The Baseline for Suckitude (how they were last year)
Did anyone get a chance to watch this team last year? No? That's what I thought. And thats because they were too terrible to ever merit ESPN or FOX games of the week, and their highlights barely found their way onto SportsCenter. Just based off that circumstantial evidence, Im going to go ahead and declare their 2011 as really sucky. Oh, and like, they had an 79-83 record, and tons of players massively underperformed/flat out blew. Drew Stubbs took a step back, as did their starting pitching. They even gave some shitty Lil Wayne impersonator 108 IP last year. It doesn't get worse than that. Sucky Offseason Moves (who they gained and who they lost)
Who trades away 4 top prospects for Mat Latos? These assholes do. They must have thought his whiny, childish nature would fit Dusty well. They also thought it would be a great idea to take a guy with a 42% FB% and a way-too-low-to-not-be-luck HR/FB% out of San Diego and plop him in the middle of stadium where Tony Campana could slug 25 dingers. Regression to the mean is gonna pimp-slap the ever-loving fuck out of him this year, all while Yonder Alonso and Yasmani Grandal establish themselves as legitimate major leaguers.
And because one dumbass trade wasn't enough, they went and sent off three useful players for a set-up man in Sean Marshall. And then they gave him $16M. A freakin' set-up guy. Y'know who else does shit like that? Jim Hendry. I rest my case.
They also signed Jeff Francis and Willie Harris and Ryan Ludwick, who should struggle mightily to combine for about -1.3WAR. Normally this wouldn't be a huge issue, but they're all going to see significant playing time, because of... The Suckiest Part of Their Suck (the worst part of the team)
I really hate to beat the same horse everyone else does, but when that horse is as self-involved and clueless as Dusty Baker, there's no avoiding it. The Reds are a team who are going to be hamstrung by an old-school, rock-fuck dumb baseball dinosaur of a manager who consistently starts washed up veterans over promising young talent. Their stud Catcher prospect, Devin Mesoraco, will probably see half or less of the starts in favor of Ryan Hangian. Their solid SS prospect Zack Cozart will lose a pretty frightening amount of games to the utterly worthless Paul Janish. Chris Heisy, who should be decent, will probably be benched in favor of Ryan Ludwick in LF. Ryan Ludwick, he of a .297 wOBA last season. The Reds deserve to lose every game they lose this year, just cause of Dusty.
But thats not even the worst of it, cause for whatever playing time he slights positional players, he pays back by throwing the young'ns about 50 innings more than is healthy every year. Edinson Volquez has already fallen to Dusty, Johnny Cueto has to be fearing for his life, Mike Leake and Homer Bailey must be terrified of the pitch counts they're gonna charge to their elbows this year, and Mat Latos is probably stoked for the 300 innings he's gonna throw this season, because he's a douchebag and thats just how he rolls. Aroldis Chapman is lucky he hasn't been thrown in the rotation yet, cause Dusty woulda used him up and thrown him away like a cheap hooker by last June. This team is just brimming with young arms for someone to feed to the gods of Wins and Innings Pitched, and boy will Dusty be happy to oblige. And in the End (overall, why they suck)
In the end, its freakin' Cincinnati. 98 Degrees, Woody Harrelson, and the Snuffleupagus' Grandma are from Cincinnati, and thats about it. 98 Degrees is the best known act to come out of Cincinnati. Let that sink in. Fuckin 98 Degrees
, a collection of some of the most egregiously lame, no-talent assclowns to ever make music is from Cincinnati.
Holy shit did boy bands suc
right, baseball. The best part of this team is their bullpen, which is kinda like saying the best part of your body is your ears. Its like, cool, good for you, but that means you're probably still 7-10 beers away from the opposite sex finding you attractive. And its the same with the Reds, who are like 4-5 questions away from being real contenders. Ryan Madson, Sean Marshall, and Aroldis Chapman are nice, but their rotation is full of volatile young pitchers, Jay Bruce probably isn't last years Jay Bruce, Scott Rolen is getting old, Drew Stubbs might continue to get worse, and they have glaring unknowns at catcher and shortstop.
All the analysts who say the Reds are favorites are way off base. The Reds are gonna suck this year, and when Votto finishes his indentured servitude in that hell hole the Reds are gonna be up shit creek with nothing but Sean Marshall and Jay Bruce. Get used to the Suck, Cincy, cause its about to set in prettty deep.