I’ll be in the bleachers for today’s series finale against the Brewers (call me a lame douche, but I want to freaking sing “Go, Cubs, Go” at the end of the game – make it happen, Cubs), so, if you see me, feel free to shout greetings or cries of execration. A reminder on what I look like, if you need one.

While in the bleachers today, I’m going to be thinking about a variety of things – how Matt Garza’s command looks, how the Cubs perform with runners on base, how many pitches the Cubs make Zack Greinke throw, etc. But I’ll also be thinking about one thing, which captures the imagination of everyone who takes in a game from the bleachers at Wrigley: maybe I’ll catch a home run.

So, I got to think about what I’m going to be thinking about, and I realized that not all home run balls are created equally. While I’ll take any that I can get, I have a preference for the kinds of home run balls I’d like to catch. They are as follows:





5. Game-winning home run by some Brewers player. There’s just no joy there, unless you snake the ball away from a decked-out Brewers fan, preferably not a child (but that would not deter me).

4. Meaningless Cubs home run. It’s not quite as joyful to catch a homer by Blake DeWitt when the Cubs are down 10, but it’s still awesome, and I’d get to keep the ball. Maybe Blake would sign it for me! On second thought, I think I’ll just keep the ball clean.

3. Meaningful, but not game-winning, Cubs home run. Perhaps a sixth inning, tie-breaking two-run shot from Alfonso Soriano? Something like that. I could get into that.



2. Meaningless Brewers home run in a game the Cubs are leading by 15. I dream of throwing one back. I’m one of those people. I could make the infield. And, with proper footing and a favorable roll, I could make the plate. I know it. Just give me the chance.

1. Game-winning, walk-off grand slam by Starlin Castro off of John Axford. I would sleep with that ball under my pillow for a month.


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