And there was the time I was covered in paint.

I did a lot of stupid stuff in college.

There was the time I had 19 drinks in a three-hour span on Spring Break (not proud of that). And the time a group of us stole a stretch of road hazard fencing and wrapped up one of our friends in his bed while he was sleeping (kind of proud of that). I once got in a fight with a guy twice my size, and then spent the better part of an hour crying – not because he’d kicked my ass (he had), but because I lost my earring. (Yes, I had an earring in college. And bleached blond hair. With too much gel. If I wore shirts with collars at the time, I’m sure I would have popped them. You’re getting the picture of a guy who would cry about losing an earring.) Then there was the time I peed on the wall outside the police station. Lord.

That’s not to say my experience was altogether different from most, but sometimes I look back in wonder that I wasn’t seriously hurt, sick, or arrested (more than once, that is). Such is the life of a 20-year-old without a job, kids, or a wife with which to concern himself. I knew a lot of guys like me.

I did the intramural sports thing. I did the bar thing. I did the frat thing. I met a pretty girl. I made lifelong friends. I changed. Oh, and I took in a class or two while I was there.

In other words, while I loved that time in my life, even the shenanigans, I’m fairly certain my college experience was relatively standard. And that includes the headspace one takes on in his first time away from home, living on his own. I repeatedly lived into a common belief of young men like me, which leads us to do the ridiculous, embarrassing, and unsafe things that we do:

I was invincible.

I was a pumpkin for Halloween. I'm funny.

I had the luxury of not thinking about my “future,” which was, at best, a tiny dot on the horizon. Ten minutes was too far in front of me to see, let alone ten years.

Invincibility contemplates not only a belief that nothing bad will ever happen to you, but also a belief that you’ve got all the time in the world for everything good to happen to you. It is intoxicating, and, in the bubble of college, very easy.

It is also, of course, completely false.

I was between my junior and senior years in 2003 when I ended up staying at college for the Summer, working three days a week doing clerical tasks in the physics department, and doing a whole lot of “hanging out.” My college, Miami University, lives in one of those profoundly remote towns (Oxford, Ohio) that absolutely shuts down when school breaks for the Summer. So, “hanging out” (those air quotes necessarily include “drinking” and “doing a great many of the stupid things referenced at the outset of this article”) is pretty much all you’ve got. When my arduous five-hour work day would let up, I would rush back to the frat house to hang with the handful of friends who also stuck around that Summer, to play absurd amounts of ping pong (just try me: I will dominate you), and, of course, to watch baseball.

It was in college that my Chicago Cubs fandom went from “sincere” to “obsessed”; I suspect that the 2003 season did that to a lot of people around my age. I’d always followed the Cubs as closely as I could on TV, and reviewed the box scores in the paper the next morning. But, with an increasing wealth of Cubs-related content on the Internet, I was able to fill a much larger chunk of my day thinking about, reading about, dreaming about, and talking about the Cubs.

I sought out rumor sites, message boards, blogs (most were barely out of the womb in those days), and quickly learned how little I actually knew about the team that I claimed to love and follow. The extent to which my knowledge of the game of baseball, together with my passion for the Cubs, grew in 2003 cannot be understated.

That the Cubs turned out to be a surprisingly competitive team that year probably accelerated that process.

There’s no better way to surprise in a given baseball season than to have young pitching step up, and, naturally, the 2003 Cubs had it. Mark Prior and Carlos Zambrano were my age, and Kerry Wood wasn’t much older. Each wound up throwing over 210 innings with ERAs 3.20 or lower. That’ll win you some games.

Almost every player on that year’s team outperformed preseason expectations, and the team as a whole, therefore, dramatically outperformed them. When then-GM Jim Hendry added Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton mid-season (the kind of trade which was preceded by the kind of rumors that I so desperately learned to search out that year online), it felt like this was really a team that could do something. Like I said: optimism came easy to a young man with all the time in the world for everything good to happen to him.

So, you’ll excuse me for believing, when the Cubs faced the Marlins in the NLCS after taking down the mighty Braves, that “this was the year.”

It wasn’t.

I remember the feeling as I watched Moises Alou screaming, slapping his glove, and stomping around in Game Six. I’m not unique – too many of us were feeling the same thing. Indeed, looking back, I believe now that Alou was feeling it, too: the series was slipping away. And it all started with a foul ball.

