The Girlfriend Scouting Report, Courtesy of Myles’ Girlfriend

Financial ReportingEvery now and again I’m lucky enough to be able to watch a Cubs game with my loving girlfriend. And it’s hilarious.

First, a bit about her. She’s by no means a “girly girl,” and is actually pretty athletic. I play softball with her and she’s better than a lot of the guys. But she’s not cocky. She should be, but she’s not.

She enjoys watching meaningful sporting events and gets really into Bears games. But when she sits down to watch what is truthfully a meaningless baseball game, the things that come out of her adorable mouth are just the best.

It is because of this that I decided to create, “The Girlfriend Scouting” report.  I asked her what she thought of each player as they came to bat and when they were in the field. She didn’t disappoint in her responses.

July 2, 2013

Cubs @ Athletics

Lineup:

  1. Valbuena

  2. Castro

  3. Schierholtz

  4. Soriano

  5. Rizzo

  6. Navarro

  7. Bogusevic

  8. Barney

  9. Castillo

(We came into the game in the 2nd inning.)

Dioner Navarro: “He’s gotta play catcher. He doesn’t look fast enough to play anywhere else.  He also gets lucky with his hits.”

Her first point is fair. Dioner is not a guy that looks like he’s going to trot out to shortstop or center field.  But the luckiness of his hits was something that I was going to try and dispute … until I realized it would be of no use.

“Where is everybody [at the A’s game]?”

She doesn’t know anything but Wrigley. Also, she saw Moneyball. So seeing nobody there was weird for her.

Brian Bogusevic: “He steps in too far over the plate. Ohhh and he’s got nice blue shoes.”

Give this girl a coaching job.

During at bats I told her Scott Feldman had been traded. Without looking at me she said, “I don’t care.  Mostly I just care about Rizzo even though he cut his hair. Also Castro.”  Fair enough I suppose.

Chris Rusin [After giving up another home run]: “He’s scrawny. Also maybe he’s just not that good.  Maybe he’d be better on a different team.  Oh his pick off move is goofy – it’s too slow and obvious.  He ain’t gunna pick off Coco Crisp.”

This is funny because she literally didn’t know Coco Crisp existed 5 minutes before this. And let me tell you, she had a ton of questions on his name. She just couldn’t believe that people seriously called him Coco Crisp. Hell, I can’t really believe it after all these years. She did, however, listen attentively to Len and JD talk about Crisp’s speed and intelligence on the base paths.  So asking why Rusin was even trying is valid I guess.

Darwin Barney: “Darwin Barney shouldn’t be his name. He’s also got really bad facial hair.”

What do you say to something like that? I just smile and nod.

Wellington Castillo: I asked her what she thought of him. She didn’t say anything right away. And after he struck out on a nasty curve, she just goes, “Gaaah.”

Luis Valbeuana: “He looks good!”  [But after striking out] “Nevermind.”

[After watching one of the A’s taking an at-bat]

“These guys do too much in the batter’s box. Quit effing around with all your stuff and just focus on swinging.”

Preach, girl. Preach.

Alfonso Soriano [fielding]: “USE TWO HANDS!!”

Look, my girl’s all about the fundamentals.  So whenever she sees a guy use one hand or hop to catch a ball, she gets a little testy.

Starlin Castro: “I’d date him. Just kidding, he looks 12. But he could buy me dinner and groceries. He also has very nice shoes.”

This one made me shake my head. What does Castro have that I don’t? Bet I’d beat him in Scrabble

Nate Sheirholtz: “I’ve never heard of him.”

At least she’s honest.

Alfonso Soriano: [he had two on when he came to the plate] “I feel like something good is going to happen here.  He’s going to hit it out or something.”

And then he freaking hit a 3-run homer! I need to get her to Vegas or something.

Anthony Rizzo: “His hands are goofy, kinda like Rizzo. Wait… that is Rizzo. Whoops.”

She was kind of losing her focus at this point I think. Because she really does like Rizzo (she’s got a crush on him too).

She also just went off on Castro for wasted movement.  I’m telling you, fundamentals is where it’s at.

Alright, Ned Stark is having a really tough time in King’s Landing I think. I wonder if he regrets taking the job as Hand of the King. It’s putting me on edge. Wait a minute. Somehow Game of Thrones just got put on. Man, she’s sneaky.

Well, it was fun while it lasted. This has been The Girlfriend Scouting report.

written by

Myles Phelps is a contributor to Bleacher Nation. You can find him on Twitter @mphelps11.

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