Series Preview: Pirates v. Cubs, August 14 – August 16, 2009

The Chicago Cubs now welcome the Pittsburgh Pirates. If a series with the Pirates doesn’t cure what ails the Cubs, nothing will. Hmm. Seems I’ve tried that one before. A refresher on the series preview here at Bleacher Nation:

The idea is to hook you up with the bare minimum of what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of hot chicks, too.

We’re Going Streaking

The Cubs were just swept by the Philadelphia Phillies – in ugly fashion – after having lost three of four to the Rockies. Simply put: the Cubs have looked terrible, and have fallen four and a half back in the NL Central. But that was against winning teams. Hooray Pirates!

The Pirates are hugging the bottom of the NL Central, and are 1-9 in their last 10. Can you say cripple fight?

Game Times and Broadcasts

• Friday, August 14 at 1:20 CT on WGN.
• Saturday, August 15 at 12:05 CT on CSN.
• Sunday, August 16 at 1:20 CT on WGN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups are likely to be, well, wrong. But they’ll be close.

Cubs

Starters: Randy Wells (8-5, 3.01), Tom Gorzelanny (4-2, 6.23), Rich Harden (7-7, 4.30)

Lineup:

1. Fukudome, CF
2. Bradley, RF (DO IT LOU) Theriot, SS
3. Lee, 1B
4. Ramirez, 3B
5. Soriano, LF
6. Soto, C
7. Fontenot/Baker, 2B
8. Theriot, SS
9. Pitcher

Pirates

Starters: Charlie Morton (3-5, 3.81), Zach Duke (9-10, 3.40), Ross Ohlendorf (10-8, 4.30)

Lineups:

1. Andrew McCutchen, CF
2. Lastings Milledge, LF
3. Garrett Jones, RF (who?)
4. Ryan Doumit, C
5. Steve Pearce, 1B (who?)
6. Delwyn Young, 2B
7. Andy LaRoche, 3B
8. Ronny Cedeno, SS (holy crap, it’s that guy!)
9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

It’s hard to pinpoint a particularly effective Chicago Cub of late. I would recommend watching none of them. Just kidding, they’re playing the Pirates. They should all bounce back.

If I expected the pitching to play a critical role in this series, I’d say get excited to see Tom Gorzelanny and John Grabow face their old team. But I won’t ask of you what I wouldn’t ask of myself.

As for the Pirates, how can you not watch our old friend Ronny Cedeno? There are several other new faces to watch on the Pirates, and don’t sleep on Ross “Cy” Ohlendorf. He dominated the Cubs last time out, and has actually been streaking since then – the Pirates’ best pitcher in the last month.

Series She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about who would represent the Cubs this year. Given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs – oh, and the fact that she is a level of hot commensurate with the Chicago Cubs’ ability, I’ve chosen supermodel Marisa Miller. You’re welcome.

For the Pittsburgh Pirates, the choice was surprisingly easy. Not because Pittsburgh is hemmoraging hot chicks, rife for inclusion here.

No, it’s not the Pittsburgh part that made it easy. It’s the Pirate part. And when I think of hot pirate chicks, only one woman comes to mind: the beautiful Keira Knightley.

That makes this a pretty tough matchup for the Cubs – not unlike real life, where the current losing ways makes what would otherwise look like an easy series look nearly insurmountable. And with that word, we come full circle back to Keira Knightley and Marisa Miller.

So who you got in this series? Pretty tough one, I must say. We’ll go with a class, modely, sexy match up.

Versus