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Why the 2012 Cincinnati Reds Will Suck


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#1 Brett

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 08:39 AM

For those of you who've been around a while, you may recall that, in years past, I've done a series of posts on why the other teams in the NL Central will suck (for example, here's the Cardinals from last year). The point was, in a tongue-in-cheek way, to focus on only the crappiness of the team, to the exclusion of any virtues.

As the Cubs got worse and worse, and teams in the Central got better and better (the Cardinals and Brewers, sigh, were pretty damn good last year), it became harder and harder to do the job. And, to be quite candid, you start kind of running through the same jokes again and again.

This year, in the interest of (a.) not abandoning the feature, and (b.) having some fun, I thought (with a prod from MG (and from TWC, unbeknownst to him)) that we could all do it together.

So, let's pile on the suck here, which I can turn into a post (or posts) on the front page. We should all have a say in why the other teams in the NL Central suck.

Up first, Dusty Baker and the Cincinnati Reds. Worthwhile points of suckitude to discuss include:
  • The Baseline for Suckitude (how they were last year)
  • Sucky Offseason Moves (who they gained and who they lost)
  • Everyone Else Thinks They Suck (articles/conversations out there about how they'll suck)
  • The Suckiest Part of Their Suck (the worst part of the team)
  • And in the End (overall, why they suck)
Have at it. I think this approach could be a lot of fun.

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#2 Spencer

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 09:54 AM

I think the bottom line is:

Their manager is named Dusty Baker

#3 Brett

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 09:57 AM

At some point, Scott Rolen's age and injuries are going to combine into a horrible year - but one in which he doesn't miss a lot of time. In other words, at some point he's going to hurt them by playing.

Maybe it's this year.

#4 TWC

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 11:49 AM

Two words:

Bronson. Arroyo.



#5 Brett

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 11:54 AM

WOW. That is awesome for so, so many reasons.

Did he say shit?

#6 King Jeff

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 12:15 PM

Because they gave up the farm for Mat Latos, who isn't going to be much better than Edinson Volquez by himself, let alone what Yonder Alonso does. Also Latos went to high school right across the street from my house and he gave up a homerun ball a few years ago that hit my car. It is my belief that karma will get him back for his misdeed.

#7 TWC

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 12:16 PM

I can spend all day posting dumb-ass Bronson Arroyo videos. That dude makes Theriot look like Clark Gable.

(I don't really know what I mean by that analogy, but it works in my mind)

#8 T C

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 01:22 PM

The Baseline for Suckitude (how they were last year)

Did anyone get a chance to watch this team last year? No? That's what I thought. And thats because they were too terrible to ever merit ESPN or FOX games of the week, and their highlights barely found their way onto SportsCenter. Just based off that circumstantial evidence, Im going to go ahead and declare their 2011 as really sucky. Oh, and like, they had an 79-83 record, and tons of players massively underperformed/flat out blew. Drew Stubbs took a step back, as did their starting pitching. They even gave some shitty Lil Wayne impersonator 108 IP last year. It doesn't get worse than that.

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Sucky Offseason Moves (who they gained and who they lost)

Who trades away 4 top prospects for Mat Latos? These assholes do. They must have thought his whiny, childish nature would fit Dusty well. They also thought it would be a great idea to take a guy with a 42% FB% and a way-too-low-to-not-be-luck HR/FB% out of San Diego and plop him in the middle of stadium where Tony Campana could slug 25 dingers. Regression to the mean is gonna pimp-slap the ever-loving fuck out of him this year, all while Yonder Alonso and Yasmani Grandal establish themselves as legitimate major leaguers.

And because one dumbass trade wasn't enough, they went and sent off three useful players for a set-up man in Sean Marshall. And then they gave him $16M. A freakin' set-up guy. Y'know who else does shit like that? Jim Hendry. I rest my case.

They also signed Jeff Francis and Willie Harris and Ryan Ludwick, who should struggle mightily to combine for about -1.3WAR. Normally this wouldn't be a huge issue, but they're all going to see significant playing time, because of...

