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Myles: Here’s What A Steroid Apology Letter Looks Like

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ryan braun maskRyan Bruan was the latest MLB star to release his apology after being caught (twice) for taking a banned substance.

I, for one, am sick of hearing/reading them. They’re often times written by lawyers (no offense to Brett) who know how get a point across while tugging at the emotional side. They want you to feel bad for their client. They want you to believe that their client is truly sorry for what he did – that he’s turned himself around. And they do this by creating carefully constructed prose.

“By coming forward when I did and waiving my right to appeal any sanctions that were going to be imposed, I knew I was making the correct decision and taking the first step in the right direction. It was important to me to begin my suspension immediately to minimize the burden on everyone I had so negatively affected — my teammates, the entire Brewers organization, the fans and all of MLB.”


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Braun wants you to think he did you a favor by “waving his right to an appeal.” He wants you to know he was “taking the first step in the right direction.”

Thanks, dude. Appreciate it. You really turned yourself around and did the right thing after getting caught (twice). No biggie on this end. We’re good.

But these “apologies” aren’t apologies. They’re PR strategies aimed at getting clients out of hot water with the public. But they don’t work. People are still mad after these. Why not be more open if you know you’re not going to turn people’s minds? I want more honesty out of these. An apology isn’t meant to “save face.” It’s meant to admit guilt and own up to your mistakes. You’re supposed to look like an idiot when you apologize. That’s not what Ryan Braun did.


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Here’s how Ryan Braun could have done his:

Dear MLB Fans,

I blew it. Like really blew it.

I was caught (again) for taking a banned substance.

Selfishness is where this all stemmed from. I didn’t do it to help the team. I didn’t do it to help my family. I did to appear better than I really am for my own wellbeing. This led to an enormous contract, which I do not deserve. It also lead to hitting pitchers better than I should have, perhaps damaging a chance to get a big contract of their own.

I am a cheater. Cheaters never should win. But I was winning until I got caught. And I would have continued to cheat until I got caught. Because of this, I’m going to donate a portion of my contract to charity. This won’t fix it, but it will make me seem like less of a douche.

I know there are those who will hate me forever and boo me when I enter your favorite team’s stadiums. You deserve to do so.  You deserve to boo me. For I am currently the king of douches (which by the way, I’ll be putting on the back of my jersey for the 2014 season: “King of Douches.” Hopefully that will make up for some of this too).


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Also, I truly do love baseball. And I know that I’ve ruined it a bit for some. I’ve also put other good hitters in a tough spot. For when anyone starts to do well (Chris Davis) they will be scrutinized because of what I and others have done.

I’m sorry, guys. I really am. I don’t deserve some of the things that I currently have. I’ll do whatever I can to make this up to you.

Love always,

Ryan Braun

Didn’t that seem more human? Okay, perhaps some of it unrealistic. But I want to read something that I know the cheater wrote, not some hot shot lawyer from Harvard.

I’m sick of the whole thing. Braun. Steroids. All of it. There are too many awesome things going on in the MLB right now not to like. The AL East race between Boston and the Rays is crazy right now. Chris Davis of the Orioles is playing out of his mind. And everyone in LA still has Puig fever. Can we focus on this stuff? Like the actual game of baseball?


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Thanks.


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Myles Phelps

Myles Phelps is a contributor to Bleacher Nation. You can find him on Twitter @mphelps11.

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