When you think of FanGraphs, you think of advanced metrics and modern statistical analysis.

You probably don’t think of this:

Every time Young Ryan Theriot makes a band geek cry — usually by frog-punching him until he voluntarily climbs into the dumpster outside the cafeteria — his Eddie Bauer rugby grows a new stripe ….

Young Ryan Theriot is not most alive when playing baseball. No, Young Ryan Theriot is most alive when he’s at the wheel of his Bronco II with a Bud Light freshly shoved into his Señor Frog’s coozie and doing donuts in some poindexter’s front yard ….

Young Ryan Theriot derives momentary uplift from chucking his empties onto the stretch of highway that, in the service of avoiding double-secret probation, pledges have been volunteered to clean up for the remainder of history ….

Every five weeks or so, Young Ryan Theriot goes to the Regis Salon at the mall. Once there, Young Ryan Theriot surveys the stylist’s rack, slackens himself into the chair and says, “Make me look like conformity veneered with trouble.” She does. She does because he is ….

There are many more, and you should read them. The joke is less on Ryan Theriot than on his attire and … swagger … in this particular photo, but it’s convenient that he’s the vehicle.

He’s a free agent, you know …

(h/t to TWC over on the Message Board)

  • TC

    Oh, man, I love these things. I’m trying to go through the site to find some of the older ones, and I can’t right now, but they’re outrageously funny

  • Fastball

    A fine young lad he was!

    I think I raised 3 of those boys myself. How many times I had pissed off parents in my living room!
    That’s what formal living rooms are for. At least that was the joke at our house. Mom and Dad having to deal with something one of our rowdy son’s got into. I had to be the Dad who blew the roof of the house after those parents and sometimes Deputy Sheriff’s pulled out of the driveway. Mostly because my wife’s first reaction was they are your Boys! You better deal with them. In the double secret confines of the marital bedroom I some how had to defend my own youth and that my sons where just like their father. Oh Boy those were fun times. Lawn Jobs and Beer Parties at whom ever’s house had parents away for the weekend. It’s a trans-generational thing.

  • Dave_MKE

    I wonder how many sets of nerd’s buns he taped together back in the day.

    • Internet Random

      I think just Larry Lester’s.

  • Fastball

    Brett, since you have a boy on the way… Be prepared for what happens 16 years from now. Just saying

    • http://www.bleachernation.com Brett

      I shudder to think.

      Almost as badly as I think about 14 years in the future for The Little Girl.

      • ColoCubFan

        I threatened to take the hinges off of my daughter’s bedroom door at age 15 or so because I grew tired of her slamming it when I was “unfair!”.

      • hardtop

        I’m praying for the Apocalypse. The idea of my daughter dating makes me wish for a quick death… I don’t even mind some sustained period of pain as it will surely be shorter than the 10 years between age 12 and 22.

        • Internet Random

          I’ve been hoping that my daughter would be a lesbian, but an apocalypse would solve even more problems.

  • Fastball

    Making the Cross Country team run naked back into town like they were in Chariots of Fire. As a father I laughed my ass off for days. But not at home. My boys were geniuses to come up with the crap they pulled. I was truly amazed at the good old fashioned trouble they could get into.

  • Fastball

    Yep. We have 3 daughters as well. And you think boys are bad. Girls are smarter and much more difficult to catch doing things. I spent much of my life holding court and delivering ass chewings. I never grounded my kids it was too much work to enforce. Good Old Fashion Butt Chewings work just as well. Then they had to be on mom’s crap list which the worst.

  • OlderStyle

    Wow. That had me laughing out loud at my desk. I remember those guys. Some grow up, some don’t. But, oh, the wankers that they were in high school. These bros help keep punk rock alive.

