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It’s series preview time again as the Chicago Cubs welcome some nondescript, totally forgettable NL Central team to Wrigley. The Robins, is it? The Ravens?

A refresher on the series preview here at Bleacher Nation:

The idea is to hook you up with the bare minimum of what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of beautiful women, too. So there’s that.

We’re Going Streaking

The Cubs just managed to drop two of three to the Astros, effectively nailing shut any hopes of competing this year. The team is now 3-6 against the Astros, and, together with the 3-9 season mark against the Pirates, we can officially say they suck.

The Cardinals, on the other hand, are 1.5 up in the Central, and have won eight of nine. They are also on the verge of acquiring Roy Oswalt, whom they totally need. Not. Remember when people used to end sentences with “not”?

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Friday, July 23 at 1:20 CT on WGN.
  • Saturday, July 24 at 12:05 CT on CSN.
  • Sunday, July 25 at 7:05 CT on ESPN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups should be pretty close to reality.

Cubs

Starters: Randy Wells (4-7, 4.33), Tom Gorzelanny (5-5, 3.12), Ryan Dempster (8-7, 3.70)

Lineup:

  1. Colvin, RF
  2. Castro, SS
  3. Lee, 1B
  4. Ramirez, 3B
  5. Byrd, CF
  6. Soriano, LF
  7. Soto, C
  8. Theriot, 2B
  9. Pitcher

Cardinals

Starters: Jeff Suppan (0-3, 4.20), Blake Hawksworth (4-5, 4.85), Chris Carpenter (11-3, 3.05)

Lineup:

  1. Felipe Lopez, 3B
  2. Colby Rasmus, CF
  3. Albert Pujols, 1B
  4. Matt Holliday, LF
  5. John Jay, RF
  6. Skip Schumaker, 2B
  7. Yadier Molina, C
  8. Pitcher
  9. Brendan Ryan, SS

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

Starlin Castro is on fire in July after a miserable June. He’s got a .359/.406/.563 line in July, and he’s very legitimately putting himself in the Rookie of the Year race (though he’ll undoubtedly lose out to a guy like Jason Heyward who (1) has considerably more hype and (2) plays for a first place team).

Randy Wells has finally turned it on – he’s got a 1.63 ERA in his last four starts, and he looks like the guy who tore up the league last year as a rookie.

Jon Jay, in addition to being a founding father (seriously, though, his parents clearly hated him, what with that name and all), has come out of nowhere to put up a 1.037 OPS in limited time for the Cardinals this year.

Abandon hope all ye who enter: Aaron freaking Miles and Jeff freaking Suppan are playing well as Cardinals. Voodoo freaking magic. Miles in particular is a kick in the crotch – after being ignominiously dumped by the Cubs in the offseason, and subsequently by the A’s and Reds, he’s caught back on with the Cardinals. He’s hitting .327 with a .358 OBP. And it makes babies cry.

marisa miller cubsSeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about whether I should change things up this year, and offer a different representative for the Cubs this year, after a 2009 full of Marisa Miller. But then I realized Marisa Miller is still smoking hot.

megan fox cleavageSo, given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs, and is still hot, just one year older, I’ve chosen to stick with supermodel Marisa Miller.

You’re welcome.

For the Cardinals, it’s always a difficult decision in this segment. On the one hand, they’re good – thus, they deserve a beautiful representative. On the other hand, I hate them, and want them to lose – thus, they should be given a hogbeast.

We’re going to go with Megan Fox on this one. I know what you’re thinking – but Megan Fox is smoking hot, how can that help the Cubs?

Well, Megan Fox is a fair representative for the Cardinals because her breakthrough role was in Transformers, and Albert Pujols is known as the machine. Howeva, she was recently booted from that franchise, and will be replaced in Transformers 3. And it’s this kind of recent failure that I’m hoping will psychically link the Cardinals and Megan Fox. Boom. Knowledge’d.

Oh, and it means we get to look at pictures of Megan Fox. Win, win.

megan fox butt

Versus

marisa miller curves

  • Cardfan

    Let me help you out for the next series. You don’t have to stretch as far as using the psycho headboard knocker Fox. You now have a legitimate contender. Check out the link – http://www.bustedcoverage.com/?p=31197

    Congrats on the impending departure of Lou. I really though that he would have just stepped aside and let someone take a trial run for the remainder of the year.

  • Jeff

    It’s too bad, I used to think she was pretty hot. Every time I see her from now on I will picture her in Cardinals gear and try not to puke at her hideousness.

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