We all know that the St. Louis Cardinals endeavored deep into the darkness of the Caribbean only to emerge after learning the secrets of the undead, the unholy, and the accursed. In other words, they acquired the mystical power of voodoo magic. Instead of harming those around them, Cardinal voodoo magic heals and strengthens even the crappiest of wash-up players upon entering St. Louis’s otherwise dingy borders.

But can they really expect the power to grant Ryan Theriot the ability to be a successful leadoff hitter again?

Cardinals GM John Mozeliak recently confirmed that, if the season started today, Ryan Theriot would lead off for St. Louis. Theriot sported a Koyie Hill-esque .321 OBP last year, and although he stole 20 bases, he was caught 9 times. And do I even need to mention that he may be the worst baserunner in all of baseball? Is that really the guy you want leading off and getting the most at bats on your team?

Truly, if Ryan Theriot succeeds as a leadoff hitter for the Cardinals, I will strongly encourage all readers to stock up on blessed scarves and dragon’s tears, because, at that point, Cardinal voodoo magic will have proved it knows no limits that are not also from the realm of fantasy.

  • KB

    A .321 OBP from Koyie Hill would be a dream season for him, a Brady Anderson year, Mantle in ’56, Bonds in 2001, the year Old Hoss Radbourn won 59 games. He’d be checked for steroids every 3 days.

  • art

    Castro should stay away from soriano to stay clean.

  • Cardfan

    As you begin to compile your notes for “Why the 2011 Cardinals will suck”, I am taking inventory of my defenses and weaponry. Kind of sucks. Not that I want to give “aid and comfort”, but I’m pissed and my thoughts are largely echoed in the following column. Thought you might enjoy the reading, as well…


    • Ace

      Thank you for that – it will help, particularly given the fact that this year’s set of why-they’ll-suck posts is going to be rather difficult.

      I still think the Cardinals are the team to beat in the Central this year.