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Ah, the Cardinals. The St. freaking Louis Cardinals. Just what the Cubs need as they’re coming off a series against another top team in the Central; a series that they Cubs had no business winning but totally should have won. Though, I suppose if there’s a team against whom we’d all love to see the Cubs break out, it’s the Cardinals. It’s just that, well, the Cardinals are damn good this year.

By way of reminder, the Series Preview hooks you up with what you need to know about every series this year – streaks, broadcast information, pitchers, lineups, etc. That way you can look like a genius, hardcore fan in front of all your friends, with minimum effort. Oh, and there will be pictures of beautiful women, too.

 

We’re Going Streaking

The Cubs lost two of three to the Reds, after taking two of three from the Dodgers. They’re four back of the Cardinals in the Central, and three games under .500.

The Cardinals sit atop the Central like douchey royalty. They’re five games over .500, and haven’t lost a series since the second week of April. Grumble.

Game Times and Broadcasts

  • Tuesday, May 10 at 7:05 CT on WGN, MLBN.
  • Wednesday, May 11 at 7:05 CT on CSN, ESPN.
  • Thursday, May 12 at 1:20 CT on CSN.

Expected Starters and Lineups

These lineups should be pretty close to reality.

Cubs

Starters: Carlos Zambrano (4-1, 4.23), Matt Garza (1-4, 4.43), Casey Coleman (1-2, 6.29)

Lineup:

  1. Fukudome, RF
  2. Castro, SS
  3. Byrd, CF
  4. Ramirez, 3B
  5. Pena, 1B
  6. Soriano, LF
  7. Soto, C
  8. Barney, 2B (this is a guess based on the movement of Castro)
  9. Pitcher

Cardinals

Starters: Chris Carpenter (0-2, 4.19), Jake Westbrook (2-, 6.14), Jaime Garcia (4-0, 1.99)

Lineup:

  1. Ryan Theriot, SS
  2. Colby Rasmus, CF
  3. Albert Pujols, 1B
  4. Matt Holliday, LF
  5. Lance Berkman, RF
  6. Yadier Molina, C
  7. Nick Punto, 3B
  8. Tyler Greene, 2B
  9. Pitcher

Hot or Not and Whom to Watch

The demise of Starlin Castro has not be exaggerated. He’s just 7 for his last 51, with one extra base hit. It’s ugly, folks, but this is the process.

Marlon Byrd has turned it on a bit of late, and quietly has a 10 game hitting streak going. Carlos Pena has his OPS up to .641, which, if you’ve been following his season, is quite an accomplishment. He also leads the league in warning track shots that make me punch the wall.

Jeff Samardzija is working on a 14 inning scoreless streak, the first half of which was smoke and mirrors, but the second half of which has been actual good pitching.

The bullpen on a whole hasn’t given up a run in 22.1 innings… which, now, of course means that they’ll blow a game in this series because I opened my stupid mouth.

On the Cardinal side of things, people will tell you that Chris Carpenter is off to a slow start. I will not tell you that, however, as there’s no doubt in my mind that will take the Cubs behind the woodshed. Until some hiccups in his last few starts, Carpenter had a career ERA against the Cubs under three. Jaime Garcia, now the other Cardinal ace, has not been off to a slow start. But he still has a misspelled girl’s name.

Matt Holliday leads the NL in batting average at .398. Second place? Lance Berkman at .374. That’s right, the two top-hitting players in the National League are both on the Cardinals, and neither one is Albert Pujols.

Series She-View

The Series She-View is one beautiful woman representing the Cubs taking on another (usually) beautiful woman representing the opponent. The Cubs’ representative will change as the team’s needs change – in other words, if the Cubs are winning, the rep will stay the same. But if the Cubs’ performance calls for a change, someone new will step in. The opponent’s representative will change from series to series, at my whim. But at least she’ll probably be wearing the opponent’s colors or something like that.

The Chicago Cubs were represented in the Series She-View by Sofia Vergara, but, after a frustrating series loss to the Reds, I’m going in a different direction for this one.

A very different direction. Thanks to a reader comment, this series, the Chicago Cubs will be represented by a Chipotle Burrito. Think that’s weird? Don’t like it? Too bad. They’re delicious, sexy, and I make the rules. Oh, and it’s even topless.

As for the Cardinals, they can have Sarah Jessica Parker. I will leave the “why” to your imagination.

chipotle burritoVersus

sarah jessica parker couch

 

  • http://twitter.com/thomaswconroy TWC

    You picked a horse-face for the Cardinals representative because of the Clydesdales that mow the outfield grass at Busch Stadium?