It was a completely irrational reaction (of course, as Cubs fans, we may be more prone to acts of irrationality than any other fan base) to feel – to know – that the Marlins were about to stage a comeback. It was just a foul ball. The Cubs still led the game and the series. Mark Prior was still on the mound. But when Alex Gonzalez booted a tailor-made double-play ball, the presence of God looming over us with a magnifying glass under a hot sun was too palpable to chalk up to irrationality. At Wrigley, the Lord only taketh away.

One of my fraternity brothers came in to my room soon after the 8th inning ended to ask if I’d “just seen that,” as if he didn’t know that I was certain already to be fuming and saying things like “of f**king course.” I think the look I gave him communicated everything he needed to know about what I’d seen. Well, the look, and the littered remains of my remote control splayed on the floor to his right.

There remained the formality of Game Seven, but, for all intents and purposes, the series was over. I got drunk, and started talking about next year in a completely non-ironic way.

Was I sad about the unfortunate end to the 2003 season? Sure. Disappointed? Sure. But I was convinced there would be plenty of chances for this roster. Prior? Wood? Zambrano? I would put those three against any front three in baseball. Sammy was no spring chicken, but, like, he was Sammy. Aramis Ramirez was just 25, and Corey Patterson was just 24. Over the next few years, they were sure to get a handful of cracks in the playoffs. All good things come to those who wait. I was certain there was plenty of time.

As it turned out, at least as far as the next decade was concerned, there wasn’t.

The guy desperate for attention in the upper right? Yo.

This, of course, is one of the beautiful and fictional underlying assumptions of college and of youth: there is plenty of time.

Youth – and, perhaps, particularly time in college – is better spent under the misapprehension of invincibility. Would college really have been as fulfilling if every decision was safely guarded by thoughts of the future? Sure, I wouldn’t have had to explain certain indiscretions on my Bar Exam application, but maybe I wouldn’t have ended up sitting for that exam in the first place (and, incidentally, I can say with confidence that, if my mind were wholly preoccupied with “security” and “the future,” I probably wouldn’t now be writing meandering musings vaguely related to baseball for a “job”).

None of this is to say that recognizing the folly of invincibility – or suffering through the times that make that folly clear – is a bad thing. College, like so many short experiences, is made wonderful only by virtue of its fleeting nature.

Don’t believe me? I can prove it with a Cubs allusion. Just imagine the Cubs finally winning it all in 2012. Put yourself in that place. Feels pretty amazing, right? Now imagine that the Cubs had won every single World Series since 1908. Sure, it would have made the last 100 (and three) years far more tolerable, but how special and enjoyable would that 2012 championship really be? Think Yankee fans have any idea how good it’s going to feel for us when the Cubs finally win it all? This inherent contrast in the experience of life (without the low, the high isn’t as high; the fruit doesn’t taste as sweet until you’ve chewed on sand, and all that) is something I could only appreciate having experienced the relative shortness that was college, but is something I never could have fully appreciated while in college – no matter how many times grizzled vets might have tried to explain it to me. Youth isn’t wasted on the young; it simply isn’t meant for the aged.

In other words, I couldn’t have appreciated the brightest moments in my life until I’d experienced, and rejected, invincibility. Until I’d embraced the knowledge that my time, like yours, is fleeting. Until I’d recognized the value in discarding youthful assumptions. Until I’d aimed, at all times, to be present. Until I’d seen that ball glance off Steve Bartman’s hands.

The Earth turns beneath our feet, indifferent to our weight.

* * *

* * *

My dad died in his early 40s when I was 11.

Dad was a pitcher, upon whom life thrust circumstances that scuttled his baseball dreams before they began. The Detroit Tigers scouted him in high school, and it was easy to understand why. Dad was a big, strong athlete – 6’2”, 220lbs – with a great deal of talent, and a heck of a strong arm, to boot. (Unfortunately, I took after Mom’s side of the family (indeed, her father was a long-time sportswriter), and, at 5’8” and 150lbs, I never had a choice but to shoot for “scrappy.”) But, the responsibilities and requirements of a “normal” life called, and Dad satisfied his passion for baseball by teaching his sons the game, and coaching their little league teams.

Dad was an Orioles fan – I suppose, as a talented, lefty hurler in his high school days, the tremendous pitching staffs of the late 1960s/early 1970s Orioles appealed to him. But he never begrudged my Cubs fandom, which developed, as it did for many my age, over a daily ritual of racing home from school to catch afternoon baseball on WGN. I can only assume that, if he’d had more time, he would have come to love the Cubs like I do. I would have made sure of it.

Until recently, I always viewed his passing through the lens of a kid who grew up without his father. When I made the baseball team in high school, he wasn’t there to watch me play. When I married my wife, he wasn’t there to dance at our wedding. When I graduated from law school, he wasn’t there to shake my hand.

