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Regular season re-quip


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#1 Dave

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Posted 03 October 2011 - 06:57 AM

The playoffs started 3 days ago, so it seems like a perfect time to recap the regular season. I went team-by-team (alphabetically, for some reason) and summed up their regular season in a line or two. It was tougher than you'd think.


Arizona Diamondbacks (94-68, 1st NL West) Surprising, but also uninteresting because the “Worst-to-First” thing has been done before by far more fascinating, watchable teams.

Atlanta Braves (89-73, 2nd NL East) History tells us they wouldn’t have done anything in the playoffs anyways.

Baltimore Orioles (69-93, 5th AL East) It’s a shame such a beautiful ballpark in such a magnificent city is stuck with such a perpetually awful team.

Boston Red Sox (90-72, 3rd AL East) Chooooooooooooooooooooooooooked!

Chicago Cubs (71-91, 5th NL Central) The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Chicago White Sox (79-83, 3rd AL Central) The new Bermuda Triangle, its where free agents go to disappear.

Cincinnati Reds (79-83, 3rd NL Central) Apparently being no-hit by Halladay creates a season-long hangover.

Cleveland Indians (80-82, 2nd AL Central) They played well until the depression pandemic hit which occurred after all the players remembered they play in Cleveland.

Colorado Rockies (73-89, 4th NL West) Remember that one time they were good?

Detroit Tigers (95-67, 1st AL Central) I’m proud of all the Tigers fans who donned their Kevlar and braved the crossfire in order to see the Tigers play.

Florida Marlins (72-90, 5th NL East) You know what will salvage this team? A crazy manager and a shiny new stadium.

Houston Astros (56-96, 6th NL Cental) Saying something mean would just be piling on, so I’ll say that Houston has a lovely airport.

Kansas City Royals (71-91, 4th AL Central) It isn’t really a baseball town, so nobody noticed how bad they were.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (86-76, 2nd AL West) I’m sorry, but if you do stupid things you’re not going to win the division.

Los Angeles Dodgers (82-79, 3rd NL West) From them we’ve learned that having the best pitcher and best position player doesn’t actually mean anything.

Milwaukee Brewers (96-66, 1st NL) I doubt moxie alone will led them to the pennant, but I could be wrong.

Minnesota Twins (63-99, 5th AL Central) Pretty terrible everywhere, neat stadium though.

New York Mets (77-85, 4th NL East) Would’ve been a better team if they hadn’t played so poorly.

New York Yankees (97-65, 1st AL East) How a team wins 97 games with that many AARP members is beyond me.

Oakland A’s (74-88, 3rd AL West) Once in college I tried listing all 50 states but it took me a day to remember New Jersey. That factoid is more interesting than anything the A’s did this year.

Philadelphia Phillies (102-60, 1st NL East) Eventually they’ll get old and quit winning. I eagerly await that day.


Pittsburgh Pirates (72-90, 4th NL Central) I imagine the champagne celebration when this team finally wins number 82 is going to be legendary.

San Diego Padres (71-91, 5th NL West) I feel sorry for the poor guy who has to go out in the sandbox beyond the outfield and mold “PADRES” into the sand before every home game.

San Fransisco Giants (86-76, 2nd NL West) Those old guys who retrieve foul balls are adorable.

Seattle Mariners (67-95, 4th AL West) No team with a moose for a mascot deserves anything.

St. Louis Cardinals (90-72, 2nd NL Central) So very incredibly lucky.

Tampa Bay Rays (91-71, 2nd AL East) We should probably quit calling them underdogs at this point.

Texas Rangers (96-66, 1st AL West) Had a great season that nobody outside of Dallas really noticed or cared about.

Toronto Blue Jays (81-81, 4th AL East) These guys are the new Rays, but without as many good players or smart people in the front office.

Washington Nationals (80-81, 4th NL East) They came, they played baseball, they left.

#2 Dave

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Posted 03 October 2011 - 06:57 AM

This is what I originally had for the Pirates:

Pittsburgh Pirates (72-90, 4th NL Central) Their season was ultimately disappointing, like a date that went really well but ended with an unenthusiastic handjob.

#3 Glenallens One Homer

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Posted 03 October 2011 - 08:13 AM

Your new Pirates definition is the most true thing anyone's ever said. Really good job on this, you funny man. Also, I totally agree about the Houston airport. I was stuck there for 5 hours once and didn't mind one bit.

#4 MichiganGoat

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Posted 03 October 2011 - 08:42 AM

Ouch soooo harsh on Detroit, and Kevlar is no longer needed. We can't afford the bullets.

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#5 Brett

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Posted 03 October 2011 - 08:58 AM

Great stuff, as usual, Dave. Another candidate for promotion to the front page.

#6 T C

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Posted 03 October 2011 - 03:06 PM

This is the funniest thing I've read all day, good on you, sir

#7 Dave

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Posted 03 October 2011 - 05:29 PM

Ouch soooo harsh on Detroit, and Kevlar is no longer needed. We can't afford the bullets.

A few years ago I saw a quote from a mayoral candidate in Detroit regarding the murder rate declining. He said, "I dont mean to be glib, but there's no one left to kill."

I haven't been to Detroit since '04 and I didn't really feel unsafe, it felt more like I was in the world's largest disheveled Dollar General.




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