Series Preview: Cubs v. Tigers, June 23 – June 25, 2009

The Chicago Cubs head up to the saddest city in the United States to take on the Tigers. Bring your checkbook, boys, and get a house for $14.95. That was mean. Sorry.

So, the series preview: the idea is to hook you up with what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of hot chicks, too.

We’re Going Streaking

The Cubs swept the Cleveland Indians out of town, but were swept by the Atlanta Braves … in a one-game series (make up for a rain out). Still, compared with just two weeks ago, things are looking bright for the Cubs, who find themselves just a couple games out of first in the NL Central.

The Tigers just happily bent over the Milwaukee Brewers, which was totally helpful. Thanks. Sincere this time. The Tigers find themselves at the top of the awful, awful AL Central, which is not much of an accomplishment, but the team is solid.

Game Times and Broadcasts

• Tuesday, June 23 at 6:05 CT on WGN.
• Wednesday, June 24 at 6:05 CT on CSN.
• Thursday, June 25 at 12:05 CT on WGN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups are rarely perfect, but they’re usually close.

Cubs

Starters: Carlos Zambrano (4-2, 3.44), Rich Harden (4-3, 5.27), Ted Lilly (7-4, 3.04)

Lineup:

1. Soriano, LF
2. Theriot, SS
3. Bradley, RF
4. Lee, 1B
5. Soto, C
6. Johnson/Fukudome, CF
7. Fontenot, 3B
8. Miles/Blanco, 2B
9. Fox/Hoffpauir, DH (they won’t actually be batting 9, but they could be anywhere from 3rd to 7th)

Tigers

Starters: Edwin Jackson (6-4, 2.39), Rick Porcello (8-4, 3.54), Armando Galarraga (3-7, 5.62)

Lineups:

1. Curtis Granderson, CF
2. Placido Polanco, 2B
3. Miguel Cabrera, 1B
4. Marcus Thames, DH
5. Don Kelly, LF (will Magglio Ordonez get un-benched?)
6. Brandon Inge, 3B
7. Josh Anderson, RF
8. Gerald Laird, C
9. Adam Everett, SS

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

The Chicago Cubs are sort of starting to heat up offensively (last night’s game against the Braves not withstanding – it was a makeup from a time when the Cubs weren’t hitting, so it makes sense). Derrek Lee is on fire – even his outs are hit very, very hard. And if I told you that Geovany Soto had an OPS over .950 in June, would you believe me? You should. Because he does. In your face.

I’m very interested to see phenom Rick Porcello, and very glad not to see former phenom and current stud Justin Verlander. Of course, getting a resurgent Edwin Jackson is no real consolation. The Tigers offense is great, so they will get their runs. It features another leadoff hitter who leads his team in homers, in Curtis Granderson. Of course, he actually sports an OBP that merits leadoff consideration. Alfonso Soriano currently sports an OBP that merits bench consideration.

Series She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about who would represent the Cubs this year. Given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs – oh, and the fact that she is a level of hot commensurate with the Chicago Cubs’ ability, I’ve chosen supermodel Marisa Miller. You’re welcome.

For the Detroit Tigers, I know, I know. You really want me to go with Aretha Franklin.

Or Eminem.

But I’m not going to do it. No worries, though, I will go with a musician. For you see, just as Detroit was once a great city, I’ll go with a woman who was once a hotty. That would be Madonna.

Before you go all Alex Rodriguez on me, I must apologize that we’re gonna go into the way back machine for these pictures – to a time when Madonna appealed to all men, not just creepy Yankees with old woman fetishes.

So who you got? Like a virgin, or like, probably not a virgin? White dresses all around.

Versus

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