  • Leroy

    My wife LOVES Ryan Theriot (Don’t ask). I can’t WAIT to show her this :)

    • Cubbie Blues

      So, what you’re saying is, she has a type. 😀

      • Leroy

        bwahahhaha she has a thing for journeymen with world series rings 😉

  • Fastball

    Ya by age 23 my boys got smart cuz that’s when I stop bailing them out. Now they are in good jobs etc. I think I am a firm believer in history repeating itself. My dad had a reputation and then I so it moved on to the next generation. Now I have a grandson (4 months old) I can’t wait for him to break his parents in.

  • Fastball

    my wife has a damned Theriot jersey as well. ?? I never understood that. I am smart enough to just leave it be.

  • Internet Random

    He’s a free agent, you know …

    We should trade Rizzo to the Free Agents for Theriot.

    • Leroy

      oh goodness can you imagine ole 1967 going off about that??

      • cubs1967

        don’t put words in my mouth Leeeeeeeroy……..or god forbid try to think for me…….

        • Leroy

          sorry bud, just wouldn’t want you to have more ammo against ‘Jedai’…

          • cubs1967

            let’s review jedai’s credentials shall we Leerrrrrrroy……..

            2 years as a GM
            2 last place teams.


            he’s here cuz he theo’s buddy……..but hey I know you theo lovers, all wet and your legs up in the air; don’t believe either can do any wrong.

            • Leroy

              i don’t think he can’t do any wrong, but he hasn’t been given enough time with either team to prove anything. I will give him 3 years.

            • bbmoney

              Assuming Jedai = Jed Hoyer….sorry not up with the lingo.

              “2 years as a GM
              2 last place teams.”

              That statement is factually incorrect. Not to say he’s perfect, obviously he’s not. But it’s a blatantly incorrect statement.

              Of course I might not even be talking about the right person, but I’m thinking its a safe bet.

              • bbmoney

                Of course you could credit his 2010 success(2nd place (2GB) in the NL West and 1 game out of the WC) to previous management……but then it wouldn’t be fair to blame 2012 Cubs failures on Jedstein if we’re going the prior management route. Of course most people just aren’t that rational.

                But again…if I got the wrong guy feel free to ignore me or belittle my ignorance.

                • terencemann

                  Hoyer completely rebuilt the Padres scouting and player development system from practically non-existent to one of the most respected in baseball. The 2nd place team was a complete surprise that nobody saw coming. It wasn’t really a very good team that he inherited.

              • http://www.bleachernation.com Brett

                Am I going to have to post a picture about not feeding certain unsavory sub-bridge dwellers?

                Everyone is giving this … gentleman … exactly what he wants.

        • Drew7

          I’ll give credit where credit is due – this post made me chuckle.

          • cubs1967

            wait till Leeeeeeeeeeroy and I go on the road…………maybe that would help tommyboy and family sell out the convention………some free comedy like the team on the field isn’t enough!

            • Leroy

              whos on first? yes?

  • cubchymyst

    Funny post thanks for sharing, I tend not to look at the notgraphs part of fangraphs. Rotographs has an article about Castro skill plateau posted as well.

  • Ben (BG2383)

    Bama bangs!! I really have nothing else to say

  • Cubbies4Life

    That was HILARIOUS! The only problem was that there weren’t enough quotes! I would like to see Young Ryan Theriot reach the same heights in modern American folklore as Chuck Norris.

    • http://www.bleachernation.com Brett

      We could always try to spin some of our own.

  • WI Jeff

    In October 2009 he was hired as the San Diego Padres’ general manager.[7][8] Perhaps his best known deal as GM of the Padres was when he sent 1B Adrian Gonzalez to the Red Sox in exchange for RHP Casey Kelly, OF Reymond Fuentes, utility man Eric Patterson and 1B Anthony Rizzo. Hired by Cubs in Oct of 2011…. two years with San Diego and one with the Cubs.

  • WI Jeff

    2010 Second Place with 90-72
    2011 last place with 71-91
    2012 second to last with 61 and 101 record
    Thanks to the Astros

  • ferrets_bueller

    Well, you know what they say….once a d-bag, always a d-bag. Looks like it hold true for Theriot.