The Girlfriend Scouting Report, Courtesy of Myles’ Girlfriend

Financial ReportingEvery now and again I’m lucky enough to be able to watch a Cubs game with my loving girlfriend. And it’s hilarious.

First, a bit about her. She’s by no means a “girly girl,” and is actually pretty athletic. I play softball with her and she’s better than a lot of the guys. But she’s not cocky. She should be, but she’s not.

She enjoys watching meaningful sporting events and gets really into Bears games. But when she sits down to watch what is truthfully a meaningless baseball game, the things that come out of her adorable mouth are just the best.

It is because of this that I decided to create, “The Girlfriend Scouting” report.  I asked her what she thought of each player as they came to bat and when they were in the field. She didn’t disappoint in her responses.

July 2, 2013

Cubs @ Athletics

Lineup:

  1. Valbuena

  2. Castro

  3. Schierholtz

  4. Soriano

  5. Rizzo

  6. Navarro

  7. Bogusevic

  8. Barney

  9. Castillo

(We came into the game in the 2nd inning.)

Dioner Navarro: “He’s gotta play catcher. He doesn’t look fast enough to play anywhere else.  He also gets lucky with his hits.”

Her first point is fair. Dioner is not a guy that looks like he’s going to trot out to shortstop or center field.  But the luckiness of his hits was something that I was going to try and dispute … until I realized it would be of no use.

“Where is everybody [at the A’s game]?”

She doesn’t know anything but Wrigley. Also, she saw Moneyball. So seeing nobody there was weird for her.

Brian Bogusevic: “He steps in too far over the plate. Ohhh and he’s got nice blue shoes.”

Give this girl a coaching job.

During at bats I told her Scott Feldman had been traded. Without looking at me she said, “I don’t care.  Mostly I just care about Rizzo even though he cut his hair. Also Castro.”  Fair enough I suppose.

Chris Rusin [After giving up another home run]: “He’s scrawny. Also maybe he’s just not that good.  Maybe he’d be better on a different team.  Oh his pick off move is goofy – it’s too slow and obvious.  He ain’t gunna pick off Coco Crisp.”

This is funny because she literally didn’t know Coco Crisp existed 5 minutes before this. And let me tell you, she had a ton of questions on his name. She just couldn’t believe that people seriously called him Coco Crisp. Hell, I can’t really believe it after all these years. She did, however, listen attentively to Len and JD talk about Crisp’s speed and intelligence on the base paths.  So asking why Rusin was even trying is valid I guess.

Darwin Barney: “Darwin Barney shouldn’t be his name. He’s also got really bad facial hair.”

What do you say to something like that? I just smile and nod.

Wellington Castillo: I asked her what she thought of him. She didn’t say anything right away. And after he struck out on a nasty curve, she just goes, “Gaaah.”

Luis Valbeuana: “He looks good!”  [But after striking out] “Nevermind.”

[After watching one of the A’s taking an at-bat]

“These guys do too much in the batter’s box. Quit effing around with all your stuff and just focus on swinging.”

Preach, girl. Preach.

Alfonso Soriano [fielding]: “USE TWO HANDS!!”

Look, my girl’s all about the fundamentals.  So whenever she sees a guy use one hand or hop to catch a ball, she gets a little testy.

Starlin Castro: “I’d date him. Just kidding, he looks 12. But he could buy me dinner and groceries. He also has very nice shoes.”

This one made me shake my head. What does Castro have that I don’t? Bet I’d beat him in Scrabble

Nate Sheirholtz: “I’ve never heard of him.”

At least she’s honest.

Alfonso Soriano: [he had two on when he came to the plate] “I feel like something good is going to happen here.  He’s going to hit it out or something.”

And then he freaking hit a 3-run homer! I need to get her to Vegas or something.

Anthony Rizzo: “His hands are goofy, kinda like Rizzo. Wait… that is Rizzo. Whoops.”

She was kind of losing her focus at this point I think. Because she really does like Rizzo (she’s got a crush on him too).