  • Michigan Goat
  • Michigan Goat

    But this concerns me for us… Or maybe it simply summarizes how we feel

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvIv77oQUng&feature=youtube_gdata_player

  • http://www.neverbesocial.com neverbesocial

    Jaime Garcia’s name is pronounced ‘Hi-meh’. The J is silent and that’s why the i is where it is. My brother spelled his name that way.

    Don’t you have any Mexican friends Ace? :)

    • Ace

      Yo sé.

  • Raymond Robert Koenig

    Sarah Jessica Parker is the best you could do? It IS going to be a long season. I’m telling you, try Nikki Cox.

    • Kenny L.

      She’s representing the Cardinals, and I think Ace is making a joke.

  • Cardfan

    Cudos on the strategery…”Fear the burrito”… you may be onto something.

    Be warned, though – the Dominican comes alive this week…

  • TSB

    The Cub will win 2 out of 3. Do I believe it? no, but it sounds good to say.

  • Joe

    lol, right on Ace.

    It might not work as well as using a Goat*, but hopefully it throws the baseball-gods off enough to put us on a nice winning streak for a while

    *Although, you know, with the Cards being represented by a Horse, the Goat would have fit this theme a little better…

  • http://calebshreves.blogspot.com Caleb

    “He also leads the league in warning track shots that make me punch the wall.” Yup. Your new name is “Ace Allen Poe.”

    Also, while I was disheartened that my Sofia didn’t do us any better, and I was excited about the prospects of TWO chicks at the same time, I can’t be bitter about a burrito. A delicious, queso-filled burrito.

    Who knows- maybe after we sweep this series we’ll realize that our problems were not untimely hitting, or f’ed up pitching, but a serious burrito deficit!

    Go Cubs!

    • Jim

      Chipotle doesn’t have queso. Qdoba does. With that said, Chipotle>Qdoba.

  • Dave

    I was promised pictures of beautiful women. I do not see these pictures and am disappointed.

    Also, no TLR for the first game due to pinkeye. Haha!

  • Raymond Robert Koenig

    Now LaRussa’s been diagnosed with shingles. Notice how a lot of members of the Cards come down with unusual injuries and illnesses? I wonder what the common denominator might be.

    • Dan0mite

      Low rent hookers?

      • TWC

        ::snort::

  • deej34

    I’m watching on gamecast.. what happened to soto? Cuz I KNOW putting hill in was NOT an offensively minded move!!

    • Ace

      Left groin strain. Ugh…

  • Serio

    Koyie Hill!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK

    That’s it I’m done. This is my last post on Bleacher Natino

    • deej

      Fucking Hill!!! Isn’t he our “defensive” catcher?!?!

    • Hogie

      Will you still post on Bleacher Nation?

  • TC

    KOYIE HILL! YOUR ONLY JOB AS THE BACKUP CATCHER IS TO AT LEAST CATCH THE BALL WHEN ITS THROWN RIGHT TO YOU!

    honestly, I’m screaming at my tv right now. I have been completely incapable of calming myself down.

    oh, and you can add “cost me $50 in noise fines at my dorm due to the outburst his shitty defense induced in me” to the list of egregious wrongs Koyie Hill has committed for which he deserves to be cut from the team

    • greg

      God damn it that was so mind-blowingly bad

    • TWC

      Noise fines in your dorm? Jeez, things have changed since I was in school…. How does one do a beer bong quietly?

      • TC

        to be fair, it is finals week, and this is the only time I’ve had trouble with this, but still….and you don’t really do beer bongs quietly, you just hope the RA’s in the mood to drink with the people in your room

  • Serio

    /Users/seriokilla34/Pictures/iPhoto Library/Masters/2011/05/10/20110510-211804/Chicago cubs wrigley field hot babes gils fans boobs baseball hottest motivatinal posters online inspirational (4)-1.jpg

  • Cardfan

    The burrito lacks power – may want to add some spicy salsa.

    The Dominican stirs…

    • Cardfan

      WRONG DOMINICAN…damn

  • Ace

    “The bullpen on a whole hasn’t given up a run in 22.1 innings… which, now, of course means that they’ll blow a game in this series because I opened my stupid mouth.”

    Sorry about that.

    • http://calebshreves.blogspot.com Caleb

      Thought about that last night. Don’t beat yourself up.

  • Jeff

    I have to say, the food representative is off to a horrible start. Back to women please.

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