Imagine you’re chilling at the bar. The night has gone down as smoothly as your cocktail, and the only thing that could screw it up is *WHAM!*
A portal opens up in the middle of the bar, and out pops Future You in an eye patch and wooden battle armor. Future You is blunt: “Hurry! We don’t have much time before the Splorkin Army begins their siege!”
Of course, you don’t understand what any of this means, but you do know Future You would only fracture the space-time continuum if the Splorkins meant serious harm. As you begin to sprint toward the portal after shattering your glass to create a makeshift weapon, Future You says one more thing: “Wait, you can call upon one NBA mascot! No more, no less! Who is joining our resistance!?”
The obvious answer is Benny the Bull. A Renaissance mascot with an ever-deadly bag of popcorn on hand, he would be the easy choice. But, for the sake of discussion, let’s pretend Benny is away on Holiday. Who is your next choice?
The Suns’ Gorilla isn’t a bad option. I have to imagine his sheer strength is an asset, and the same can be said about Rumble the Bison out of OKC. The San Antonio Spurs Coyote has always scared the crap out of me with his beady eyes, so perhaps he’d have the same effect on the Splorkins. Does Hugo the Hornet’s stinger work? What about Pierre the Pelican’s wings? Can he give me an ariel view of the battlefield?
To be honest, I think the case could be made for several familiar NBA faces. But, when push comes to shove, I’m calling Stuff the Magic Dragon into action, baby!
The Orlando Magic mascot did a magic trick and I’m legitimately stunned pic.twitter.com/aWPxiyXN8R
— Ruairi S (@Ruairi_S) March 21, 2022
We have no clue what this magical beast is truly capable of accomplishing. I will take that leap of faith and hope his mysterious powers can come through handy in the future war. DOWN WITH THE SPLORKINS!
• I’m beating a dead horse by even mentioning this: But, boy, do the Chicago Bulls need to improve their shooting depth. The more I watch the NBA playoffs unfold, the more painfully obvious it becomes. Even with the Boston Celtics dropping Game 2 of the NBA Finals 107-88, they still held their own behind the 3-point line. We watched them match Golden State’s 15(!) makes from downtown, as both teams shot an identical 15-37.
• Of course, the Warriors are known for the 3-point marksmanship, but the Celtics shot not much better than the league average during the regular season (sat 14th at 35.6 percent). In the playoffs, however, we’ve seen Boston shoot the second-most attempts per game (previously 9th) and hit at a 37.3 percent clip, which ranks 5th among playoffs teams. I think it just goes to show how important being able to flip that switch is in today’s league. The Celtics have now easily looked like one of the best 3-point shooting squads in the NBA, and it’s largely because of the versatile depth they have on the roster. Marcus Smart can hit an open 3. Al Horford can hit an open 3. Grant Williams can hit an open 3. Payton Pritchard can hit an open 3. I don’t know exactly how this Bulls’ offseason will pan out, but I do know they need a list like that to be truly competitive next season.
• The Warriors = Still Really Good.
The Warriors outscored the Celtics 35-14 in the 3rd quarter. The +21 is their best point-differential in any quarter in the Finals in franchise history.
Boston had more turnovers (5) than field goals made (4) in the 3rd quarter. pic.twitter.com/GGXOVBmtOc
— ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) June 6, 2022
• One of the best head coaches in the game decided to walk away yesterday, and it’s left the franchise’s star player “unsettled.”
ESPN Sources: In aftermath of Quin Snyder’s departure as Utah Jazz coach, All-Star guard Donovan Mitchell is described as “unsettled, unnerved and wondering what it means for the franchise’s future.”https://t.co/hR6H1tKGX0
— Adrian Wojnarowski (@wojespn) June 5, 2022
• My best guess is Donovan Mitchell isn’t going anywhere this summer. If anything, I bet the organization opts to move Rudy Gobert and continue to build around the younger talent. With that said, I have to imagine significant changes are coming across this roster. Whether it’s Mike Conley, Bojan Bogdanovic, Jordan Clarkson, Royce O’Neal, or Rudy Gay, this is a roster stuffed of veteran role players who will draw plenty of interest in the open market. Will AK show any of that interest?
• Michael Jordan is about to pick a new head coach:
Both Atkinson and D'Antoni have already met with management twice, and Hornets are expected to extend an offer to a candidate after the final round with Jordan.
— Adrian Wojnarowski (@wojespn) June 6, 2022
• To be honest, I would go with Kenny Atkinson. While Mike D’Antoni may have a more proven resume, the Hornets are an incredibly young team in need of an identity on both ends of the floor. Atkinson has been widely praised for his player development skills, as well as for initially establishing a winning culture behind the scenes for the Brooklyn Nets. With that said, considering the Hornets are East competitors, I hope they make the wrong choice.
• More of this. I’m Bulls deprived.
Enjoy these deleted clips from our All-Access series this season 😂 pic.twitter.com/6ZV4InGYfU
— Chicago Bulls (@chicagobulls) June 6, 2022
• My favorite moments from the video above go in this specific descending order: (3) Alex Caruso saying he’ll be an old fisherman, (2) Coby White talking about his dogs getting zoomies, (1) Javonte Green saying these wise words:
— Bleacher Nation Bulls (@BN_Bulls) June 6, 2022
• To be honest … probably not.
— SLAM (@SLAMonline) June 6, 2022
• As they should:
— Bleacher Nation Blackhawks (@BN_Blackhawks) June 5, 2022
• Someone want to buy the Bears now?
— Bleacher Nation Bears (@BN_Bears) June 6, 2022