She also just went off on Castro for wasted movement.  I’m telling you, fundamentals is where it’s at.

Alright, Ned Stark is having a really tough time in King’s Landing I think. I wonder if he regrets taking the job as Hand of the King. It’s putting me on edge. Wait a minute. Somehow Game of Thrones just got put on. Man, she’s sneaky.

Well, it was fun while it lasted. This has been The Girlfriend Scouting report.

Myles Phelps is a contributor to Bleacher Nation. You can find him on Twitter @mphelps11.

25 responses to “The Girlfriend Scouting Report, Courtesy of Myles’ Girlfriend”

  1. Hansman1982

    Nice, Got one helluva gal there.

  2. OregonCubsFan

    Your best one yet Myles. Thank your girlfriend for us.

  3. OregonCubsFan

    And have her predict some more Soriano HR’s. We could use them.

    1. Live Easy

      She just predicted them. She didn’t cast a magic spell that made him hit them.

  4. another JP

    Do yourself a favor Myles- watch all Cub games with your gf. Even if the game sucks you’ll never be bored.

  5. wvcubsfan

    That sounds much like some of the things that my wife says during games.

    One of my favorite is during spring training or pre-season games she’ll always ask “when are the real games starting? When I tell her that they do count in a way because the teams are trying to find out who will make the active roster her stock response is “you know what I mean the REAL games, not these fake things”.

    The other day we were watching a Cubs game and they were actually leading so she says “when are they going to put that Marmol guy in to blow it?”; so I tell her that he was released (she wouldn’t know DFA from DEA) here response was “good it’s about time”.

    Gotta love the other half’s comments, almost as good as the things kids say.

    1. Scott

      My wife loves Chicago sports but she hates watching blow out games and game when Marmol pitches. Every time he got put into the game she’d say, “can we change the channel now?” Just like she does when she thinks a comeback is impossible.

    2. On The Farm

      I was talking with my buddy back when pitchers and cathers were reporting in Feb and we were talking about how people were saying how Garza was throwing because obviously that was big news back then. My fiance turns and looks at us and said “Are you seriously discussing someone ‘just playing catch’?”.

  6. cubchymyst

    My favorite comment by my wife so far this season came when the Cubs were playing the Nationals. She asked if the Nationals were sponsored by Walgreen because they have the Walgreen W on their hat. If you look at the W they are not the same but they are similar.

    1. hawkcub

      That is awesome.

  7. Dale Jr

    These are good keep em comeing lol.
    Any news on Bryant ?!

  8. Bric

    Did you explain to her that his full name is Charles Darwin Barney Gumble?

  9. RWakild

    Keep that girl and love the story. Made me laugh more than once.

    1. MoneyBoy

      Me too!!!

  10. Sacko

    I like it, it takes a look at no sense to makes sense. You never really said if she is a Cub Fan, let her keep watching and continue the opinions and soon she might be one. It would be interesting to hear her perspectives as she get’s going along with this miserable journey.
    This is just plain tough on everybody. Nice to see comments w/o stats and micro analysis.

  11. On The Farm

    Mine says, **sigh** “At least Carlos Zambrano would punch people.”

  12. Tommy

    As always, another great read. Thanks Myles. I always enjoy your writings!

  13. Jonda

    Love your stories. Love your girlfriend!

  14. seo uzmani

    Spam.

    1. MichiganGoat

      Alright spam for breakfast!

      1. Brett

        You know better than that, MG. Now I can’t delete it …

        1. Hansman1982

          He did it because he’s the secret spammer on the grassy knoll.

        2. MichiganGoat

          But spam-sandwiches for breakfast are just so tasty ;) and why should we make anything easy for you on the Blogathon… Got to keep you busy buddy ;)

          And I really wanted to sing
          http://youtu.be/bZio278IKGI

          I DON’T LIKE SPAM

      2. Fishin Phil

        It’s a delicacy in Hawaii.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.