Other possible headline pre-colon teases included, “In Things That Are Insane,” “In Things That You Thought Only Happened in the 1940s,” and “In Things That Usually Only Happen on ‘The Simpsons'”.
As Joe Frisaro reports, the Miami Marlins have actually, seriously banned facial hair.
They give some BS reasons for the move that I’m not even going to justify with an explanation. Because it’s so hopelessly stupid that it deserves all the ridicule it’s going to get. To be sure, the Yankees famously have a longstanding no facial hair rule of their own, and that probably doesn’t get enough scorn. These are adults who maybe want to let the follicles on their faces do the thing that they are naturally doing. Who gives a goatee?
The Marlins brought in Barry Bonds to be their hitting coach, have routinely cut payroll to the bone, and built a whacky stadium that features this monstrosity in the outfield. But, yes. Facial hair. Can’t have it.
And speaking of that ‘Simpsons’ joke up there, given that Don Mattingly is the Marlins’ new manager, perhaps the no facial hair – no sideburns! – policy is understandable: