Laughing Because it isn't the Cubs: Or, Why You Always Wear a Cup

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Laughing Because it isn’t the Cubs: Or, Why You Always Wear a Cup

Chicago Cubs

Laughing is probably the wrong word, gents. But that’s one of our “memes” here at BN, so we’re sticking with it.

Warning – this story is not for the faint of heart, or for Michael Barrett.

As a member of the infield, particularly at the hot corner, there are a few things you can expect – rocket line drives, hard grounders, low plays at third base. And for all of these things – a rocket line drive, a hard grounder, or a player sliding helmet first into third – I know that I would want something more between my balls and certain doom than a thin piece of pants cloth, and whatever skibbies I decided to wear that day.

That’s what makes me very different from Adrian Beltre.

Beltre plays third base for the Seattle Mariners, and is therefore subjected, on a regular basis, to the dangerous elements of that position. But he, unlike me – or any other thinking man in the history of the sport – has decided that his pants and underwear are plenty of protection for his manhood.

That’s right. He doesn’t wear a cup.

And earlier this weak, he paid the ultimate price: he took a hard ground ball to the groin, and one of his testicles exploded.

You may recall that former Chicago Cubs catcher Michael Barrett suffered a similar fate when an errant pitch caught him betwixed his legs. But Barrett was wearing a cup. So I guess there’s no perfect solution. Well, I guess there’s sitting on your coach all day and writing snarky articles about testicles and the wrath of God. But then you lose your manhood in a completely different way.

Beltre is expected to take his time recovering on the disabled list. To his credit, after the ground ball smacked his man ball, he actually stayed in the game for another five innings. It wasn’t until he was trying to dive to get out Scott Podsednik that he felt the sting of withered manhood just a little too pressing to avoid medical attention.

So the final lesson, gentleman: simply because your boys are dangling in a protective sack does not mean that they are protected. Take care. Take Precautions. Wear a cup.

Author: Brett Taylor

Brett Taylor is the Editor and Lead Cubs Writer at Bleacher Nation, and you can find him on Twitter at @BleacherNation and @Brett_A_Taylor.