The Suckiest Part of Their Suck (the worst part of the team)
Posted Image


I really hate to beat the same horse everyone else does, but when that horse is as self-involved and clueless as Dusty Baker, there's no avoiding it. The Reds are a team who are going to be hamstrung by an old-school, rock-fuck dumb baseball dinosaur of a manager who consistently starts washed up veterans over promising young talent. Their stud Catcher prospect, Devin Mesoraco, will probably see half or less of the starts in favor of Ryan Hangian. Their solid SS prospect Zack Cozart will lose a pretty frightening amount of games to the utterly worthless Paul Janish. Chris Heisy, who should be decent, will probably be benched in favor of Ryan Ludwick in LF. Ryan Ludwick, he of a .297 wOBA last season. The Reds deserve to lose every game they lose this year, just cause of Dusty.

But thats not even the worst of it, cause for whatever playing time he slights positional players, he pays back by throwing the young'ns about 50 innings more than is healthy every year. Edinson Volquez has already fallen to Dusty, Johnny Cueto has to be fearing for his life, Mike Leake and Homer Bailey must be terrified of the pitch counts they're gonna charge to their elbows this year, and Mat Latos is probably stoked for the 300 innings he's gonna throw this season, because he's a douchebag and thats just how he rolls. Aroldis Chapman is lucky he hasn't been thrown in the rotation yet, cause Dusty woulda used him up and thrown him away like a cheap hooker by last June. This team is just brimming with young arms for someone to feed to the gods of Wins and Innings Pitched, and boy will Dusty be happy to oblige.

And in the End (overall, why they suck)
In the end, its freakin' Cincinnati. 98 Degrees, Woody Harrelson, and the Snuffleupagus' Grandma are from Cincinnati, and thats about it. 98 Degrees is the best known act to come out of Cincinnati. Let that sink in. Fuckin 98 Degrees, a collection of some of the most egregiously lame, no-talent assclowns to ever make music is from Cincinnati. Holy shit did boy bands suc right, baseball. The best part of this team is their bullpen, which is kinda like saying the best part of your body is your ears. Its like, cool, good for you, but that means you're probably still 7-10 beers away from the opposite sex finding you attractive. And its the same with the Reds, who are like 4-5 questions away from being real contenders. Ryan Madson, Sean Marshall, and Aroldis Chapman are nice, but their rotation is full of volatile young pitchers, Jay Bruce probably isn't last years Jay Bruce, Scott Rolen is getting old, Drew Stubbs might continue to get worse, and they have glaring unknowns at catcher and shortstop.

All the analysts who say the Reds are favorites are way off base. The Reds are gonna suck this year, and when Votto finishes his indentured servitude in that hell hole the Reds are gonna be up shit creek with nothing but Sean Marshall and Jay Bruce. Get used to the Suck, Cincy, cause its about to set in prettty deep.

#9 Brett

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 05:16 PM

Dude. TC. That is freaking awesome. There is so very much awesomeness in there that I can't even grab little slices to compliment. You really have me believing that the Reds will suck.

#10 Katie

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 06:39 PM

Their mamas dress them funny. And uh...what TC said.
Peg: Oh Al! Did you miss me?
Al: With every bullet, so far.

#11 T C

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 07:24 PM

Dude. TC. That is freaking awesome. There is so very much awesomeness in there that I can't even grab little slices to compliment. You really have me believing that the Reds will suck.


Thanks! For what its worth, I don't actually think Latos will be bad, but I was pretty serious about the rest of that. I still think they win the division, but they could just as easily finish 5th (well, that would take some surprises from the Cubs, but yea)

#12 MichiganGoat

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 07:25 PM

We are missing the most important piece:

Reds --> Communist - enough said

We must stop the red threat!

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#13 Luke

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 07:49 PM

I gotta say, TC nails this one. I'd suggest we send hima Backstreet Boy's Greatest Hits CD, but I'm afraid he might find out where I live.

#14 gblan014

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Posted 15 March 2012 - 06:19 AM

Two words:

Bronson. Arroyo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I-2YW0IzUU


That's definitely beside the point of this exercise, but did anyone else notice that they're advertising a brand new Ford F-150 for under $12000???

#15 Jonathan

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Posted 15 March 2012 - 09:40 AM

Why will the Reds suck? Dusty Baker. His dugout phone has been programmed with autodial 2 to be the bullpen and autodial 1 to be Dr. James Andrews.




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