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Holy crap, it sparkles!

The Chicago Cubs now head on down to L.A. for a four-game tilt against the best team in the National League, the Dodgers. Isn’t it sweet that the Cubs’ get a home and home for four games against the Dodgers this year? A refresher on the series preview here at Bleacher Nation:

The idea is to hook you up with the bare minimum of what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of hot chicks, too.

We’re Going Streaking

Well, you know the story on the Cubs – lose, lose, lose, and lose some more. A horrific stretch has seen them fall from first place in the Central to six games out in just over a week. The Cubs managed just one win against the Padres, and it’s not as if a four game set against the Dodgers is going to be the salvo.

The Dodgers are probably in their worst stretch of the year, going 10-16 over the past month. It’s hard to believe, but the Giants and Rockies are now closer to the Dodgers in the West than the Cubs are to the Cardinals in the Central.

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Thursday, August 20 at 9:10 CT on WGN.
  • Friday, August 21 at 9:10 CT on CSN+.
  • Saturday, August 22 at 3:10 CT on FOX.
  • Sunday, August 23 at 3:10 CT on WGN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups are likely to be, well, wrong. But they’ll be close.

Cubs

Starters: Tom Gorzelanny (5-2, 5.24), Randy Wells (9-5, 3.01), Ted Lilly (9-7, 3.42), Ryan Dempster (6-7, 4.28)

Lineup:

  1. Fukudome, CF
  2. Bradley, RF
  3. Lee, 1B
  4. Ramirez, 3B
  5. Soriano, LF
  6. Soto, C
  7. Baker/Fontenot, 2B
  8. Theriot, SS
  9. Pitcher

Dodgers

Starters: Jeff Weaver (5-4, 3.71), Randy Wolf (7-6, 3.43), Charlie Haeger (0-1, 3.86), Chad Billingsley (12-6, 3.70)

Lineup (the Dodgers’ moves literally daily, so, yeah…):

  1. Rafael Furcal, SS
  2. Russell Martin, C
  3. Andre Ethier, RF
  4. Manny Ramirez, LF
  5. Casey Blake, 3B
  6. Matt Kemp, CF
  7. James Loney, 1B
  8. Orlando Hudson, 2B
  9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

Every Chicago Cub with a bat is going to need to step up in this series. The Cubs miss the Dodgers’ best starter, Clayton Kershaw, so they need to take advantage. Further, hopefully Ted Lilly’s excellent first start back from the DL was simply the first of many.

Good God the Dodgers have an absurd lineup. It reminds me, top to bottom, of how I felt about the Cubs’ lineup last year. There is not an easy out until you get to the pitcher – and mathematically, if everyone gets a hit but the pitcher, I think that may lead to some runs.

marisa miller loves the cubsSeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about who would represent the Cubs this year. Given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs – oh, and the fact that she is a level of hot commensurate with the Chicago Cubs’ ability, I’ve chosen supermodel Marisa Miller. You’re welcome.

For the Los Angeles Dodgers, this is easily the most difficult decision of the year. Some teams are kristin cavallari toplesshard because there are no attractive women associated with the team/city. For the Dodgers, it’s the exact opposite.

I would like you to name one attractive woman that does not have at least some connection to Los Angeles. Just one. Can’t do it. I promise.

So it’s all up to me. I’m going to start with a limiting factor: I’ll restrict this one to women who actually live in L.A., not just work there. Last time, I went with “reality” star Audrina Patridge.

Say what you will about the Hills (guilty pleasure, sigh…), but getting to stare at hot chicks in bikinis with your wife sitting right there, under the guise that you’re spending quality time together watching shows you both like… well, that’s just a damn good plan.

But we’re going to change it up this time – though sticking with the Hills theme. This time, we’ll go with the new star of the Hills. You remember her from Laguna Beach (you don’t? oh…), the very hot Kristin Cavallari.

kristin cavallari bikini

Versus

marisa miller beach

  • Cardfan

    We just took 5 of 7 from the “best team in the National League”, so they should be good and pissed for your visit…

    • Ace

      IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU! GRRR!

  • Cardfan

    I’m feelin’ it……truly…

    On a lighter note, the following article perfectly summarizes the Dodger’s fan base. It fails to provide direction on the standard practice of arriving in the third inning and leaving in the sixth, however it is quite telling otherwise. Can you imagine an article like this appearing in the Sun-Times?

