This is not a joke, in the sense that this is an actual message that I received. This is a joke, in the sense that it is a humorous thing that someone sent to me. If you want to think of this as an April Fools’ Day thing, that would be fine with me. But I’m not fooling you here. Just offering a little fun. April Funs’ Day, or something like that.
The intangibles paragraph, in particular, led me to LOL’ing, and, as a practice, I don’t usually LOL.
I bet you usually don’t get Facebook messages from prospects, but I’m not your everyday prospect. During my annual workout at my local AAA stadium’s Fan Fest (Round Rock), I saw that my pitch speed has increased to 50 mph from 47 mph a year ago. I want to get on your radar (no pun intended) because I’ll be taking a Cubs 25-man roster spot when my fastball hits 98 mph.
You should know that besides the increasing speed, my fastball has a lot of movement—the kind that keeps hitters off balance. Usually nobody, including the catcher, has any idea where my fastball will end up.
I know I can’t make the big leagues with just an awesome fastball, so I’m working on other pitches, too. I’m learning a cutter from Mariano Rivera (I’ve been watching him pitch on YouTube), and I’m working on the mechanics of my changeup (it’s still underhand at this point).
Off the field, I’ll provide the Cubs with intangibles. For example, I’ll be a good clubhouse guy. If I see any wet towels lying around where my teammates might slip on them, I’ll move those towels to a safe location. I’ll also keep things loose in the clubhouse. Not too loose—just the right amount of looseness. I bought a book of funny jokes, and I will tell those jokes to my teammates. Also, I do an impression of Ryan Dempster doing an impression of Harry Caray. I have other intangibles, too, but they are so abstract that I don’t even know how to describe them.
I know I seem confident in my abilities, and I am. It’s all based on sabermetrics. I invented a statistic called “Pitch Speed Increase Rate”. The formula: PSIR = (Newer Pitch Speed [mph] – Previous Pitch Speed [mph]) / Time [years]. (Side note: Once I’m on the team, I plan to share with Theo many other statistics that I’ve invented.)
So Brett, please plan to set aside some time to write about my prospectiness. Based on PSIR projections, I’ll be at 98 mph and ready for a 25-man roster spot in 2030.