But now, I find myself thinking about his death through his eyes. Can you imagine dying in the prime of life, leaving behind a wife and young children? I choke myself up thinking about how difficult that must have been for him, not for me. He died knowing that, when I made the baseball team, he wouldn’t be there. He died knowing that, when my brother got married, he wouldn’t be there. He died knowing that he’d never meet the daughter he never even knew I had.

I turned 30 in November.

That’s certainly not “old,” but neither do I feel particularly young. Turning 30 shouldn’t have a great impact on my life – I’m fundamentally no different today than the day before I turned 30. It’s just that, the older you get, the more acutely you perceive the reality that time moves constantly, and in one direction.

And you find yourself thinking about all the things “they” say you think about at milestone ages. Have I done the right things? Am I where I’m supposed to be? Would my father be proud? If, too, die at 42, will I have done enough with my life? Do I have enough time to do those things that, in college, I thought I’d have forever to do?

I’ve got a beautiful, healthy daughter, and a warm, supportive wife. And I am, for the moment, doing my dream job. The first two, alone, give me a feeling in my belly that I’m doing all right in this life. The third is just gravy.

Still, for all those rational reminders from my conscious mind, I’m wont to think about my life. To think about important moments. To think about what those moments mean. To think about how they’ve shaped me.

Cliché city.

(On clichés: the older you get, the more you realize that clichés become clichés for a reason. We’ve got a lot in common, you and me – but, for some reason, folks throw around a buzz word to make us feel silly for wanting to share our connection.)

So, when I think about the heavy things we all ponder at these milestone ages, I’m reminded of that day eight and a half years ago. Game Six. Steve Bartman. Yes, that’s something I think about.

I know what that moment means to me as a Cubs fan. But what does it mean to me as a person? As a guy making his way through a life he hopes has meaning? As a guy wondering when his time will be up on this orb?

Obviously Steve didn’t reach for that foul ball in order to shape the contours of my life. But what if that moment, that reflex – that butterfly’s wings – shaped me nevertheless? Am I now where I would have been anyway if Steve had kept his hands in his pockets, Moises had caught the ball, the Cubs had won the NLCS, and then the Cubs had won the World Series?

Would I have done as much with the last eight and a half years? Would I have still thought myself invincible? How long might it have taken me to more fully appreciate that moments of true joy are both infrequent and earned? Am I … better for what happened?

I wonder what Dad would have thought about that game.

I can hear your thoughts. Don’t be so maudlin, you think. It’s just “sports.” There are greater tragedies in life.

And, there’s something to be said for the idea that many of us search for deeper meaning in the foibles of sports and fandom, when, sometimes, it’s just a game. But, here’s the thing: whatever deeper meaning I may or may not find in my ruminations about Bartman and the Cubs, I do know that being a loyal, heartfelt fan of a franchise like the Chicago Cubs says more about me than being an attorney ever did. So, there’s that.

I think it’s fair to wonder about the connection between Bartman’s hands and my life. To seek out the profound. To attach significance to things otherwise not grand – or to things not otherwise personally happening to me. That moment had an impact on my life. It had to.

And I think it’s fair to tie my fandom to my own mortality. It may seem, to some, grotesque to talk about my father’s death in the same breath as disappointment over Cubs playoff failures. I could see that. To me, it is grotesque to think that Dad – like thousands before and after him – lived and died without ever seeing the Cubs win it all.

It also seems quite natural to tie the deeper questions to the very moment we Cubs fans came so close to finally seeing something we’re desperate (dying?) to see. There are two hourglasses counting down for each of us: one marks the time we’ve got left, and one marks the time until the Cubs win it all. I hope the upper chamber of the former is more full of sand than the latter.

Cubs fandom and mortality are inextricably linked. And, each additional year the Cubs fail, I am reminded:

I am not invincible. I am not immortal. My time is limited.

* * *

* * *

‘Catching Hell’ was nominated for a Sports Emmy a couple weeks ago, and it could take home the award at the end of this month. Fitting that a film chronicling some of our lowest moments as Chicago Cubs fans might, itself, win the television documentary equivalent of a World Series title.

In case you didn’t know, and aren’t interested in sparing yourself the pain, ‘Catching Hell’ is a documentary by Oscar-winning director Alex Gibney (a Red Sox fan), focusing on Game Six of the 2003 NLCS, on the foul ball deflected by Steve Bartman, on the Bill Buckner error in Game Six of the 1986 World Series, and on the nature of scapegoating.

