The humorous and irreverent gents at Cespedes Family BBQ have been doing a series of shirsey rankings – you know, shirt jerseys – for each team in Major League Baseball. In a sign of wisdom beyond their age, they’ve been asking seasoned, funny, and handsome writers to help them come up with the scouting reports for the shirseys.
For the Cubs list, they asked if I’d help out, and I did. You can see the list here. I’ll caveat only that it’s one thing to be funny in passing, and it’s another thing to have someone say, “Ok, now, be funny!” Hopefully I succeeded, but the pressure, man.
Here’s a sample entry, which may or may not make sense without the context provided by the rest of the entries in the shirsey series:
Kerry Wood Tank Top
Current Status: Available for purchase
eBay Description: “A brand-new, unused, unopened, undamaged item “
The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 5+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Kerry Wood would carry wood.
Strengths: This tank is like a mullet in both directions – it’s a party in the front and the back. Additional strengths include: breathability, armpit exposability, possible see-through-ability.
Weaknesses: The tank is technically for women, which means you – the man who has clearly purchased it for yourself – may have to explain the fit. But, you know what? If a little of your midriff shows, the squares’ll just have to deal. You didn’t develop a gut that looks like a bowling ball is trying to escape from your belly button for nothing. You earned this moment.
Overall Future Potential: Borderline 6; hit the weights for a few years, and this tank will be the only thing standing between you and the many ladies of your dreams.
Realistic Role: 4; worn around the house when no clean shirts can be found, or if ah-what-the-hell-it’s-at-the-top-of-the-pile.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; the shoulder areas, while tastefully slim to maximize tan lines and shoulder hair expression, are rather thin. Tearing, and forcible toga-ing, are a serious concern.
The Year Ahead: There will be so much beer spilled on the front of this tank it’ll look like the cub bear in the logo isn’t house-trained. But that’s really the message you’re going for anyway: you can’t tame a wild beast.
Wardrobe ETA: As soon as someone needs directions to the gun show.
Check out the full list if you’re intrigued and/or want a better understanding of what the hell this is about.