20 replies to this topic

[Oswego Chris]

When I was a kid, my little brother and I would have to wait at the top of the stairs on Christmas morning while my mom "checked" to see if Santa came, and to turn on the tree. It was just a few more minutes of waiting after weeks and weeks of Christmas anticipation. We Cub fans have been standing on top of those stairs for over two weeks now, waiting to come down and open our presents for Theo-Day, Epsteinaroma, or New Competent Baseball Guy Day(any name will suffice). I am hoping to get a Ryne Sandberg manager and 2 solid starters.

I hope I didn't alienate any of my usual readers by acknowledging a Christian holiday, you can fill in your own non Christian Theo holiday if you wish. This topic got me thinking; As Cub fans, we need some holidays to set us apart from all of the non-suffering fans of the world. These days can further bond us, and waste even more time on one of the most inept sports teams in the history of the universe.

JANUARY 27th- BOWABERG
When early Cub fans named this day, they miscalcualated who the best player in the Ivan Dejesus for Larry Bowa/Ryne Sandberg deal was going to be. Cub theologians have long debated changing the name, but have decided to keep it the same.
CUSTOMS- Taking candy from random babies, stealing from the blind.
DO'S/DON'TS- No talk of World Championships since, and no mention of Davey Martinez.

JANUARY 31st- THE BIRTH OF MR. CUB DAY
One of the holiest of Cub days, we honor the birth of Ernie Banks.
CUSTOMS- wearing your shortstop glove for most of the day, then switching to your 1B's glove for the last few hours.

DO'S&DON'TS- absolutely no mention of post season play, and the year 1969.

MAY 6TH KID K 20 DAY
A minor holiday honoring Kerry Woods 20 strikeout performance against the Astros in 1998.
CUSTOMS- Some Cub Fundamentalists(they're crazy!) bend their elbows backwards until they hear the snap, requiring Tommy John surgery.

JUNE 15TH- BROGLIOSIS
One of the most somber and reflective days of Cub worship, remembering the trade of Lou Brock for Ernie Broglio to the hated Cardinals. Some Cub Theoligans persisted in debating the trade of a poor fielding 4th outfielder for an 18 game winner for decades, to no avail.
CUSTOMS- Cub fans must recite each year that the Cardinals have won the World Series since this date on 1964.
DO'S& DON'TS- It is highly recommended not to look at Mr. Brock's career stats on this day.

JUNE 23RD- BABY RUTH RYNO DAY
On one of the few triumphant days over the Cardinals, Ryne Sandberg's 5-6 two homer day is celebrated.
CUSTOMS- Watching the replays on You Tube, killing a white rat.
DO'S&DON'TS As usual, no mention of Championships since, and the Davey Martinez thing again.

JULY 23RD- PIRATE FLEECING DAY
Minor holiday in honor of the trade that sent a big pile of garbage to the Pirates for Kenny Lofton and Aramis Ramirez, which lead to the closest we have been to the Cubocalypse. The name most Theologians give the eventual or possible (depending on who you believe) World Championship. Some prefer Cubgasm.

THE ANNUAL SEPTEMBER DEATH MARCH and CHOKETOBER

These two months are the most dreadful in all of Cub history. They offer numerous days of atonement, reflection and depression. In fact, due to the number of choices, Cub fans themselves choose which days they celebrate/remember. For example, my father drank all of September in honor of the 1969 Cub collapse.(actually he drank every month now that I think of it). Being of younger vintage, I celebrate Septmber 24th(the day my '84 Cubs clinched) and contemplate suicide(not really) every October 7th('84 loss) and October 14th( game 6 loss to Marlins).

These are just a few of the holidays on the Cub calender. Let's hope Theo gives us a new one soon.

[Fishin Phil]

Which one includes the Airing of Greivances and Feats of Strength?

[MichiganGoat]

Which one includes the Airing of Greivances and Feats of Strength?

Cubstivus

[MichiganGoat]

Which one includes the Airing of Greivances and Feats of Strength?

Cubstivus

Cubstivus is celebrated on October 6th, the day my forefather Billy Goat was denied access.

[Todd]

Funny stuff, Chris. I laughed especially hard when reading the customs of "MAY 6TH KID K 20 DAY"

[Brett]

Another win.

Brogliosis sounds like a spinal misalignment.

[Katie]

Loved it!!