The film is enjoyable in a completely masochistic sense. There are genuine high points: Wayne Drehs self-consciously recounting the unenviable job of finding Steve Bartman a couple years after the 2003 NLCS. Matt Liston reacting live to each moment during Game Six. Eric Karros talking about that year with the Cubs. Watching the first seven innings of Game Six. The analysis of, and interviews with, the other folks who could have been “Bartman” if their arms had been just a bit longer, or seats just a bit closer.

And, as is the point: you leave the doc feeling pretty crummy about what happened to the man, himself. To Steve Bartman, fellow human being. Whatever he did or didn’t do – whatever cosmic effect he did or didn’t have – he was just a 26-year-old guy who loved the Cubs. In an instant, his life changed profoundly, forever, and for the worse. What must he have been thinking in that moment? The minutes after as the significance of what he’d done sank in, as the chants of “asshole” filled Wrigley Field, as the first thrown beer hit him in the face? How about the years after as he started living a new life?

I wonder if Steve ever thought he was invincible.

Even after eight and a half years, I’m still not sure how I feel about the whole thing.

The truth is, people are just people. Should Steve have kept his hands to himself? Should Cubs fans in the area have kept their horrible words to themselves? Sure and sure. But am I certain that I wouldn’t have reached? Wouldn’t have cursed at him? I’m not. I’m just people, too.

The documentary spends an inordinate amount of time on Bill Buckner and the 1986 Red Sox, which, perhaps because of how the last 10 years have unfolded, rubbed me the wrong way. It draws a heavy-handed parallel between Buckner and Bartman, which isn’t particularly apt. Outside of the superficial similarities – curses, Game Sixes, scapegoats – it’s hard to make a comparison between, on the one hand, a foul ball touched by a fan that may or may not have been one of 27 outs along the way to part of an NLCS win and, on the other hand, an easy ground ball that leads to an error and a World Series loss.

The Alex Gonzalez error probably would have been the better analog, and even that wasn’t all that close. The Cubs weren’t an out away from “ending the curse,” they were five outs and an entire series away. And the “story” wasn’t Gonzalez. It was Bartman.

Lost in the overwrought Red Sox/Cubs parallels was a far more notable connection. That the Red Sox finally won the World Series, one year after the Cubs lost in the NLCS, was, perhaps, the single greatest cosmic middle finger to Cubs fans that I can remember. Well, at least until the White Sox – who hadn’t won a World Series since 1917 – won the World Series the very next year.

While there were some things to like about the doc, for the most part, it just left me depressed about the 2003 season. That was such an unexpected, magical run, and I miss that feeling. Now I remember: 2003 was when it was supposed to happen. The film recreated those joys just long enough to leave me appropriately miserable when Bartman reached.

Miserable, and angry. Still angry.

Not just at Bartman, mind you. There was Alex Gonzalez, as discussed. And Mark Prior. And Kyle Farnsworth. And Derrek Lee (back when he was “the enemy” – how quickly we forgave him, eh?). And Bernie Mac singing “the champs.” And, of course, Dusty Baker, not only for stubbornly refusing to remove Prior as he fell apart before our eyes, but also for leaving Prior in to throw an unthinkable 116 pitches in Game 2, which the Cubs were winning 11-0 through five innings.

My misery probably only deepens with each passing year, bringing with it more unfair anger. If I didn’t keep reminding myself about Steve Bartman, the person, I’d probably be over moon with anger at Steve Bartman, the concept.

I’ve watched ‘Catching Hell’ three times on my DVR for the purposes of writing this article. At the end of having my heart torn open for a fourth time (once live, and thrice re-lived), I did what any sensible Chicago Cubs fan would do.

I bought a copy of the damn thing on Amazon.

* * *

* * *

I suppose in some ways, I should thank Mr. Bartman. As a foolish young man, largely ignorant of the briefness and finality of time, I came perilously close to realizing a dream I hadn’t yet dreamed. With Steve’s help, that dream was deferred until a day when, now, I can celebrate it completely, as one tasting his first drink of water after a month in the desert.

At least now I’ll appreciate it when the Cubs finally win the World Series.

You know, if it, like, happens. Ever.

I would love to be able to end this in its logical place of conclusion – a nicely wrapped box where I say that I’ve forgiven Steve Bartman, I’ve learned not to assume I’ll see the Cubs win it all, and I’m ready to take on my 30s.

But I can’t. It wouldn’t be real. It sounds like something I would have written in college. The truth is my feelings about Bartman remain mixed. My heart secretly tells me the Cubs will definitely, eventually win the World Series. And I’m already terrified of turning 40.

