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cubs splatter hatESPN did perhaps the most ESPN thing possible, ranking all major sports franchises – using amorphous criteria and fan input – in a giant list. The entire thing is clearly designed to engender meaningless debates that cannot possibly be supported by logic or reason, thanks to the subjective nature of the enterprise.

… and it totally worked on me. Because away we go.

In the ranking of 122 franchises from MLB, the NFL, NBA, and NHL, the Chicago Cubs come in 117th. The Cubs, then, are a worse franchise than the Cleveland Browns. Than the Washington Racist Names. Than the Winnipeg Jets. You might as well just rank the Cubs below Notre Dame, miniature flags, happiness, and the episode of The Simpsons with Hank Scorpio in it.

The Cubs are, according to this list, worse than every other Major League franchise except the New York Mets.

The criteria for the ranking purports to include the following categories: Affordability, Coaching, Fan Relations, Ownership, Players, Stadium Experience, Bang for the Buck, and Title Track.

Now, I could see the Cubs being in the bottom half (again, of every damn sports franchise in the country) in a few of those, but, to put it in relevant parlance, “Come on, man.” When the Cubs are winning games in 2015/16/17, and ESPN is milking that story (as they should), everyone will apparently suddenly remember that the Cubs are one of the marquee franchises in baseball, and one of the most iconic franchises in major sports. And suddenly, the “Coaching” will look better. “Ownership” will look better. “Players” – you know, mostly the same guys – will be better. And on and on.

Hamburgers. See? The fake argument thing worked on me. Now I’m all riled up. Read the list for yourself, and get riled up about other parts.

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