Garza: A True Total Eclipse of the Heart

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Garza: A True Total Eclipse of the Heart

Chicago Cubs

[To ensure that Myles receives appropriate credit (and blame?), you are advised to note the name of the author just above.]

It’s over. It’s finally over. “Garza Watch” has ended. He’s not pitching  for the Cubs ever again (most likely). He’s gone, into the sunset. A Texas sunset even – how appropriate. For a brief moment, let’s all picture Garza wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots all while riding a horse trotting over the hills as the sunlight dims.

That was awesome.

But I’m still sad. I liked Garza. From what I can tell, a lot of you liked him just as much as I did. He was a competitor who hated losing. And when healthy, he could go “beast mode.” But he had to go. It just wasn’t the right time for either party to have him stay in Chicago.

I need closure. And I know how to get it.

To begin this exercise you’ll need a copy of Bonnie Tyler’s classic hit, “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” I’ve gone ahead and done the legwork for you. Just click here. (Don’t pay attention to the weirdest music video you’ve ever seen. You can if you want I guess. I’m in no position to tell you what to do. Just watch out for the alter boys who look like they’re going to kill you.)

Now,  let’s continue.

“Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never comin ’round…”

I turned around and you were in Chicago. Then I turned around again and you were on the DL. “C’mon, dude,” I’d say. “Quit doing that,” I’d say. But you couldn’t help it. You were just aging.

“Turn around, every now now and I get little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears…”

With every stint on the DL, I couldn’t help but think, “Why am I crying about a starting pitcher on the Cubs?” Then I’d wipe my eyes and think about how much better we could be with you on the mound. We could be the “not sucky” team.

“Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of the years have gone by…”

You’re 29, man. We can’t sign you to  a long term-extension.  We’re not ready to win, you are. It just won’t work here. Our time together has to come to an end. Also, we don’t want to pay you that much.

“Every now and then I get a little bit terrified, and then I see the look in your eyes…”

Seriously, sometimes you scared the sh** out of me.

“Every now and then I fall apart…”

I’m losing it! You’re killing me! You’ve posted a 3.17 ERA in 11 games after having a really awful start. You’ve bounced back. You look like that guy who won an MVP in the 2008 ALCS.  It’s been amazing to have you. I don’t want you to go!


Cubs nation needed you. Hell, I needed you, Matt!

“Together we can take it to the end of the line, your love is like a shadow on me all of the time.”

All of the time, dude …  wait, what?

“I don’t know what to do, I’m always in the dark. We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.”

Oh yeah. Sparks, baby. We had a lot of those. Your fiery personality combined with Wrigley’s lust for beer was awesome. But neither of us knew what to do during this time of your upturn in trade value. You just went on pitching and I went on thinking about why I couldn’t buy your jersey. Sure I wanted your jersey, but I wasn’t going to spend $100 on it. What are you, crazy? Get real, Matt.

“I really need you tonight, forever’s gunna start tonight…”

We’re seriously going to need you. But we can’t ever have our “forever.” (1) Humans probably won’t be around for “forever.” (2) Baseball contracts don’t last that long (unless your name is Alfonso Soriano! Right, guys???).

“Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart. There’s nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart…”

We had a great run. You loved it here and we loved having you here. But we need prospects and we need the future. You need to win now and our team has a .302 OBP (26th in the league). We can’t help it. You’ve gotta go.

I already miss you. And I know you already miss us. So long, you magnificent S.O.B. [sniffle].

“…nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart.”

Author: Myles Phelps

Myles Phelps is a contributor to Bleacher Nation. You can find him on Twitter @mphelps11.