Series Preview: Cubs v. Cardinals, August 13 – 15, 2010

It’s series preview time again as the Chicago Cubs continue their road trip, and head to some town in Missouri to play some team or other. I think it might be a scrimmage. Like a pre-season football game. Hey, wait… is there football on?

A refresher on the series preview here at Bleacher Nation:

The idea is to hook you up with the bare minimum of what you need to know about every series this year. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of beautiful women, too. So there’s that.

We’re Going Streaking

The Cubs just lost three of four in San Francisco, and they lost a whole bunch before that. So, yeah. The Cubs ain’t too good right now. Or before right now. And probably after right now, too.

Apparently calling the Cardinals “little bitches” leads to them sweeping you, so here’s hoping the Cubs call them “large sex kittens.” The Cardinals left Cincinnati in first place, and if history tells us much, it’s that they aren’t likely to look back.

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Friday, August 13 at 7:15 CT on CSN.
  • Saturday, August 14 at 3:10 CT on FOX.
  • Sunday, August 15 at 1:15 CT on WGN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups should be pretty close to reality.

Cubs

Starters: Thomas Diamond (0-2, 8.00), Carlos Zambrano (3-6, 5.46), Ryan Dempster (10-8, 3.66)

Lineup:

  1. Colvin, RF
  2. Castro, SS
  3. Lee, 1B (supposed to be back)
  4. Ramirez, 3B (might be back)
  5. Byrd, CF
  6. Soriano, LF
  7. Soto, C
  8. DeWitt, 2B
  9. Pitcher

Cardinals

Starters: Jake Westbrook (0-0, 3.46), Chris Carpenter (13-3, 2.89), Kyle Lohse (1-4, 5.89)

Lineup:

  1. Felipe Lopez, 3B
  2. John Jay, RF
  3. Albert Pujols, 1B
  4. Matt Holliday, LF
  5. Colby Rasmus, CF
  6. Yadier Molina, C
  7. Skip Schumaker, 2B
  8. Pitcher
  9. Brendan Ryan, SS

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

Starlin Castro is a baby-faced beast. After a four-hit effort yesterday, his average is up to .320. He doesn’t yet have enough at bats to qualify for the batting title, but if he did, he’d be third in the league – a whopping 2 points behind leader, Carlos Gonzalez.

Speaking of batting average, although it’s not my favorite stat, it does tell you something. In this case, it tells you how bad the Cubs are: outside of Castro and Marlon Byrd (.310), no Cub is hitting better than .258. Yo.

With Carlos Silva working his way back from a minor heart procedure, Thomas Diamond’s days in the rotation are numbered. So far, he hasn’t shown much – in his first start, he struck out 10 Brewers, but gave up plenty of offense to go with it; and then in his second start, he was rocked to the tune of five runs in just three innings against the Reds.

We all know that the Cardinals have some tremendous pitching (second in the league in ERA) – quick, name a better one-two in baseball than Wainwright and Carpenter – but did you know that the Cardinal offense has the third best OBP in the league? I didn’t.

And for all the chatter about Matt Holliday’s poor season earlier this year, he’s found his way to a mighty good .307/.383/.533 line.

Shocker: Albert Pujols is good. He’s got a .478 average with four homers in his last seven games.

marisa miller cubsSeries She-View

And now the best part of the preview: if the teams were represented by beautiful women, who would they be, and what would the match up look like. I thought long and hard about whether I should change things up this year, and offer a different representative for the Cubs this year, after a 2009 full of Marisa Miller. But then I realized Marisa Miller is still smoking hot.

megan fox nakedSo, given the fact that she’s thrown out the first pitch, sung the Seventh Inning Stretch, probably likes the Cubs, and is still hot, just one year older, I’ve chosen to stick with supermodel Marisa Miller.

You’re welcome.

For the Cardinals, it’s always a difficult decision in this segment. On the one hand, they’re good – thus, they deserve a beautiful representative. On the other hand, I hate them, and want them to lose – thus, they should be given a hogbeast.

We’re going to go with Megan Fox on this one. I know what you’re thinking – but Megan Fox is smoking hot, how can that help the Cubs?

Well, Megan Fox is a fair representative for the Cardinals because her breakthrough role was in Transformers, and Albert Pujols is known as the machine. Howeva, she was recently booted from that franchise, and will be replaced in Transformers 3. And it’s this kind of recent failure that I’m hoping will psychically link the Cardinals and Megan Fox. Boom. Knowledge’d.

Oh, and it means we get to look at pictures of Megan Fox. Win, win.

megan fox sexy

Versus

marisa miller victoria secret bra

Brett Taylor is the editor and lead writer at Bleacher Nation, and can also be found as Bleacher Nation on Twitter and on Facebook.