Chicago Cubs 2016 NL Central Championship Gear

Facial hair can be a wonderful thing – if done correctly.

Done incorrectly, facial hair can be a flashpoint for ridicule, generating joke after barb after insult, until my wife’s voice is sore.

And three guys doing it incorrectly? National League closers Ryan Franklin, Brian Wilson, and John Axford. The only question, aside from wondering whether they own mirrors, is which one is worst? For your consideration:

Ryan Franklin

Clearly Wants to Be: The Devil.

Instead, Looks Like: The untamed she-mane of a 1970s porn queen.

Statement His Facial Hair Makes: “I’m really into the Three Billy Goats Gruff. I want to be the second one.”


Brian Wilson

Clearly Wants to Be: Blackbeard the Pirate.

Instead, Looks Like: Crazy Douche… the Pirate.

Statement His Facial Hair Makes: “If I’m willing to dye my beard, you know there’s nothing I won’t dye. Nothing.”


John Axford

Clearly Wants to Be: Rollie Fingers.

Instead, Looks Like: A small-town florist named Pierre.

Statement His Facial Hair Makes: “Arbitration raises are for mustache wax.”


But the thing that really pushes these guys over the edge, you know, from guy on the street you make fun of to full-on tinted van dweller? They could all look completely normal.

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