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The Chicago Cubs welcome the Colorado Rockies to Wrigley Field after dropping a series to the really awesome team from Pittsburgh. No, seriously. The Pirates are really good. They must be, right? A refresher on the series preview here at Bleacher Nation:

The idea is to hook you up with the bare minimum of what you need to know about every series this year streaks, lineups, game times, broadcast schedule, etc. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of hot chicks, too.

We’re Going Streaking

The Cubs are riding another supremely excellent winning streak of one. Unfortunately that means they dropped another series to the Pittsburgh Pirates, and they’ve lost nine of twelve. Which is not so awesome.

The Colorado Rockies just got finished slapping the Nationals around (you see, friends, some teams know how to beat crappy teams), and are a game over .500 on the year. But because the NL West – unlike the Central – does not suck, they’re buried near the bottom of the standings.

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Monday, May 17 at 1:20 CT on WGN
  • Tuesday, May 18 at 7:05 CT on CSN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups should be pretty close to the real deal.

Cubs

Starters: Randy Wells (3-2, 4.57), Carlos Silva (4-0, 3.40)

Lineup:

  1. Fukudome, RF
  2. Theriot, 2B
  3. Lee, 1B
  4. Byrd, CF
  5. Ramirez, 3B
  6. Soriano, LF
  7. Soto, C
  8. Castro, SS
  9. Pitcher

Rockies

Starters: Aaron Cook (1-3, 5.80), Jhoulys Chacin, (2-1, 2.66)

Lineups:

  1. Carlos Gonzalez, CF (Dexter Fowler will rotate in as well)
  2. Ryan Spilborghs, LF
  3. Brad Hawpe, RF
  4. Troy Tulowitzki, SS
  5. Todd Helton, 1B
  6. Miguel Olivo, C
  7. Ian Stewart, 3B
  8. Clint Barmes, 2B
  9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

Aramis Ramirez Suck Watch: Still sucking, but sucking slightly less. He had a couple of big hits in the Pirates series, but, then again, he had only a couple hits at all.

Randy Wells has had back-to-back crummy starts for, what seems like, the first time in his career. Starlin Castro had his first game without reaching base by way of a hit or a walk (he reached by error). Geovany Soto is coming back to earth in the batting average department – he’s all the way down to .301.

I’d like to say something good, but this is what you get when you lost nine of twelve games. Xavier Nady’s game winning hit was his first pinch hit in 10 tries. Does that qualify as a good thing?

We’ll see if the Pirates pitching was turning a corner, or if the Cubs are just miserable offensively against terrible pitching, when the Cubs face Aaron Cook. He’s got a 5.80 ERA on the year, and he has had an ERA near 10 on the road since last year. Just thank your pants that the Cubs don’t have to face Ubaldo Jimenez in this short series.

Carlos Gonzalez is riding a 10-game hitting streak for the Rockies, so they’ll find a way to get him in the lineup. Then again, the Cubs yanked Mike Fontenot from the lineup earlier this year when he was on an 11-game hitting streak, so you never know.

Ageless wonder Todd Helton is aging. He’s slugging just .291, but he still gets on base to the tune of a .371 OBP. Just throw him strikes, people.

marisa miller cubsSeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard (ha) about who would represent the Cubs this year. Given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs – oh, and the fact that she is a level of hot commensurate with the Chicago Cubs’ ability, I’ve chosen supermodel Marisa Miller. Again.

jessica biel nakedFor the the Colorado Rockies, the entendras abound, don’t they? Well, I’ve managed to avoid the temptation to simply post the grandest, um, rockies out there, and come up with a worthy opponent for the Cubs’ Marisa Miller.

Though the Rockies’ representative wasn’t born in Colorado, she did spend many of her formative years in the state when her family settled in Boulder. She is the beautiful, and probably really intelligent, Jessica Biel.

Given our readership, you probably loved her appearance as a stripper in the film, ‘Powder Blue.’ I have trouble picturing that movie as anything other than the kid from ‘Powder’ getting doused with Gatorade, staining his albino white skin blue. But that’s just me. You probably picture Jessica Biel’s naked boobs. You’re weird.

So who do you like in this matchup? I don’t know, Cubs fans. Rockies might take this series.

jessica biel dress

Versus

marisa miller white dress

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