So much for growth. So much for the profound.

Instead, I’ll simply live my life. I’ll go pick up my daughter from daycare and hug my wife when she gets home from work. I’ll sit down at my computer and keep writing about the Chicago Cubs, believing in my heart that, someday, we’ll go all the way.


  • ichabod

    i talk alot of baseball with alot of folks, not all cubs fans. most say im a very different kindd of cubs fan because i talk ball not simply cubs. i come here and read your articles and others posts and i dont feel any different. we all have the same dream for our beloved team and all know a promising future awaits. the only thing i hate about being a cubs fan, and i mean the only thing, is the we all have handled the bartman situation. it annoys me to the core to hear the comms made towards him. you all would have reached for that damned baseball. every last one of you. look at him and how could you be mad at him, he is us. at game six pimping his cubs hat listening presumably to pat an ron or whoever wgn had at the time. thats an innocent cubs fan. hes not committed any crime against humanity. he is simply or WAS simply a fan of our team. and we should be ashamed.

    • Brett

      Thanks for the thoughts, ichabod.

    • Matthew

      Yes but if that were you in that situation you would not blame yourself for the Cubs losing? Because by your logic, you would not be one to blame. Obviously it is unfair for the amount of blame he gets but life is unfair, he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and he took the fall for it. The Cubs have tried to get him to come back to Wrigley and try to forget the past but he continues to refuse, so the emotions we feel today are on him. We want to move on and look past it but until Bartman faces Cubs fans he will forever be the scapegoat.

  • hardtop

    Wow, Brett.  I have a great deal of respect for you and an immense love for your insight, analysis, and humor, but it’s probably a good thing we didn’t know each other in college.   For one, that would mean it took me 9 years to get through college (I graduated high school in 1994): that would just be sad.  For another, one of the many stupid things I did in college was instigate fights with bleach blond frat boys who were potential collar poppers: which was, in hindsight, really, really sad.    I wonder how many frat kids I leveled that were Cubs fans? Probably a lot, as I went to school in Iowa.  If I had just taken a minute to see past their Ralph Lauren façade, and engaged them in discussion, I might have learned that we shared something in common (other than earrings, though I wore 2 and both were quite un-cry-worthy).  A love for the Cubs unites all.

    Even though I’m poking fun, I really appreciate the personal nature of this piece.  Kind of risky, but I think that makes for the most enjoyable reading experiences.

    One of the wonderful things about growing older is that it enlightens you to how trivial past differences really are.  Even though I was Bizzaro Brett in college, I would expect us to get along famously now.  I’m Looking forward to shaking your hand and sharing a beer this summer at the Friendly Confines.

    (We won’t actually be sipping from the same malted beverage, I’ll buy you one of your own, as long as you’re drinking old style, otherwise you’re buying, capiche)

    • Brett

      Thanks for that, hard, and I agree with your conclusion. I should point out that I was totally a poser (which probably makes it worse). I may have had the bleached blond hair, earring, and fraternity shirt, but I was a total nerd.

      Still am.

      • MichiganGoat

        Yeah I want fight you even more 😉

        • Brett

          Now you know for sure that you could beat me up.

          • MichiganGoat

            But I’d be concerned about you scrappy factor, I’m sure you could out run me

  • cubfanincardinalland

    Previous comment touched on my feelings. The way Bartman hides, to me is like he is just continuing to give me the finger.
    Come to a darn game, tell everybody you really messed up and I wish I hadn’t stuck my hand out gosh doggit. And it will all be over.
    But instead he wants to be invisible, like it was all out fault for making a big deal about it, and he can’t be bothered to come down to out level.

    • MaxM1908

      If you recall, Bartman did issue an apology very similar to what you are demanding, and the media and fans continued to hound him.

    • Diesel

      I think we all owe him an apology and he should forgive us when he feels it is time.  He was one of MANY hands reaching for that ball.  Who ever hands it hit would have been in his shoes now.  His friend who was with him should be ashamed of himself.  All I know that if I paid that kind of money for those tickets and took my friend he would have been a good enough friend to start beating the snot out of people throwing beer at me.  His ‘friend’ didn’t though.  His ‘friend’ pretended not to know him.  I am tired of the Bartman blame.  I did it at first as well but have come to realize that it wasn’t his fault.  We turned his life into living hell and expect him to ask for an apology and that is just not how it should work.  I don’t care how much crap I get over this post but this is just the plain and simple way I feel about it.  I will defend Bartman to the end and those who think they are better than he can get over themselves.

  • dreese

    Brett, that was amazing! Thank you.

