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The Chicago Cubs take their wagons West to San Francisco to open a small-time tech start-up. They might also play some baseball while they’re out that way, but you probably needn’t concern yourself with that too much. Time for the Series Preview.

The idea is to hook you up with the bare minimum of what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of beautiful women, too.

We’re Going Streaking

What is there to say at this point? The Cubs have lost 10 of 11, after being swept by the division-leading Cincinnati Reds. At least the Cubs offered no comfort to the Cardinals, who are seeking to overtake the Reds.

The Giants just dropped three in a four game set with the Braves, but before that, they were sizzling, on an unbelievable 21-6 run. To put that in perspective, if the Cubs went 21-6 starting today, they’d be within 2 games of .500. Wow, the Cubs are bad.

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Monday, August 6 at 9:15 CT on CSN+.
  • Tuesday, August 7 at 9:15 CT on WGN.
  • Wednesday, August 8 at 9:15 CT on CSN.
  • Thursday, August 12 at 2:45 CT on WGN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups are likely to be pretty close to what actually gets fielded.

Cubs

Starters: Carlos Zambrano (3-6, 5.61), Ryan Dempster (9-8, 3.76), Tom Gorzelanny (6-6, 3.51), Randy Wells (5-10, 4.37)

Lineup:

  1. Colvin, RF
  2. Castro, SS
  3. Lee, 1B
  4. Ramirez, 3B
  5. Byrd, CF
  6. Soriano, LF
  7. Soto, C
  8. DeWitt, 2B
  9. Pitcher

Giants

Starters: Madison Bumgarner (4-4, 3.20), Tim Lincecum (11-5, 3.15), Barry Zito (8-6, 3.35), Matt Cain (9-9, 3.06)

Lineup (order changes around a bit):

  1. Andres Torres, CF
  2. Freddy Sanchez, 2B (might be permanently dropped in the order)
  3. Aubrey Huff, RF
  4. Buster Posey, C
  5. Juan Uribe, SS
  6. Pablo Sandoval, 3B
  7. Pat Burrell, LF
  8. Travis Ishikawa, 1B
  9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

You know the guy on the Cubs everyone will be watching: Koyie Hill.

Just kidding, it’s Carlos Zambrano, who returns to the rotation for the first time in a month and a half. He sports a 2.45 career ERA at AT&T Park, so returning in San Francisco may do Zambrano well. He’ll be on an 80 pitch count.

Tyler Colvin will be back in the lineup for the series after getting  a couple of days off this weekend. He’d been in a 2 for 21 slump going into Saturday’s game.

The Cubs face four excellent pitchers in this series, none of whom has an ERA over 3.35 on the season. That 3.35 belongs to formerly wayward lefty Barry Zito, who’s reclaimed his shit this year, and is pitching quite well. He’s pretty much the model for what Cubs fans hope Carlos Zambrano can do next year.

On the offensive side, you know who leads the Giants in the triple crown categories? Not Buster Posey, but only because he hasn’t played enough. Not Pablo Sandoval, but only because he’s kind of fat. No, it’s Aubrey freaking Huff, who’s reclaimed his career in San Francisco, and has a .304/.393/.538 line to go with 20 homers and 67 RBI.

marisa miller cubsSeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about whether I should change things up this year, and offer a different representative for the Cubs this year, after a 2009 full of Marisa Miller. But then I realized Marisa Miller is still smoking hot.

So, given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs, and – like the Cubs – is still hot, just one year older, I’ve chosen to stick with supermodel Marisa Miller.

alicia silverstone nakedYou’re welcome.

For the Giants, I was torn. On the one hand, I could go with someone from San Francisco. On the other, I could go with a giant. Finding that the world is disappointingly short on hot giants, I decided to go with the most beautiful woman from San Francisco I can think of.

If you’re like me, you remember her as that-incredibly-hot-chick-from-those-Arrowsmith-videos. Or maybe secretly from ‘Clueless.’ But you’d never admit that.

Yes, the representative for the San Francisco Giants is San Fran native, Alicia Silverstone. This one will be a red carpet match-up.

marisa miller model

Versus

alicia silverstone is hot

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