Myles’ Careful Analysis of the First Half

cat computerThe All-Star Break.  It sucks.

Don’t get me wrong, the festivities around it all are great. I love the Home Run Derby (minus Chris Berman) and I think having the All-Star Game count for something is … interesting. In my opinion, I think MLB has done a great job in having this break be, at the very least, entertaining. They had Pitbull perform? Hip!

But it’s sooooo boooooring now without any games. Yeah, we’ve got trade rumors, which is fun (the latest I hear is Matt Garza to the Giants for Buster Posey straight up! It’s just a rumor I made up, though). But I just want to watch baseball again and check stats online and stuff. I feel whiny.  But even grown-ass men can whine sometimes. And I’m a grown-ass man. So lay off me.

Sorry I yelled back there. I didn’t mean it.

To cope, I’ve resorted to following the NBA Summer League over the past couple days. Which, if you know anything about the NBA Summer League, is extremely boring and pointless. Think MLB Spring Training, but more meaningless and way fewer stars. Like, way fewer. Bulls are undefeated by the way. Bet you didn’t know that. 3-0 actually. So yeah … they’re pretty good.

It’s only been five days since the Cubs last played. That doesn’t seem too long. Shut up, voice of reason.

Anyway, I decided to take a look at the first half and do a ham-fisted grading of what has happened. This all took a lot of careful analysis on my part. I had to pick a grading system that was not only precise, but consistent as well.

Here we go:

Starting pitching: good

Hitting with runners in scoring position: bad

Bullpen outside of Gregg: (I just shuddered)

Gregg: 30 (ACT score value)

Marmol: n/a

Svuem’s tattoos: need more analysis

Rizzo’s new hair: average

Wood’s lack of facial hair: F. What the hell are you doing, man?

Weather: Also a F. I blame this on Theo and Jed. It’s been too cold.

Tom Ricketts: 40 points (I haven’t decided how much this is out of).

Ian Stewart’s knowledge of Twitter: A+

Ian Stewart’s use of Twitter: D-

Castro’s hitting: So-so.  He’s coming around.

Center field: F. If you injure another center fielder, I swear…

Cubs prospects: A+

Patience of Cubs fans to see Cubs prospects: medium to medium rare

Wrigley renovation talks: Ugh, D. Maybe even a double D (this is higher than an F and is also funny because it’s a woman’s brassiere size. Yep, brassiere). [Brett: But getting better, right?]

Jed: Gold star

Theo: Money ballin’ his heart out

OVERALL: Smiley face

“Smiley face,” isn’t a bad grade guys.  It really isn’t.  It’s a couple short of the “ecstatic face” but way above “sobbing and depressed face.”  There’s still some work to be done, but things are looking up.

I’m ready for games to start again.

Myles Phelps is a contributor to Bleacher Nation. You can find him on Twitter @mphelps11.

17 responses to “Myles’ Careful Analysis of the First Half”

  1. DarthHater

    “And I’m a grown-ass man.”

    Finally, the mystery is solved: Myles is the Assman.

    1. wax_eagle

      relephant: http://xkcd.com/37/

    2. Funn Dave

      hahaha

  2. EQ76

    I’d say overall = :/ face.

  3. G2Ellis

    More of this face :| show no emotion

  4. cjdubbya

    This is #scouting at its finest.

  5. Vulcan

    :/

  6. Larry

    Why didn’t grade the defense, they kicked in their share of our losses?

  7. Timmy

    wait, garza is miss piggy? what?

  8. mysterious4th

    I needed a damn good laugh. Got it now!

  9. Steven

    Myles, thank you for a great laugh on my lunch break

  10. MoneyBoy

    Yup …. I heartily concur with the board … thanks Myles …

    Oh, investing that time in Rizzo’s hair was sheer geniusness!! (Random Angelo reference)

    Re: Renovations … dare I say … ‘double D with a bullet’?

    A laugh at 1pm on Friday is most appreciated!!

  11. fromthemitten

    yawn

  12. Tommy

    I love your articles , Myles. Thanks for the laugh, man.

  13. Dan

    To paraphrase the words of the guy from Billy Madison -”We all got a little dumber after that. …may god have mercy on your soul Myles.”

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