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Theo's Historic Chance...Does He Want to be a God?


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#1 Oswego Chris

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Posted 02 October 2011 - 09:52 AM

Those following my "crype" series(all twelve of you), I am taking a break from that today to pose a question:

Does Theo Epstein want to be God?

Really. I am not kidding. If he came to the Cubs and ended 103 years of suffering, after halting the Red Sox 86 year drought, can you imagine the significance? Especially considering the apparent perpetual bad luck that both franchises had before his arrival? The curses of goats and Bambinos, and the ground balls through the Bucknerses and the Gonzalai? Not to offend anybody's religious affiliations, but if he won a World Series with the Cubs I think he would draw comparisons with a certain long haired bearded fellow.(No, not you Ashton Kutcher)

Think about it for a second. Ending the pain of millions and millions of fans. Putting a stop to the suffering of generation after generation. What could be a greater accomplishment? I can only think of a few:

- resurrecting George Harrison and John Lennon from the dead and reuniting the Beatles

- curing Cancer, AIDs, Parkinsons, MS, and all other major diseases with one single pill

- Installing an actual NFL offense for the Chicago Bears, complete with real players, bringing the offense into the 1990's!

- forming the single state of Israelistine, with Palestinians and Israelis living in harmony

- getting the states of Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi, Kentucky and Alabama to admit that indeed the South lost and the Civil War is over

- finding Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa...alive...together!

- getting cats and dogs to sit down together at the bargaining table

- finding Hell, and then renting skates for all those who wish to skate on it

- getting Tony LaRussa to remove his glasses, only to discover that he has "Cyclops/X-Men" type eyes....mutant freak!

- finding and capturing Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster, the New Jersey Devil, the Mothman and whatever that weird dog-like thing is that they spot in Texas sometimes

- getting people to consistently attend Chicago White Sox games


Think about it Theo, perhaps no man ever has had such an historic opportunity. If you won here you would have your own wing in Cooperstown. In fact, Cooperstown may be renamed Epsteinville.

The ball is in your court Theo; Do you want to be a God?

#2 Brett

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Posted 02 October 2011 - 01:19 PM

Funny stuff, as usual, pb.

And it's called the chupacabra.

#3 MichiganGoat

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Posted 02 October 2011 - 02:21 PM

That extremely fun to read, especially all the other apocalyptic possibilites, but the English teacher in me must point out the following:

Love that you made the plural of Gonzalez Gonzalai but since Gonzalez is not a latin word the correct plural is Gonzalezes (or so says all my style books). But I like the sound of Gonzalai.

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#4 TWC

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Posted 02 October 2011 - 09:59 PM

Well, crap. I read your screed, Philo, and I liked it tons. I thought I'd get all witty on my response, giving props to the Gonzalai -- which I love -- and giving some clarification to the chupacabra question, but it appears Mr. Ace and Goat have stolen my fire.

Drag.

Instead, I am reduced to pointing out that my wife is from Kentucky, and while she is relatively normal and all, I can assure you that her kinfolk and fellow reds will NEVER give up on their quest. Indeed, if many of them have their way (and if I can merge forum threads for a moment) as Marshall Tucker put it, the South gonna rise again!

#5 TWC

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Posted 02 October 2011 - 10:02 PM

(S)ince Gonzalez is not a latin word the correct plural is Gonzalezes (or so says all my style books).


Seriously, MG, what's your beef with MLS? It's clear on page 352 that the plural is indeed Gonzalai. Freakin' APA philistine.

#6 TWC

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Posted 02 October 2011 - 10:03 PM

And it's called the chupacabra.


Any time I read a chupacabra story it makes me miss the X-files tons.

#7 Laura

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Posted 03 October 2011 - 12:48 PM

Any time I read a chupacabra story it makes me miss the X-files tons.



Exactly! Especially the episode with Alex Trebek & the college student who wants to be abducted by aliens, so he doesn't have to get a job. Some things can never be replaced.

#8 TWC

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Posted 03 October 2011 - 01:28 PM


Any time I read a chupacabra story it makes me miss the X-files tons.



Exactly! Especially the episode with Alex Trebek & the college student who wants to be abducted by aliens, so he doesn't have to get a job. Some things can never be replaced.

José Cheung's Tales from Outer Space, right? Man, what a great and weird episode. Might be time to go back and re-watch a bunch of those. Wonder if they're on Netflix streaming...

#9 Laura

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Posted 03 October 2011 - 09:33 PM

José Cheung's Tales from Outer Space, right? Man, what a great and weird episode. Might be time to go back and re-watch a bunch of those. Wonder if they're on Netflix streaming...



I believe that is correct! And now that you mention weird + Netflix, it reminds me that I've always wanted to see Twin Peaks.

#10 Brett

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Posted 04 October 2011 - 06:52 AM


José Cheung's Tales from Outer Space, right? Man, what a great and weird episode. Might be time to go back and re-watch a bunch of those. Wonder if they're on Netflix streaming...



I believe that is correct! And now that you mention weird + Netflix, it reminds me that I've always wanted to see Twin Peaks.

I have always been obsessed with the "idea" of Twin Peaks, even though I could never get into the show. So then I watched the last 10 minutes on YouTube ... crazy stuff.

#11 Mike Foster

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Posted 04 October 2011 - 09:43 AM

PB, "Ya'll ain't from aroun' he'a". it's only the Civil War in the Boston printed history books. Here in NC it's "the War of Northern Agression". Great post, carry-on.

#12 Oswego Chris

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Posted 04 October 2011 - 02:30 PM

thanks mike..hope I didn't offend too bad, I didn't mention NC( I have also heard "war between the states")




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