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#1 Oswego Chris

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Posted 16 November 2011 - 05:28 PM

Last week we brought you our early AL power rankings, so this week we tackle the Senior Circuit. The NL proved to be a bit tougher to forecast, and will probably produce hours and hours of debate.(probably a bit of an exaggeration),

16. HOUSTON ASTROS- A fan contest gave this team it's first name, the Colt .45's(imagine that...Texas....guns?) but when they moved into the Astrodome the team was renamed the Astros to represent the city's involvement with the space program. Since they no longer play in the Astrodome, the name literally has no meaning, and because it's Texas, they rank dead last in the NL.

15. CINCINNATI REDS- If you read our AL rankings, then you know we do not think highly of the combative ability of clothing, specifically footwear. Since they were originally called the Red Stockings that makes them a pretty weak opponent. Being a stocking, thus longer in length, it does give the team more of a chance at choking ability than the similarly named White Sox and Red Sox.

14. ST. LOUIS CARDINALS- Very few birds instill fear, and this most certainly is not one of them. This whimpy creature is not particularly big, or aggressive, and probably only causes terror in the minds of insects and worms. However, like with our AL rankings, it could make a nest out of the Red Stockings.

13. MIAMI MARLINS- They came very, very close to being named the Flamingos.( which may have been fitting with their new....ah....festive uniforms). A Marlin is actually a large fish, with a spear-like snout that can swim up to 68 MPH! Unfortunately this does it very little good on land. If it's an aquatic battle, feel free to move them on up. If not, then they are just dinner at an expensive sea joint.

12. PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES- Originally known as the Quakers(known for 10 frame bowling, as opposed to the 15 the Amish play), then the Philadelphias, before finally being shortened to the Phillies. So late 1800 guy from Philadelphia, originally called Quakers? Quakers are known as pacifists, for their Oatmeal...not for toughness.

11. SAN DIEGO PADRES- "Father. Name for a Priest". Not really scary(insert your own Catholic alter boy joke) unless you believe what you saw in The Exorcist.

10. WASHINGTON NATIONALS- Belonging to a whole Nation. Thus I guess we are all Nationals(boring). No mention of weapons, but still probably tougher than a Quaker and your average Priest.

9. LOS ANGELES DODGERS- Actual team names before settling on Dodgers: Trolley Dodgers, Superbas, Bridegrooms, Grooms, and Robins. The fact that they originated in Brooklyn however, ups their "toughness" factor.

8. NEW YORK METS- Metropolitan defined: "A person who lives in a large city, and knows it well." The last part of the definition places them above the previous two human entries. In war, someone with superior knowledge of the battlefield has to be ranked above someone who Dodges trolleys.

7. MILWAUKEE BREWERS- Bud Selig actually renamed these players formerly known as the Seattle Pilots after he hijacked them(bad pun intended, and some truth to the verb usage) from the state of Washington. German heritage associated with beer-making makes them highest ranking non-weapon bearing human team. Think of one of those helmets with the point on top.

6. CHICAGO CUBS- They may be young bears, but they are still bears. I highly doubt any of the aforementioned human mascots would mess with a bear of any size, particularly if they saw the film "Grizzly Man" where bears rip apart that whack job who thought bears were his friends.

5. PITTSBURGH PIRATES- In recent times Johnny Depp has given them, shall we say, a "swishy" image, but they most certainly have weapons. If they have a sword or gun, then they can defeat the other humans and young bear...not matter what kind of "pirate" they are.

4. ATLANTA BRAVES- "Native American Warrior"...Tomahawks, arrows, no fear...these bad 'muthas' could even rank higher on any given day.

3. ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS- Another team named through a fan voting contest, these bad-ass rattlers are known for injecting large amounts of venon into their prey. Couple that with the fact that snakes are definitely one of the most evil animals(probably second only to sharks) and you understand why they rank higher than humans with weapons. Would you take on a rattlesnake with a knife? Neither would I.

2. SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS- Possibly could be number one if we knew just how big of a Giant we are talking here...Andre the Giant big or "Jack and the Beanstalk" big? They also lose a bit of cred with the story of how they became the Giants. Originally called the Gothams, after a big win over the Phillies, team owner Jim Mutrie came into the clubhouse shouting "My big fellows! My Giants!", and the name stuck. Hmmmmm.

1. COLORADO ROCKIES- I remember my family driving through the Rockies when I was a kid...on one of those roads where if you just go off the road a little you are goinig to plunge thousands of feet to your death...it scared the sh&% out of me. There wasn't even a F$%^ing guard rail! You have to respect nature here, placing any of these other foes in the Rockies alone would most certainly result in eventual death. Unless I get some clarification on the size of that Giant, I say the harsh, cold, brutal effects of nature dominate the rest of the field.

#2 Fishin Phil

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Posted 17 November 2011 - 06:52 AM

Nice, but I'd move the Diamondbacks down a little. I once saw my dad smash one with a rock. If my dad can take one, they ain't that tough.
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#3 Brett



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Posted 17 November 2011 - 07:44 AM

Beautiful. I'm still planning on putting these on the front page - just waiting for the optimal time.

#4 Oswego Chris

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Posted 17 November 2011 - 09:51 AM

thanks Brett...

yeah Phil, could be, but I know plenty of people that are deathly afraid of garter snakes....let alone a poisonous rattler...

#5 Fishin Phil

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Posted 17 November 2011 - 10:15 AM

When you are made of wood, snakes don't scare you at all. On the other hand, termites terrify me!
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#6 TWC



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Posted 17 November 2011 - 12:33 PM

When you are made of wood, snakes don't scare you at all. On the other hand, termites terrify me!

Man, try as I might, I just don't get you.

Termites, though. Ugh. I fucking hate termites. Few things do I get more pleasure out of killing than termites.

#7 Randy


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Posted 28 December 2011 - 10:58 AM

This is pure awesome. First thing I do after clocking in at work is read the AL version. I'm a hard worker.

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