We all know that the St. Louis Cardinals endeavored deep into the darkness of the Caribbean only to emerge after learning the secrets of the undead, the unholy, and the accursed. In other words, they acquired the mystical power of voodoo magic. Instead of harming those around them, Cardinal voodoo magic heals and strengthens even the crappiest of wash-up players upon entering St. Louis’s otherwise dingy borders.
But can they really expect the power to grant Ryan Theriot the ability to be a successful leadoff hitter again?
Cardinals GM John Mozeliak recently confirmed that, if the season started today, Ryan Theriot would lead off for St. Louis. Theriot sported a Koyie Hill-esque .321 OBP last year, and although he stole 20 bases, he was caught 9 times. And do I even need to mention that he may be the worst baserunner in all of baseball? Is that really the guy you want leading off and getting the most at bats on your team?
Truly, if Ryan Theriot succeeds as a leadoff hitter for the Cardinals, I will strongly encourage all readers to stock up on blessed scarves and dragon’s tears, because, at that point, Cardinal voodoo magic will have proved it knows no limits that are not also from the realm of fantasy.