    • Diesel

      I agree.  Yes it was.

    • Brett

      Thank you, kindly.

  • Ben

    Excelent article….I think it wraps up many of the thoughts that long-time suffering Cubs fans feel….”Someday They’ll Go All the Way” I hope!

    • Brett

      Thanks, Ben.

  • Chad

    Brett that was awesome. I, too, am 30 and have a young daughter and smokin hot wife. I’ve been a life-long Cubs fan and now everytime ANY sport is on tv and my lil one sees it..”Cubs Daddy? That the Cubs?” its so awesome. she’s been saying Go Cubs a ton watchin and listenin to games and its great. I appreciate this article and the way you wrote it is superb. I too was watching that wonderful Game 6 but do not blame Bartman for it and never have. I wish he would come back and make an appearance at Wrigley so everyone can kinda move on. The future is bright! (and 40 scares me too…its gonna suck.)

    • Dan Fredrickson

      I agree about Bartman. It’s not his fault that the Cubs had a major meltdown after that foul ball. He didn’t cause that, the Cubs caused that.

    • Brett

      Thanks, Chad.

  • FromFenwayPahk

    Thanks for the read, Brett. Here’s to you all getting that WS soon.

    • Brett

      Thanks, FFP. You can come, too.

  • Gregb

    Awesome story brett very heart felt and also im sorry to hear about your dad even though it was long ago wounds heal but it always leaves a scar i know i lost my son back in 2005 he was just 7months im saying this for pity or to one up you i just simply know what its like to feel that pain so again my condolences also on a brighter note im 32 and have been a cubs fan since i can remember and ill never forget watching the game with 6 of my friends including 1 sox fan(which we all wanted to punch after the game for rubbing it in our faces)but like you i was optimistic about the future and yet we’re all still waiting heres to being a cubs fan and always having hope wait till next year

    • Brett

      Thanks, Greg, and I’m sorry to hear about your loss.

  • Mrp

    Great read! It’s still tough to look back at that season for me though. I think I have blocked a lot of things out of my mind from that night.

    Really great read though, It’s interesting to think that something so terrible could have potentially spawned something so great (this site). Thanks for all of the hard work on this site Brett. It is really a pleasure to come and read every day and share thoughts with fellow Cubs fans that “know what it’s like”.

    • Brett

      Thanks, Mrp.

  • Rick Vaughn

    Man, you totally just described my late teens/early twenties there. I remember Gonzalez booting that ball like it was yesterday. My college roommate threw an old nintendo video game cartridge into the dorm room wall. It was just sticking in the the wall, ass end through the drywall. Nobody even acknowledged it. We just sat there in misery mumbling obscenities in frustration.

    I’ve always felt the same way about how great it’ll be to finally win it all. No other fan base in any sport could possibly feel the way we will. I also think there will be a big letdown afterwards. Like devoting your life to visiting every country or something. Once you’ve accomplished it…now what?

    Great article Brett. And as always, I thank you for it.

    • Brett

      Thanks, Rick. Glad it fit for you.

  • Matt3

    I think we’re in for a good suprise this year. Really.

  • MightyBear

    A little maudlin before opening day. Cmon Cub fans, this is the best time of year for us. Hope springs eternal. In the words of Ernie, lets play two. In the words of Ronnie, this could be the year. Cubs baseball is back along with the fun, the pain, the beer and in the words of Harry “the fresh air and sunshine”. Here’s to another exciting season of Cubs baseball!

    • Brett

      “A little maudlin before opening day.”

      Ah ha! I said you’d say that!

  • Jeff L

    LOL exciting season of Cubs baseball???? Come on dropping payroll down about 30 mil but have the highest priced tickets in baseball leapfrogging over the Yankees.. It’s pathetic that we as consumers and Cubs fans aren’t talking about this. Yankee or Redsox fans would be all over this. We are definitely dropping the ball as fans to allow Ricketts to get away with this and not even questioning it.

  • Stinky Pete

    Great Article. Had to wait all day to read it. (Wait, that’s kind of what you were talking about…)
    LOVED the ending. Had to pull up youtube when I was done reading. =-)

    • Brett

      Thanks, Pete. Glad it was worth the wait.

  • Blake Johnson

    Such a great piece of writing and furthermore a wonderful and sobering story. I have followed BN for a solid year now, drinking the insurmountable knowledge served in a layman’s glass. I can’t tell if this has been the longest most interesting off-season ever, or just a realization that other sports are simply inferior to the complexity we endure being bleeding Cubs fans…
    Anyway, point is, I come here for the love of the Cubs, and for the love of baseball in general. But today, I can safely say that come May-June-October-whenever, when we are analyzing records and who should be where, and where we (hopefully not) wish we were, I will remember this article.

