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It’s series preview time again as the Chicago Cubs welcome some nondescript, totally forgettable NL Central team to Wrigley. The Robins, is it? The Ravens? A refresher on the series preview here at Bleacher Nation:

The idea is to hook you up with the bare minimum of what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of hot chicks, too.

We’re Going Streaking

Don’t look now (seriously, still don’t – so help me, if you jinx this…) but the Cubs have won eight of eleven, after taking two of three from a very, very good Dodgers team. The pitching in games one and three of the series was downright ridiculous.

So, that nondescript, totally forgettable NL Central team is the St. Louis Cardinals. Perhaps you’ve hate of them? My mistake. I mean turd of them. The Cardinals lead the aforementioned Central, but they’ve dropped nine of their last 16. It’s not much, but we cling to what we can.

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Friday, May 28 at 1:20 CT on WGN.
  • Saturday, May 29 at 3:10 CT on FOX.
  • Sunday, May 30 at 1:20 CT on CSN/TBS.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups should be pretty close to reality.

Cubs

Starters: Randy Wells (3-2, 3.99), Carlos Silva (6-0, 3.52), Ryan Dempster (3-4, 3.31)

Lineup:

  1. Fukudome, RF (my guess)
  2. Castro, SS
  3. Lee, 1B
  4. Soriano, LF
  5. Byrd, CF
  6. Soto, C
  7. Fontenot, 3B (as long as Ramirez and Baker are out)
  8. Theriot, 2B (my guess)
  9. Pitcher

Cardinals

Starters: Chris Carpenter (5-1, 3.09), TBA, TBA (Cards rotation is all jacked up due, in part, to Kyle Lohse’s recent injury – the odds are high that the Cubs will see Adam Wainwright in one of these two spots, but will probably miss Jaime Garcia)

Lineup:

  1. Brendan Ryan, SS (or Felipe Lopez)
  2. Ryan Ludwick, RF
  3. Albert Pujols, 1B
  4. Matt Holliday, LF
  5. David Freese, 3B
  6. Colby Rasmus, CF
  7. Yadier Molina, C
  8. Skip Schumaker, 2B
  9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

If I told you that the third highest batting average in the NL belonged to a member of the Cubs, would you believe me? Would you believe me if I told you that Cub was Alfonso Soriano? You should, because it is, and he is, with a .315 average. More impressive is his .991 OPS, which is good for second in the league, behind only Jayson Werth at .996. Soriano already has about half as many homers, RBI, doubles and walks as he did all of last year – but has fewer than 1/3 of the strikeouts.

Carlos Silva has won six straight decisions (ha! easiest stat to pump, given than he’s 6-0), but hasn’t look as sharp of late. Ryan Dempster, on the other hand, isn’t winning too many games where he doesn’t throw a shutout – but he’s looking sharp of late.

All of the recent Cardinal-related hubub has been centered on Albert Pujols’ reduced production in May. Outside of a bomb last night, he hasn’t done much in the way of power this month, and hadn’t driven in a run in a couple weeks (or something like that – when it comes to the Cardinals, I criticize first and ask questions later).

Brendan Ryan has been hot of late – he had four hits last night – but generally has been a disaster, making the Felipe Lopez signing all the more provident.

The big disappointment this year for the Cardinals has to be Matt Holliday. Despite an acceptable-ish .800 OPS, Holliday has hit just five homers and driven in just 19 runs – certainly not the production the Cardinals were hoping for when they re-signed Holliday to a 25 year, $800 million contract this off-season.

Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright are freaking good. What do you want me to say?

marisa miller cubsSeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about whether I should change things up this year, and offer a different representative for the Cubs this year, after a 2009 full of Marisa Miller. But then I realized Marisa Miller is still smoking hot.

So, given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs, and – like the Cubs – is still hot, just one year older, I’ve chosen to stick with supermodel Marisa Miller. You’re welcome.

megan fox boobsFor the Cardinals, it’s always a difficult decision in this segment. On the one hand, they’re good – thus, they deserve a beautiful representative. On the other hand, I hate them, and want them to lose – thus, they should be given a hogbeast.

We’re going to go with Megan Fox on this one. I know what you’re thinking – but Megan Fox is smoking hot, how can that help the Cubs?

Well, Megan Fox is a fair representative for the Cardinals because her breakthrough role was in Transformers, and Albert Pujols is known as the machine. Howeva, she was recently booted from that franchise, and will be replaced in Transformers 3. And it’s this kind of recent failure that I’m hoping will psychically link the Cardinals and Megan Fox. Boom. Knowledge’d.

Oh, and it means we get to look at sexy pictures of Megan Fox.

megan fox ass

Versus

marisa miller butt

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