10. All cheering and applause must be replaced by quiet Golf-clapping.
9. Booing and hissing replaced by quaint collective gasps.
8. As alternative to Jumbotron, fans encouraged to wear Sony Watch-mans to view exciting replays.
7. Ronnie Woo-Woo no longer allowed to "woo", will now be referred to as Ronnie Hush-Hush.
6. Wood bats and baseballs to be replaced by Nerf products, to eliminate noise polluting "cracking" of bat.
5. Cubs allowed 1 yearly concert, rotating performers include Kenny G, Michael Bolton and Neil Diamond.
4. 40 percent of all ticket sales to go to Tunney's favorite charity "TAIPAI"-The Assisting of Illinois Politicians After Incarceration.
3. 7th inning stretch conductors encouraged to replace "Alright let me hear you" with "Alright, let's try to keep the noise at a respectable level because there are people who are trying to sleep who apparently didn't realize what happens when you move so close to one of the most popular Major League Ballparks in history...a one, shhhh, a two, shhhh."
2. "Go Cubs Go" to be replaced with "Silent Night"
1. Rooftop owners to convert buildings into Transformers, allowing them better vantage points around the field.