full seven games out of first. But, they’ve won six of eight, and come into the series one of the warmer teams in the National League.

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Tuesday, June 9 at 7:05 CT on CSN
  • Wednesday, June 10 at 7:05 CT on WGN.
  • Thursday, June 11 at 1:05 CT on CSN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups are rarely perfect, but they’re usually close.

Cubs

Starters: Ted Lilly (6-4, 3.28), Carlos Zambrano (4-2, 3.72), Ryan Dempster (4-3, 4.12)

Lineup:

  1. Soriano, LF
  2. Theriot, SS
  3. Fukudome, CF
  4. Lee, 1B
  5. Bradley, RF (maybe?)
  6. Fontenot, 3B
  7. Soto/Hill, C
  8. Blanco/Scales, 2B
  9. Pitcher

Astros

Starters: Brian Moehler (2-3, 6.37), Wandy Rodriguez (5-5, 2.97), Roy Oswalt (2-3, 4.66)

Lineups:

  1. Jason Bourne, CF
  2. Miguel Tejada, SS
  3. Hunter Pence, RF
  4. Carlos Lee, LF
  5. Lance Berkman, 1B
  6. Ivan Rodriguez, C
  7. Jeff Keppinger, 3B
  8. Edwin Maysonet, 2B
  9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

Game-winning home run (well, the two subsequent runs would have won the game, but people want to make him the hero, so whatever) not withstanding, Alfonso Soriano is ice freaking cold – to the tune of a .162 average in his last 17 games. Holy ouch. With Milton Bradley mostly out and mostly sucky, Aramis Ramirez definitely out, and the rest of the non-Derrek Lee Cubs unable to hit, the Cubs need a famous Soriano hot streak like never before.

Wandy Rodriguez is one of those guys whose name sounds like he’s a girl. Wait, I mean, he’s one of those guys who it just seems like always dominates the Cubs – but he kind of doesn’t. ERA over 4, in fact.

Apparently the salvo for a waning career is nearly going to jail for lying to the feds about steroid use. Well, or maybe it’s just steroid use. Just ask Miguel Tejada. Dude is hitting an obscene .354, and has his OPS over .900.

marissa miller cubs jerseySeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about who would represent the Cubs this year. Given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs – oh, and the fact that she is a level of hot commensurate with the Chicago Cubs’ ability, I’ve chosen supermodel Marisa Miller. You’re welcome.

jessica simpson assFor the Astros, although it’s the third time we’ve seen her, we’ve got to stick with the same representative: Jessica Simpson. Much like the team she represents, she’s strong up the middle, and always seems to show up even after you’ve counted her out. But she spent the offseason bulking up, and not in the good way.

So how do they match up? A lot of similarities between these two combatants – they even look the same in the right light. But the back end (of the rotation, I mean) separates these two. Of course, this series matchups up the front end (of the rotations, I mean).

So who takes it this time?  The previous two times, it was Marisa and the Cubs. Anything changed? We’ll make this a glamorous/breasty match up.

jessica simpson boobs

versus

marisa miller chest

 

  • Kalebarkab

    I want to find good pop music. Help me please.

    • Ace

      Google B.B.D., and you’ll be good to go.

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