(For those of you new to the site since last season, the Enhanced Box Score is a sometimes serious, frequently sarcastic, snap-shot of the day’s game. I offer it to you through the magic of technology, which allows me to “enhance” that day’s box score in a really technical, precise, and high-minded way. For previous examples, see here.)

So, yeah, that sucked.

It started out well enough. Marlon Byrd had a two-out, RBI single, something I’m not sure he did last year before August. Ryan Dempster got into, and out of, jams early, but was absolutely brilliant after the first two innings. Dale Sveum even took him out at the right time (Dempster was at 108 pitches and looked like he was laboring a bit). And then the bullpen happened.

Kerry Wood got squeezed a bit, but mostly just couldn’t throw strikes, which allowed the tying run to score. And then Carlos Marmol allowed a (not cheap) double and a (cheap) single to give up the game.

The offense looked like crap, too, complete with an Alfonso Soriano attempted steal of third, which potentially cost the Cubs a run. Ian Stewart came within an inch of tying the game in the 9th (on a windless day, he might have hit Sheffield). Still, I can’t stop thinking about the pen.

  • Rooster

    Meijer Frederick gardens is great. I was there a few days ago. I thought the sculpture part was the best. Implode is not my way of enjoying 10 beers, wings and brats. Cmon Woody….3 walks. Marmol….let’s go back to the 8th. Looking at our former closers since 99 makes me feel like the Bears pre-Cutler era.

    Ryan Dempster
    Joe Borowski
    Rick Aguilera
    Kerry Wood
    LaTroy Hawkins
    Tom Gordon
    Antonio Alfonseca
    Kevin Gregg
    Bob Howry
    Terry Adams
    Jeff Fassero
    Carlos Marmol
    Rod Beck

    I found this site in the off-season but love it even more in-season…instead of seeing a shrink we can all vent here about how they invent new ways of stinking it up year after year. Off-season I’m an optimist….now a pessimist.

  • Rooster

    We need some humor after a game like that. These fantasy baseball team names are pretty solid. Borrowed from Matt Berry…

    1. Devil Wears Prado
    2. Latos Intolerant
    3. Honey Nut Ichiros
    4. Grand Theft Votto
    5. 1-800-Safe-Votto
    6. Carry On My Heyward Son
    7. Jeters Never Prosper
    8. Choo and a Half Men
    9. 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one.
    10. Sons of Pitches
    11. The Good, the Bad and the Uggla
    12. Napoli Ever After
    13. Hakuna Tejada
    14. Brain over Braun
    15. Fight the Mauer
    16. Duda, where’s my car?
    17. The Morneau After Pill
    18. Kershawshank Redemption
    19. Whirling Darvishes
    20. Never Ending Storen

    • CubbieFaithful

      Don’t forget Funky Cold Molina and Byrnes When I Peavy

      • MaxM1908

        The Chattanooga Soo Choos

        • Papi

          Apu NishiokaPapelbon

    • Ben

      my friend’s team is called “Soto’s Roach Clip” I am a fan of that name

  • http://It'searly Mike F

    To some extent Theo threw down the gauntlet at the feet of the Chicago media and they have taken it full stride to after one game pronounce the season over. Honestly it probably is, but seems early to me to condemn the guy for what they to a man and woman wanted. I think the one thing he deserves heat for is not the Marshall trade but for sticking with Marmol’s fat ass. He’s a proven loser and did it again today, he just needs to shut his mouth. I am hopeful they are going to adjust as the season goes on, but the line-up is weak, bluntly as weak as I’ve seen.

    You have to balance this I believe but progress on the starting pitching and attitude side. I think Sveum and his staff may turn out to be brilliant. And I think at the first opportune moment they will trade Soto, Dempster, Byrd and Garza. Hopefully Soriano gets off to a great start and they get rid of him at something better than the last offers in terms of the money they have to eat. But in a perverse way this probably makes it easier to do what is needed in bottoming out and getting some of the veterans moved. And while I’m not happy about it, it’s unlikely we will finish anywhere near 500. I think people will have to look for little things, the draft, what they dump and what get back and then reserve judgement until you see how much they get done next offseason.

    I will say this, let’s see what the roster looks like in early June, what moves they make and how they are playing. I’m thinking this line-up will look considerably different in June and even more so in August, that’s when I will begin to draw some conclusions. And bluntly the Chicago media is at with Theo already at Theo’s invitation and to me, he is by far the superior intelligence in that match-up.

  • Brian Peters

    Wood needs to retire, and Marmol needs to be deported.

  • Teremei

    I watched a bit of this game, just because it was opening day. Bill Murray was awesome, lol. But this year, reall there are only a few guys I am the least bit interested in following.

    Castro – how much might defense improve, same with offense? Watching him grow as a player.
    Stewart – can he turn it around and be a very nice 3B for us over the next 4-5 years?
    Smardzija – can he be a quality flamethrower starting pitcher? He is young enough to be part of the next 5 or so years Cubs core.
    Volstad – same as Smar, can he put it together and be a quality sinkerball pitcher and get weak contact and become a decent part of the emmerging core?
    Then in the Summer. Rizzo and Jackson. Everyone else is just placeholders, they will be gone in the next 2-3 years. We only have a few guys that are going to be part of the next great Cubs team. And I’m more interested in following them and seeing how they do.

  • RY34

    second verse same as the first, different year same ol shit! gonna be one hell of a long year. didnt see the game but the way the game ended didnt surprise me one bit, typical choke cubs. runner on third less than two outs and golly gee he doesnt score! and how the hell kerry wood after all these years cant find the f-ing strike zone is beyond me!

  • PaigePatMaw

    I spammed.

    • TC


      also, WTF this is literally just random words thrown together with equally random punctuation

      • Spencer

        this is weird.