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sign all the pitchers cubsThis is not a joke, in the sense that this is an actual message that I received. This is a joke, in the sense that it is a humorous thing that someone sent to me. If you want to think of this as an April Fools’ Day thing, that would be fine with me. But I’m not fooling you here. Just offering a little fun. April Funs’ Day, or something like that.

The intangibles paragraph, in particular, led me to LOL’ing, and, as a practice, I don’t usually LOL.

Brett,

I bet you usually don’t get Facebook messages from prospects, but I’m not your everyday prospect. During my annual workout at my local AAA stadium’s Fan Fest (Round Rock), I saw that my pitch speed has increased to 50 mph from 47 mph a year ago. I want to get on your radar (no pun intended) because I’ll be taking a Cubs 25-man roster spot when my fastball hits 98 mph.

You should know that besides the increasing speed, my fastball has a lot of movement—the kind that keeps hitters off balance. Usually nobody, including the catcher, has any idea where my fastball will end up.

I know I can’t make the big leagues with just an awesome fastball, so I’m working on other pitches, too. I’m learning a cutter from Mariano Rivera (I’ve been watching him pitch on YouTube), and I’m working on the mechanics of my changeup (it’s still underhand at this point).

Off the field, I’ll provide the Cubs with intangibles. For example, I’ll be a good clubhouse guy. If I see any wet towels lying around where my teammates might slip on them, I’ll move those towels to a safe location. I’ll also keep things loose in the clubhouse. Not too loose—just the right amount of looseness. I bought a book of funny jokes, and I will tell those jokes to my teammates. Also, I do an impression of Ryan Dempster doing an impression of Harry Caray. I have other intangibles, too, but they are so abstract that I don’t even know how to describe them.

I know I seem confident in my abilities, and I am. It’s all based on sabermetrics. I invented a statistic called “Pitch Speed Increase Rate”. The formula: PSIR = (Newer Pitch Speed [mph] – Previous Pitch Speed [mph]) / Time [years]. (Side note: Once I’m on the team, I plan to share with Theo many other statistics that I’ve invented.)

So Brett, please plan to set aside some time to write about my prospectiness. Based on PSIR projections, I’ll be at 98 mph and ready for a 25-man roster spot in 2030.

–John Morkes

  • Javier Bryant

    This has to be a joke lol

    • http://www.bleachernation.com Brett

      It is. There’s no hiding the ball here. It’s a joke. A very funny one.

  • ibcnu2222

    That’s pretty funny.

  • http://www.twitter.com/justinjabs @justinjabs

    “Also, I do an impression of Ryan Dempster doing an impression of Harry Caray.”

    LOL! This part got me.

    • blublud

      That was the funniest part.

  • Chad

    Slightly disappointed in his sabermetic. It’s a simple slope. I mean if you are going to go all out on this try something like including a sigmoidal function or logistic regression. Get creative.

    • Scombs

      To me, the simplicity adds to the humor.

    • Wilburthefirst

      … thus endth the joke ,,,

  • Porkslap

    He does an impression of Ryan Dempster doing an impression of Will Ferrell doing an impression of Harry Caray.

  • mjhurdle

    “I’m working on the mechanics of my changeup (it’s still underhand at this point).”

    well played sir, well played

    • cking6178

      That is the part that had me LoLing in my cubicle…

    • Funn Dave

      Hahaha I didn’t even catch that part.

  • Scombs

    “You should know that besides the increasing speed, my fastball has a lot of movement—the kind that keeps hitters off balance. Usually nobody, including the catcher, has any idea where my fastball will end up.”

    As a former, albeit little league, catcher, I found this part to be very funny (literally LOL’d, of which I also do not make a habit). I remember certain pitchers who thought they had great movement but were in reality just incredibly wild.

  • ssckelley

    “ready for a 25-man roster spot in June of 2030.”

    FIFY

    I mean seriously, gotta keep that extra year of control!

  • J. L.

    I didn’t LOL because that’s not advisable in the workplace, but the noises I made in the effort to avoid LOLing may have been even worse.

    • abe

      Very funny comment!!

    • cking6178

      Well played, I was trying to think of a way to describe my muffled laughter, but I think you nailed it!

  • Picklenose

    Are you sure this letter is not from Sid Finch’s grandson?

  • Jon

    On the joke theme, I couldn’t stop laughing at this

    [img]https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BkIh2AXIQAAViVz.jpg[/img]

    That’s a helluva promotion package there…

    • cking6178

      HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

  • Funn Dave

    Props, Brett: the internet has just about ruined April Fools day with all these websites posting stories that are clearly jokes but trying to trick people into thinking they’re real. They were funny five years ago–now they’re old and stale. At least you’re upfront about your April Fools joke.

  • Funn Dave

    Also, I’m pretty sure the reason we have an off day today is to avoid all the wisecracks about how the team on the field must be and April Fools joke :P

    • cub4life

      at least we aren’t a 3 ring circus like Toronto was yesterday (that play was crazy).

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