    • Brett

      Those are some mighty kind words, Blake. Thank you.

  • Ron

    That article touched on so many things, the loss of my father, the pride of being a parent, the rediculousness of college, the ceasless march of time, the eternal hope of a cubs fan…

    It is amazing how a seamingly random chain of events can lead us to the place where we are today. I often look back and wonder, what if I had or had not done that one thing …where whould I be today? Would my life be really different? Of course we can never know for sure the answer to that question but I cannot imagine what Steve Bartman thinks when he wallows in those thoughts.

    I know that I will never forget that moment, fresh out of SERE school and the culmanation of two longs years of training drinking a beer with Red Sox fan and in that instant I knew it was over. It was like being broken in a interrogation or seeing a freind sell you out. Hope was replaced with despair packed with the knowledge that there is nothing that you can do to make it stop……thanks for sharing Brett!

    • Brett

      Thanks for that, Ron. Maybe Bartman’s reach brought us here today. Ooooooooh….

  • CRO

    Brett, Thank you so much for this article. Great read!!! I will be forwarding this to many of my family members and friends!!!!

    • Brett

      I really appreciate that, CRO.

  • LouCub

    Brett, awesome article my friend!!!!

    • Brett

      Glad you enjoyed, Lou. Thanks.

  • Shawn

    Outstanding stuff.

    God didn’t just burn us with a magnifying glass, He then smote our ashes upon the ruin. I was mad at Bartman when that initially happened. But then came to the conclusion that, had I been sitting there, I would be that guy. Shit happens, it just really sucks when it happens to you. That eight inning was cruel. Bartman had a “hand” in it. But, that game was lost on the field and in the dugout. It was horrible what happened in that series. What was worse, was when God kicked us when we were down. He took away what could have been the most dominating starting staff in baseball for the next decade. That is a mean thing to do to human beings who pray to him often late in games, and in September and October.

    I live in Champaign where the split is 50/50 Cubs and cards fans. My cardinal fan friends always ask “why are you a Cub Fan?” or “how do you do it?” They will never understand.

    • Brett

      How do we do it? Ha.

      Thanks, Shawn.

  • Sven-Erik312

    Great stuff, Brett. In 2003, I couldn’t get any baseball on TV here in Sweden. I missed the whole thing. I have since read aout it and seen the clips on Youtube. I agree with all the people who say “lets forget the whole thing”. It’s of course easier for me, living on the other side of the Atlantic. It was in 2004 that we began to get some live baseball over here . Now, there is a game on almost everyday on ESPN America.
    Cubs pain is different from Boston pain. As you implied, ours is from never getting there at all. But it will happen. Here in Sweden, I am nurturing lots of Swedish Cub fans, they enjoy hearing about the goat. but I spare them Steve. They don’t understand much of the game yet, but they are still with us. Lets hope the end comes soon. Meanwhile, next year is at last, HERE!

    • Stockholm Cubs

      As another Swede on this site – I can only agree with Svengoolie :)

      • Sven-Erik312

        Ja vist fan! Jag bor i Strängnäs!

    • Brett

      Thanks, Sven-Erik – the Cubs’ reach is broad, eh?

      • Sven-Erik312

        That’s right Brett, as I have mentioned before, when there is a 1:00 pm start at Wrigley, I can see the game here at 8:00 pm when ESPN America runs a Cubs game and since we have daylight here almost all night long it’s almost like it’s a day for me too. With a little imagination, I can pretend I’m back on North Jansen Street, I lived two blocks south of Addison street and two blocks east of Ashland avenue.
        I’m ready for baseball now!

  • Rob

    Really enjoyed the article. Watch the Cubs from the UK after living in Chicago a few years back and remember the incident so well, still amazes me that a fan can have that sort of impact on such an important game. Don’t think there are many sports in the world where that can happen.

    I agree with the sentiment that a Yankee will never truly enjoy winning it all the same as when the Cubs do. I support a football team over here that were in the EPL for 8 years punching well above our weight, we then went into freefall and were demoted 2 divisions in 3 years, losing all our players, shipping in journeyman with no affinity to our club, it was truly awful. Then last season we bought in a new young manager, brought in young, hungry, talented players. We are top of our league and will be promoted in the next few weeks. It has been a great season. Next year we will fight to get promoted back into the EPL with players getting better before our eyes. Sometimes the chase is as enjoyable as the conquer. Not sure Manchester United (Yankee) fans have that same feeling!