    A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO BASEBALL
    by Chris Erskine, LA Times

    August 20, 2009

    Sadly, many folks still don’t understand the game of baseball well enough to appreciate our local teams’ fairy-tale seasons. So here’s the deal on this beautiful and occasionally arcane sport — a beginner’s guide to baseball:

    Baseball is a simple game with a million rules, all subject to the interpretation of four blind but very assertive people known as “umpires.” These umpires are usually assisted by 30,000 to 40,000 beery-eyed witnesses, all of whom are sure they saw the close play better — from a quarter of a mile away. They are blind too.

    One of the first things you notice is that the players often wear white, representing purity and innocence of spirit. This is one of many baseball traditions. White also shows the dirt best. To stay loose, the players scratch themselves a lot, but only when the TV camera is on them. No one knows why.

    A game begins with a group song, then a man goes to a little hill. His purpose is to throw the ball past an opposing player, from his little hill, sometimes called a “mound,” to the catcher, who takes a position behind home plate. So yes, technically, they are throwing the ball out of bounds with every single pitch.

    When a “batter” misses the ball three times, he is considered “out,” and it is baseball tradition for him to bark something rude to the vision-impaired (blind) person behind home plate. But not too rude. If you bark something too rude, you are asked to please leave, thank you very much. As you can tell already, baseball is a very passive-aggressive experience.

    Now, if a batted ball lands on or within the chalk lines, the batter runs counterclockwise in sequence to the four bases. Why you would want to run in a big circle, basically getting nowhere, is one of the glories of the game and is considered a template for life itself. First, second and third base are also popular euphemisms for sexual conquest, assuming you have such things in your life.

    As with romance, there are many ways to be called out in baseball. You can strike out, as mentioned earlier, or you can get tagged out. Various scenarios involve tagging second, third or home, providing that it’s a “force play” situation. In double plays, the shortstop doesn’t even need to have the ball when he swipes second base. He just needs to pretend.

    Are you with us so far? Good.

    When a team records three outs, all the fans get up and go to the snack bar for ridiculously overpriced food. In another baseball tradition, items that are supposed to be hot are cold (hot dogs), and items that are supposed to be cold are hot (beer).

    Fans will also use this time to stand in line at the restroom (which is free but probably not for long).

    By the time the fans return, it is often about the fifth inning. There is usually much circling of the bases by the batters about this time, which makes everyone happy, except the manager and the pitching coach, who are all the time going out to the mound to consult with the pitcher and to make sure he is not drunk or something.

    If the manager is unhappy, or the pitcher is drunk, the manager will motion for another pitcher to come in, someone who is worse than the one before.

    At that point, another new player trots in, usually from the farthest point possible from the pitching mound itself. They call this distant area “the bullpen.” The journey is basically like going from the Continental terminal for a connecting flight to the American terminal — except it takes longer.

    Even after the new pitcher finally arrives, the game cannot resume yet, for although he has been warming up, this new pitcher needs to warm up some more.

    No one knows why.

    After a long delay, the game begins again, and this new pitcher will often face only one or two batters before the manager will “yank” him for another pitcher, because the next batter is right-handed, and he doesn’t want his lefty to face a righty because batters see the ball better when it is thrown by someone of the opposite persuasion.

    Still with us? Amazing.

    In almost every game, there will be a big flare-up, a batter will be hit by a pitch or maybe a “balk” will be called. No one completely understands balks, except for three old-timers and they are all living in an assisted-care facility in Palm Springs. So whenever a balk is called, there is much discussion.

    Discussions such as this are frequent in baseball, and occasionally venomous. Anger is essential to the game of baseball and provides much of the visual entertainment. Anger is almost as important as eating, which provides the main action.

    Honestly, if you took away the food, no one would go to a baseball game at all.

  • al

    wow,,,im watching the game right now and boy o boy are the cubs pathetic…SUCK!!!! Im not even going to watch them again this year…nobody cares nobody hustles….lou’s boring me with his non chalent attitude and whats worse is that we got a bunch of ballplayers who cant wait until the end of the season so they can go golfing….KISS MY ASS you bunch of lazy overpaid bunch of bitches…go get a real job and try to make a living!!!

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