[T C]

I would like to suggest....

Juicin' June
In which the truly devout Cub fans memorialize Sammy Sosa's glorious 20 HR June of 1998. Sosa's record breaking month came on the back of some serious performance-enhancing drug use and helped lift an otherwise inept team into Wild Card contention.It also helped launch Slammin' Sammy into the national spotlight with Mark McGwire, who together made a mockery of our most cherished baseball record. But it was fun.
Customs: All participants shall undergo a high-intensity PED regimen for the entire month. Lifting will be required on a daily basis, as will the Sammy-chest-tap routine be required to be performed at least three times per day at work, optimally after finishing a spreadsheet or sending out some real important emails.
Do's&Don't's: Please do not hollow out the freeweights and replace their centers with cork.

[T C]

Dec. 3- The Feast of Santo
A day of celebration in remembrance of a great man.
Customs: All Cubs fans shall return to their baseball roots/families and remind themselves of why we love this game and this team. All Cubs fans shall wear a burnt hairpiece for the duration. All Cubs fans shall spend the day in as much joy as they can, forgetting their troubles and inequities dealt to them, in honor of a man who truly loved life. All Cubs fans shall post 79 career WAR at work and not be properly appreciated by their bosses (where applicable)
Do's&Don't's: DO watch This Old Cub, DO listen to as much Santo/Hughes dialogue on youtube as is available, DO donate to JDRF. DO NOT mention Brant Brown

[Oswego Chris]

Nice additions TC, loved Juicin June...

[MichiganGoat]

Okay I need to revise the information for Cubstivus

CUBSTIVUS: A rotating holiday that starts the first day of the WS (for the rest of us)
Customs: Airing of Grievances, Feats of Strength, Cubstivus Miracles, Cubstivus Pole

• Airing of Grievances: All Cub fans are ordered to air out all the bad luck that has fallen on the Chicago Cubs. A Cub fans are order to open their "Box of Faith" and watch the video that contains all Cub's grievances. Billy Goat, Black Cat, Leon Durham, Bartman, Alex Gonzalez, among others. Then all Cub fans are to step outside their house at exactly 9pm ET and scream at the top of their lungs, FUCK! Followed by excessive drinking and/or crying.
• Feats of Strength: After the cathartic nature of Airing of Grievances combined with plenty of holiday cheer (a strong stout mixed with whiskey is the traditional beverage of choice) the Feats of Strength begin. Here it is ordered that all Cub fans still standing and not in the fetal position put on their ass kicking Cub's gear and go out into the night search for the only thing that can quell our violence and pain- A Fucking Cardinal fan's blood. All true Cub fans are to challenge as many Cardinal fans to battle until they can no longer stand. The true goal being to find Matt Holliday and beat him with rusty cleats. It is not the proudest moment of Cub's nation, but Cubstivus is a holiday that is needed.
• Cubstivus Miracle: All this is done for the hope of the Cubstivus Miracle. The day in which all Cub fans can keep their box of faith closed during mid/late October and taste what October baseball is like.
• Cubstivus Pole: All homes should be adorned with a undecorated pole to pay homage to the empty flag pole at Wrigley Field where there is no "W" flag being flown.

Do's and Don'ts: Don't fight it, this is a Cub fan's destiny. Cubstivus was invented to remind us of why we are Cub fans. Do enjoy beating as many Cardinal fans as you can find. Do take this seriously. Do not buy any commercial Cubstivus gear. If you don't understand the origins of Cubstivus, I'm sorry and weep for your ignorance.

[Fishin Phil]

I was terrified that the Cubstivus Pole would somehow involve Dick Pole.

[MichiganGoat]

I was terrified that the Cubstivus Pole would somehow involve Dick Pole.

it did cross my mind as well as some other uses of the pole to truly express the pain it takes to be a Cub fan

[Katie]

I was terrified that the Cubstivus Pole would somehow involve Dick Pole.

it did cross my mind as well as some other uses of the pole to truly express the pain it takes to be a Cub fan

Except dancing on one, just to get through college, of course.

[MichiganGoat]

I was terrified that the Cubstivus Pole would somehow involve Dick Pole.

it did cross my mind as well as some other uses of the pole to truly express the pain it takes to be a Cub fan

Except dancing on one, just to get through college, of course.

Katie glad your part of BN, or any other pole dancers you might know.