    Got my and ready to go this evening.

    • Brett

      Thanks, Rob.

  • JK

    Great article Brett. We had very similar experiences. The first season I truly remember is 1972. I was 6 years old. In 1973, I would walk home from grade school and score the game in a notebook. Loved the voices of Lou Boudreau and Vince Lloyd. Those to me were the golden years of WGN coverage. I thought Jack Brickhouse had to be one of the most popular people in the world. I went on to play high school baseball and was good enough to set a few records and play travel ball at a high level but was just a little slow to play at the next level. My family did not have the $$ to send me to a smaller school where may be I could have extended the inevitable transition to 12″ softball and then to 16″ softball. I remember one game in particular where we were somewhere in the middle of Illinois with cornfields every where around us in summer of 1984. The place we were playing had the Cubs v. Cards game on the loud speakers and it was the legend making game of Ryne Sandburg hitting two homeruns in 1 game I think against Bruce Sutter. I went on to have a very good game that day as well and think fondly of both memories. There are many other memories but one other that sticks out is Andre Dawson hitting an opposite field home run to win a game. I was having dinner with my new wife at a Lincoln Park Mexican restaurant and I stood up in middle of the restaurant and applauded Andre for his incredible feat. And everyone looked at me like I had had too many margaritas. The Cubs just seem to bring back this innocence of scoring a game, playing high school ball with friends, trying to be Ron Santo or Billy Williams. In the back of my mind I wonder if winning it all would improve all of those memories or just make them different in some fashion.

    • Brett

      Good stuff, JK. Thanks.

  • Spriggs

    Wonderful piece, Brett. Just outstanding. I too was once invincible. As the big 6-oh approaches my horizon – your two hour glass analogy is exactly what has been scaring the crap out of me for several years now.

    The cruelest thing about that game 6 to me was this: I didn’t start to really “believe” until just a few seconds before IT happened. And I could never watch that documentary… just cannot do it. Thanks again for sharing that amazing article!

    • Brett

      Thanks for that, Spriggs.

  • Savant

    As someone who has read just about everything Cubs related that you have posted on the internet since 2003, I would just like to say that was your best ever. Thanks for letting us get to know you, and keep up the great work.

    • Brett

      Thanks, Savant (and ditto, by the way).

  • WindyCityWeekly

    Great read, Brett.
    You’re a very talented writer. A gift much better spent writing pieces like this, rather than depositions and such.

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  • Damien


    First of all, thank you for writing this and sharing it. I frequent your site and follow your twitter feed as closely as the cubs box score on a day to day basis and after reading this, it makes so much sense to me.

    I was between my sophomore and junior years of college at the U of I when this all went down. I ended up breaking my ankle celebrating our playoff clinching win by doing the outfield jump that the outfielders would do after a W. I landed on a drain, broke my ankle and now have a plate and 6 screws to remind me of that season.

    It is great to look back on what it would have been and how much more special it will be each passing year. I now have a 5 year old son and a 7 month old daughter. I have gotten married and my mother in law is a HUGE cubs fan. I have a brother in law that is a huge fan, and all of his best friends…. You just made me realize, I GET to celebrate it with all those new people! My kids, my wife, my mother and brother in law it is going to be that much better

    Again, thank you for all that you put into this site. I tell every cubs fan I talk to to come check out your commentary. Keep it up and GO CUBS GO!!

    • Brett

      Thanks for that, Damien. I’m glad it resonated with you.

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  • Jarrod C

    Brett I’ve been a follower of yours for a couple years now. I’ve always been a fan of your work, and you seem to know everything Cubs baseball. Which is what I want to accomplish someday. I would kill for your job. That being said, I’m also glad the Cubs didn’t win in 2003. I was 11. I was not able to comprehend the magnitude of the Cubs’ position at that time. Even now, as a freshman in college, I don’t want it to happen yet. Mostly because I’ll be sitting in an apartment at Purdue if it does happen in 2012. I want to be in Chicago when it goes down. I want to being “crying and covered in beer” just like Eddie Vedder sang. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to witness it as a Cubs employee (which is my goal), or as a writer for the Cubs (which is another dream of mine). No matter where I’m at when it happens, I will be crying, and I will be as emotional as the next Cubs faithful. Loved this article, and I hope you continue to put out more personal works. Because you have a way of capturing us Cubs fans, and maybe more than just us. Great work.

    • Brett

      Thanks for that, Jarrod. Appreciate all of that.

  • Dan

    Thanks for bringing this back to my attention, It was and still is a good read.